Can The Courts Help Me Get Father to See Children More?

onwards&upwards

theoretica said:

nicechap said:

Am I the only one reading the dilemma as one of getting extra free childcare rather than improving their children's relationship with their father.

Getting childcare yes, but as getting some of the equal responsibility for the children that the father has, rather than leaving it all on the mother to find, at whatever cost.

Parents don’t provide ‘childcare’ for their own kids.  What she wants is for him to take a more equal share of the parenting.  

After all they’re his just as much as they are hers, what if she just decided she only wanted to see them for a couple of hours every few weeks too?

MakingLifeMine

onwards&upwards said:

theoretica said:

nicechap said:

Am I the only one reading the dilemma as one of getting extra free childcare rather than improving their children's relationship with their father.

Getting childcare yes, but as getting some of the equal responsibility for the children that the father has, rather than leaving it all on the mother to find, at whatever cost.

Parents don’t provide ‘childcare’ for their own kids.  What she wants is for him to take a more equal share of the parenting.  

After all they’re his just as much as they are hers, what if she just decided she only wanted to see them for a couple of hours every few weeks too?

Agreed. Nothing to do with getting free childcare but about him taking more responsibility. He had told me ‘I do not want to see the children more often because I want to have a life’. He said this because we once separated a few years ago (before marriage) for 12 months. At that time, we had 1 child and I had a job and no business. His argument is that when he had our first born every weekend, I was able to go out and have fun but he never and now it’s his turn.

I have tried to explain that me taking a job overseas gives the children a better chance of a good life and I will not need financial support if he does not want to offer it. I am more than happy to support myself if I can, nothing to do with free childcare for the sake of it. I also told him that he would be able to see the children every 6 weeks and this would be no different to him taking a job overseas (which he often does) where he saw the children less often.

I currently work around my children. I work on Saturday every two weeks (if and when he has the children). I have burnt out 3 times in the last 1 year as I was trying to work when the children were sleeping and then staying up during the day without sleeping enough.

Asking him to have the children more so that I can work more consistently means eventually, I wouldn’t even need his support, in fact, once I get to a consistent level of work, I can afford my own childcare.

I just want to make it clear that I am not sitting here looking for handouts. I am ready to work. I have been working and continue to look for more work, and I just wanted to know if there was anything the father could do as he insists he has 50% responsibility too but doesn’t claim any of it. He just seems to like to say it from time to time it seems.

I should have been alarmed when he did this to his ex wife and I did question it but at the time, he told me I was not a parent and could not possibly understand what was happening between him and his ex wife, and their relationship had nothing to do with me, so I left it.  

I now see that I was naive in thinking this may be an option but I am thankful for those who have given me actionable tips and disappointed in those that feel that asking a dad to take his share of responsibility is me seeking an opportunity for free childcare. No, I just want the dad to take his share of responsibility. 

I guess I was just emotional that a dad can refuse to help but he has the right to say no to me and block me from taking a great job overseas that will better the life of me and my children. I was also emotional that I had given him the option of having the children if I go overseas for the job if he wants more access to the children but he said no, because apparently, looking after the children means he can not work.

I just don’t understand it but accept that this is just how it is and I have to work around it. I will continue as I am working every 2 weeks on a Saturday until I find something that works.

Comms69

swingaloo said:

MakingLifeMine said:

HampshireH said:

You should go through CSA  regardless especially if you are getting nothing at all now.

What’s the point if he will just underestimate his income. I saw him do this exact thing to his ex wife. I didn’t think anything of it because at the time we had no children and now I am going through the exact thing with him. Honestly, I am more than happy to work than receive an income. I just need the support to work but clearly I was naive expecting this.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but seeing him do the exact thing to his ex wife should have told you what sort of person he was. 
The court cant help make him see the children. We had it from the other side my O/H went to court as he was being denied access and even after winning he was no better off. All she had to do was say 'She cant see you this week because of a cold/party/going to grandmas/ got tickets for somewhere etc, etc, etc. etc and as another poster said you cant keep going back to the court for enforcement. 

You absolutely can. And it's contempt of court if the order isnt being followed.

Comms69

MakingLifeMine said:

onwards&upwards said:

theoretica said:

nicechap said:

Am I the only one reading the dilemma as one of getting extra free childcare rather than improving their children's relationship with their father.

Getting childcare yes, but as getting some of the equal responsibility for the children that the father has, rather than leaving it all on the mother to find, at whatever cost.

Parents don’t provide ‘childcare’ for their own kids.  What she wants is for him to take a more equal share of the parenting.  

After all they’re his just as much as they are hers, what if she just decided she only wanted to see them for a couple of hours every few weeks too?

Agreed. Nothing to do with getting free childcare but about him taking more responsibility. He had told me ‘I do not want to see the children more often because I want to have a life’. He said this because we once separated a few years ago (before marriage) for 12 months. At that time, we had 1 child and I had a job and no business. His argument is that when he had our first born every weekend, I was able to go out and have fun but he never and now it’s his turn. - Well kind of. Everyone is entitled to a work/social/family life balance. But you cant force someone to be responsible. Some people aren't.  

I have tried to explain that me taking a job overseas gives the children a better chance of a good life and I will not need financial support if he does not want to offer it. Generally speaking the view is that children should have a relationship with both parents.  I am more than happy to support myself if I can, nothing to do with free childcare for the sake of it. I also told him that he would be able to see the children every 6 weeks and this would be no different to him taking a job overseas (which he often does) where he saw the children less often.

I currently work around my children. I work on Saturday every two weeks (if and when he has the children). I have burnt out 3 times in the last 1 year as I was trying to work when the children were sleeping and then staying up during the day without sleeping enough. - Have you claimed all relevant benefits, have you adjusted your lifestyle to suit the new income?

Asking him to have the children more so that I can work more consistently means eventually, I wouldn’t even need his support, in fact, once I get to a consistent level of work, I can afford my own childcare. Understandable, but if he's not playing ball, not a lot you can do

I just want to make it clear that I am not sitting here looking for handouts. I am ready to work. I have been working and continue to look for more work, and I just wanted to know if there was anything the father could do as he insists he has 50% responsibility too but doesn’t claim any of it. He just seems to like to say it from time to time it seems. - So dont believe him in the future

I should have been alarmed when he did this to his ex wife and I did question it but at the time, he told me I was not a parent and could not possibly understand what was happening between him and his ex wife, and their relationship had nothing to do with me, so I left it.  

I now see that I was naive in thinking this may be an option but I am thankful for those who have given me actionable tips and disappointed in those that feel that asking a dad to take his share of responsibility is me seeking an opportunity for free childcare. No, I just want the dad to take his share of responsibility. - he doesnt though. I know it sucks. There's fathers who would give their last penny to see their child and cant. 

I guess I was just emotional that a dad can refuse to help but he has the right to say no to me and block me from taking a great job overseas that will better the life of me and my children. - that is the way the law currently works. If he had zero contact, the courts may then decide that it would be appropriate  I was also emotional that I had given him the option of having the children if I go overseas for the job if he wants more access to the children but he said no, because apparently, looking after the children means he can not work.

I just don’t understand it but accept that this is just how it is and I have to work around it. I will continue as I am working every 2 weeks on a Saturday until I find something that works.

Things get better as kids get older. You cant make someone be a good person, or a good parent. You just have to be the best you can be