Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my partner I'm contributing more to our holidays?

michellebell

I did the same with my boyfriend, especially in the early years when I earned considerably more than him.  He'd insist on paying 'his share' but I wanted more and better holidays without putting undue financial pressure on him.  So, I'd generally sort everything then just tell him what he owed, but I'd round down his share of the cost to a level I felt he could afford. 
We've talked about it openly since, he was a little upset at first but he accepts that we'd have missed some amazing trips otherwise.
These days we generally take turns to organise and pay for trips, but when it my turn, the holidays I organise tend to be the slightly longer or further away ones.  It works for us.
Discuss it when the time feels right, in the meantime, make the most of your holidays ! There are worse secrets you can keep !

h3eather

I see both sides in as much as you split bills and to be honest in a relationship.  However It is awkward when you want to do something nice.  Unfortunately we can alway earn the same amount of money.  I would do what you do, pay more so you can go more often.   Maybe you could readjust it bit .  Split the cost of the basic holiday and then you pay for extras like an upgrade etc.  

What I find is strange still in these days of equality.   if a Man earns more money and pays for his partner it is fine.  If Woman earns more money and pays for her partner - it is a matter of not hurting his pride.

audmg

I have been married for 40 years and am always willing to pay a bit extra towards holidays as I value them far more than my husband. He is usually perfectly happy to let me organise our trips away and the finances. He contributes more to other household expenses so it evens out in the end.

cb4fwh

I earn more than my wife, and have done so since we met almost 20 years ago. For around 18 years we have had 1 joint bank account. Everything we both earn goes into the one account, and all of our outgoings come out of this account. I find it a little bizarre that you can be married, yet have separate bank accounts & both put money into joint accounts for household bills/mortgages etc. However, having spoken to my friends in similar positions, it appears that I am in the minority!

pollypenny

We have 'our money', so one pot. At various times in our marriage the bigger earner has changed. 

NBLondon

Doing it without actually discussing it with the partner is possibly well-meaning but not healthy.   Either they are oblivious to how much things actually cost (as Takmon suggests) or maybe they know it's happening but accept it - expect it?  Maybe they realise and feel patronised but can't bring it up.

We've seen the debate before about higher earners contributing more and some couples do insist on 50:50 - and it can be either side being adamant about that.  It's for each couple to work out what is right for them - and maybe the answer is compromise - but that definitely requires discussion.

SandC

Me and my fella earn roughly the same, but we don't live together and he has a mortgage whereas I don't.  He also is not fussed about holidays.  We do, however go halves, but I'm inclined to buy extras such as airport lounges and extra legroom seats which I am happy to treat him to.  I would see the dilemma as a bit like what do you spend on each other for birthday and Christmas gifts.... is that 50/50?  Do you have your own 'rules' that you've discussed when it comes to spends?  We don't but then we've not been together for all that long and to be honest it seems to even itself out when considering nights out/gigs/meals/gifts etc. 

sjaeagle5

Not really a dilemma, in my opinion.
I earn more than my wife.  Take home pay split is 60:40.
We have a joint account that all our household bills come out of and I put more into that each month than she does and it works well for us.
If the situation changes then we adapt to it accordingly.

zagfles

h3eather said:

I see both sides in as much as you split bills and to be honest in a relationship.  However It is awkward when you want to do something nice.  Unfortunately we can alway earn the same amount of money.  I would do what you do, pay more so you can go more often.   Maybe you could readjust it bit .  Split the cost of the basic holiday and then you pay for extras like an upgrade etc.  

What I find is strange still in these days of equality.   if a Man earns more money and pays for his partner it is fine.  If Woman earns more money and pays for her partner - it is a matter of not hurting his pride.

Yes, it is strange, although in a lot of cases it might be the assumption that it would hurt his pride not based on him but on sexist stereotypes people get infected with. A few years ago we all got a big bonus at work, and a female colleague was thinking about buying her boyfriend an expensive bike he'd been drooling over for ages but couldn't afford. The only thing that put her off was the fear it'd dent his ego somehow. Several of us told her to stop worrying and buy it. Guess what. He was absolutely delighted, said it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for him. They got married last summer.

It's similar with men who insist on paying for dates, and doing stuff like opening doors, pulling chairs out etc, like [caveman voice] "look at me big provider, I look after you and provide your needs"  [\caveman voice], thinking they come across as a gentleman, rather than a controlling mysogynist who thinks women are incapable of the simplest things in life like opening a door, let alone providing a financial contribution to a date! 

julie777

I think the partner here probably has an inkling. Assuming they are not stupid.