Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my partner I'm contributing more to our holidays?

zagfles

cb4fwh said:

I earn more than my wife, and have done so since we met almost 20 years ago. For around 18 years we have had 1 joint bank account. Everything we both earn goes into the one account, and all of our outgoings come out of this account. I find it a little bizarre that you can be married, yet have separate bank accounts & both put money into joint accounts for household bills/mortgages etc. However, having spoken to my friends in similar positions, it appears that I am in the minority!

Agreed, although a good MSE'er will have loads of separate accounts not to separate finances but to get the best deals on stuff like regular savers, ISAs, pensions, current accounts, switching offers etc.

Husbandofstinky

I can't really see this as a dilemma. You are a team and that covers all aspects of a relationship. End of.
It will be a plain fact of life that one partner is going to have a greater disposable income than the other. As long as one partner is not abusing that trusting relationship spending it all on his or herself (i.e the pub etc) to the detriment to the other partner, I can't see it being a problem be it holidays or any other household cost. There's got to be a bit of leeway here and there to get on in life. I do hope that this is the only dilemma for you as you are going to have one very happy and long relationship. Enjoy. 

Privatekid

I always paid for the holidays and she always paid for spending.
It was fair and I never asked her how much spending money we went through, she never asked how much the holiday cost.
That way, we went where we wanted without the arguments of “can we afford it”

karemile

No, who cares!  She's not stupid she knows how much she's contributed, I'm assuming she had a life before you and would know how much a holiday cost before she met you, so already has a fair idea you're probably contributing more, or you're great at grabbing a bargain.  Either way she's getting to spend quality time away with you, a few times a year, it's not as though you're not allowing her to contribute at all, it's your time over money in this instance, I know which is more important to me!

Smodlet

Mickey666 said:

Glad to see the general theme of the answers to this thread.  I've always been amazed at couples who keep their finances separate.  Sure, it takes trust to pool everything but isn't that what a marriage/partnership is all about.  I also like the above comment about partners being a 'team' and that's exactly how my marriage has worked over three decades.  We are a team - us against the world!  We've always had joint bank accounts, joint credit card accounts (paid off each month by DDbt to avoid any interest charges!), joint mortgage.  We've also never had a 'housekeeping' budget or anything for which we are separately financially responsible.  We're basically a single entity when it comes to running our lives.

I know that may not work for everyone but it has certainly worked for us over the years.  If you can't trust your partner financially, what else can't you trust them about?

I agree with this impressive post almost completely but it does not always work if one partner is a saver and the other somewhere between a spender and clueless.  Please don't misunderstand me, folks; OH is brilliant at practically everything except saving money.  He has improved exponentially in the last few years... We have been together for only 27 so it has taken a while.

From the beginning, he always said our money was "ours".  He came to me with a whacking, great overdraft; I don't think I have been overdrawn above ten times in my life.  He could not remember a time when he did not have an overdraft.  I paid it off at least once, probably twice then I learned:  If I wanted to save money, I had to keep it separate.  He has been overdraft free for almost the entirety of our relationship because I do not do being overdrawn.  I can't remember exactly how this was achieved other than putting my foot down, it is so long ago.  I think I taught him that anything approaching unnecessary spending, let alone a "luxury" was out of reach until one's bank account was in the black.  You want a roast dinner?  How much does that cost compared to beans on toast?  Now pay that much off your overdraft.  Yeah, I can be a skinflint.

I don't think you can ever get inside a couple's head space nor should you, domestic/financial/other abuse notwithstanding.  What works for some does not work for others as has been demonstrated in far fewer words many times already.

I think this actually does have the whiff of a dilemma, unusually for this thread.  Others may disagree.

Lipps27

Personally, I think you should just discuss it all. It’s better to be honest because you don’t want something as stupid as money (relatively speaking of course) to come between you or spoil your relationship. 

 When me and my partner decided to buy a house last year, his parents gave us the deposit needed to secure a nice property. I offered to put it into our Morgage agreement to say if we break up (not married yet) I would pay the extra half of that deposit and he refused. Simply because we trust each other and his parents wanted to help us, whereas my parents weren’t in the same position. It’s a matter of agreement between both.

I can understand if your partner lets you make the decisions for holidays as quite often one person in the relationship takes care of the finances a bit more than the other. I’m the one in our relationship to arrange all bills etc. but I also make sure to let my partner know what is going on and discuss any changes I want to make before hand. And he is happy with that arrangement. 

I set up a joint account for all household bills after we got our house and we each contribute a set percentage of our wages e.g. he puts in 60% of what he earns and I put in 60% of what I earn. So whilst he earns more than me at the moment, we both contribute percentage-wise what we can each afford. It means in pounds his contribution is bigger but we discussed it and agreed it’s just ours - we do not put limitations on how much each of us can spend because we trust the other isn’t going to go daft and buy a car for example without discussing it first. I think sometimes it’s good middle ground if people are self conscious or insecure about what they earn. I changed careers a few years ago so I’m still building my career whereas he is a bit older and with seniority - it makes sense for him to have a bit more income and we are fine with that. It all goes towards our home in the end which is all that matters to us. 

Besides, he always says he would love if I earned more than him one day, because he could become a kept man! 😂

Whatever your decision, good luck and all the best to you both! 😃

wendyak

I don’t think you should say anything unless you feel guilty.
we’ve been married a mere 40 years and always had separate accounts and business interests.
Some things are best left unsaid and if it means you get more holidays and OH is less stressed over finances long may it continue- enjoy x

Smodlet

As wendyak says; to each, their own so long as it works for both of you.  The instant it causes a problem, if it ever does, address it promptly and honestly if you value your relationship.  I wish you both well.

Veevey

I’ve done this quite a few times before without telling my partner he’s paying less than equal share and I really don’t think it’s a big deal. It was my choice to do it and it’s not a terrible secret, it’s actually just helping him out. So I’m really not sure what the dilemma is here!

SadieO

Veevey said:

I’ve done this quite a few times before without telling my partner he’s paying less than equal share and I really don’t think it’s a big deal. It was my choice to do it and it’s not a terrible secret, it’s actually just helping him out. So I’m really not sure what the dilemma is here!

Genuinely curious Veevey, as to why you didn't tell him? Especially if you don't think it is a big deal, then why the secrecy?