Can anyone advise on being (or not being!) a guarantor?

dimbo61

Why not write a letter to the landlord or his/her letting agents explaining that your son has dropped out of University due to drink/drug and mental health issues.
You can ask the Lettings agents to look for a replacement but most can't be bothered as they have You as guarantor.
So check with the University if they have a housing officer or every housing office.
In Manchester they have " Manchester Student Homes" a university funded website and office which helps students find good quality, safe accommodation.
You can post an advert for the room on spareroom or University website.
Ask the other tenants to help you find a replacement that they are happy with and offer a cash reward to help find another student.
Ask the Landlord if he/she can help find a replacement and offer if necessary to subsidize the rent each month.
The Landlord does not want a Non student due to council tax issues, Your son may try to claim universal credit which can take months to get and stil not cover the rent.
Away from home his drug taking and mental health may get worse.

dimbo61

Post an advert on spareroom

[Deleted User]

@deannatrois I was thinking the exact same thing. Has the guarantee been set up correctly? 

youth_leader

I'm so sorry to read your post.  When my daughter got a Uni house we paid the rent from June, she didn't move in until August, a few of the students did as they'd got part time jobs locally.  Nice student houses are sought after, I'm sure a friend of a friend will take his room if you are able to transfer the tenancy.
Is there any way your son could attend a Uni nearer home and commute in instead?   

gettingtheresometime

I have no words of wisdom to add regarding the housing aspect of the problem but just wanted to give my two pence worth re his future.

yes I think you, he & the university needs a frank & honest discussion about his future in terms of whether he will be allowed back & on what terms. That way he (& you ) will know where he stands in that respect.

if the worst does come to the worst & he's kicked out, then that's the time for tough love...don't what ever you do allow him to wallow playing video games or watching Netflix.

I speak as a parent whose son also lied about how well he was doing at uni, failed his final year exams but is now in a respected job, with his own house.  

Kids eh?

ambc

Lover_of_Lycra said:

@deannatrois I was thinking the exact same thing. Has the guarantee been set up correctly? 

As far as I know it has. The letting agency is a fairly big agency in a pretty big university city, so I'd presume that it's correct. I also know that presumption is the mother of all... well, anyway. 

There was a clause in the contract that states that guarantors are only liable for the portion of rent payable by their son or daughter, so I was comfortable with that. I wouldn't have been comfortable guaranteeing the rent for the entire property (which is something like 3x or 4x my mortgage!).

ambc

youth_leader said:

Is there any way your son could attend a Uni nearer home and commute in instead?   

Yes, there are three really good universities within easy commuting distance of home. With hindsight, this should have been his plan from the outset. 

The problem is that he's now very much fixated on being back with his 'friends' and won't even entertain the idea of doing anything else, without a thought about how that might affect anyone else... emotionally, financially, or otherwise.

ambc

gettingtheresometime said:

I speak as a parent whose son also lied about how well he was doing at uni, failed his final year exams but is now in a respected job, with his own house.  

Kids eh?

Yep, I'm with you.

People screw up all the time, and people fix things all the time. He's just 18 and is a bright lad underneath. I'm realising that at this point in his life, he just wasn't mature enough to make that jump from school to actual real life, nor is he mature enough to see or understand the consequences of the decisions he's making right now. It's just tough... because as well as making sure he's ok, I also need to minimise any financial damage, too.

Cakeguts

I am reading this from the mental illness point of view and I personally think that the guarantor problem and the going back to university problem are minor problems in comparison to what your son is going through in his mind. 

I would like to offer a helpful suggestion of where you can start from to unravel this whole situation. 

Somewhere during his school time he has been conditioned or even dare I say it groomed by probably the school into thinking that university is where you go if you want to be successful and if you don't go you are some sort of failure.  This could easily have started at school if they were making a big fuss about the future prospects of students taking A levels especially students expected to get what are now called good A level results on exams that are now extremely easy to pass.   University degrees at good universities have not got any easier but A levels have.  I now have absolute proof of this that can't be argued with provided by the man who owns my local newsagents.  It is years since I took O levels and all the rubbish about teaching has got better is just basically rubbish. Anyway this man took O levels not very long ago in Kenya.  He then moved to the UK to do A levels here expecting them to be harder than his 11 O levels and the UK A level course was easier than his O level course had been in Kenya in the same subjects.  He had basically covered the whole A level maths courses for O level. 

Some people pass A levels by working hard and the school system with all the modules encourages this kind of thinking but some university courses cannot be passed like this they need what we call in my family fast speed of learning which isn't spoon fed on easy to pass A level courses. The other problem is that you cannot any longer tell when someone gets A*A*A* at A level if they are an A* person or what would have been an A**** which is the equivalent of the marking of an A when I did my A levels.  The A level standards do not match what is needed at university so unless you can pass A levels easily then university is not for you.

 

The next thing is that self harming and depression are unlikely to have started since September 2019. These mental health issues have been around for some time and for whatever reason they have not been picked up. 

Now if you start from the basis that your son has got the idea that university is the only option that he has of course he is going to lie to you when his mental illnesses mean that he is unable to continue and of course he is going to self medicate when he realises that he is not being given the help he really really needs.  I would imagine that his stress and anxiety levels are in a place where most people never go.  I can imagine that he is doing his absolute best to control his feelings by staying in his room and trying to be quiet.  He isn't ignoring you he is in distress even if you may not realise this.  What he doesn't need at this time is a good talking to about lying to you and what has been going on at university.

What he needs now is someone to help him deal with this serious illness that he has got.  He needs help.  Some people find it very difficult to imagine what it is like to have a mental illness if they have never had one. Depression is disabling it totally takes over your mind and you get random thoughts that you have no control over that generate by themselves.  Imagine that you have got the worlds worst headache.  You have had it for months and months and months.  No one has noticed that you have this headache so you have not been offered pain relief for it. You have managed to get through all your school work including your A levels with this headache because you can just about manage to do that.  Then you leave home and you are having to look after yourself and do some really hard work that requires a lot of thought and you still have this headache but it is starting to seriously get in the way of what you are trying to achieve. And then you find some illegal drug that gets rid of it. Wouldn't you take that? 

Now going back to the university problem and the housing.  You will be able to get someone else to take over his tenancy there is plenty of time to do that.  He is not going back to university this year or even next year or maybe never and that doesn't matter.  He hasn't failed in life if he never goes to university.  It is important that he understands that the university bit is not important.  There are some very very successful people who have never been to university. There is a valid argument that only people who need help to become successful go to university the others don't need to.

The priority now is not the university stuff it is his health. You say he is getting weekly GP visits is that correct?  What else is he getting?  He needs help with the drug taking, the underlying reason as to why he takes drugs and the underlying mental illnesses that have not been addressed.  If he is getting all this help that he needs why is he still in his bedroom all day?  He has been suicidal he needs a lot of concentrated care.  He can't ask for this care because he isn't well enough but you can get it for him but you will need to do a lot of pushing to get it.

I can't emphasise enough about the care that he needs for his health.  You mention self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression and self medicating with illegal drugs.  I feel very very sorry for your son. He is in absolute distress.

Whatever you do please do not communitcate to him that you are angry with him over his behaviour in not telling you. He is mentally ill. He did what he thought was best in the circumstances. You cannot punish him for that. Please think of a mental illness as if it was a physical one. You would not punish someone for getting a cancer and the same applies to a mental illness.

Some of what I have written will not apply to your son but I have written it here for anyone else who reads this thread in the future.

silvercar

There will always be students looking for accommodation. In August there will be students arriving through clearing who may be too late to get into halls and masters students only just deciding to start a masters degree. It is only first years in halls who are fooled into thinking that you have to sort out the next academic years accommodation many months in advance.