Separating and getting back together?

-taff

Purplepineapple wrote: »

I'm not usually one for comparing myself but it's hard not to feel bad about myself.

You didn't make him depressed. He already was. You are not responsible for him.

Purplepineapple

Thank you both for your suggestions and comments. Today I went for a lovely long walk in the woods. Being busy actually helped a lot ( I'm currently between jobs) so I will schedule in more activities.
I will suggest to my husband he looks into the health cover. If not there is a counseling service near to where he is staying.
Taff what you said about me not making my husband depressed really meant a lot. I've thought so much about what I have done / said over the years and how it could have contributed but really can't think. I'm not perfect but I don't think I've done anything to cause it. I think even with the body of a supermodel ( my husband dislikes my weight gain) the greatest patience, cooking skills, housekeeping and sense of humour in the world he would still be irritated by me when he is feeling ill. How I hate mental illness!

Mnd

Listen to i need a little time by Beautiful South

Purplepineapple

Ha ha, thank you Mnd! Appreciate the suggestion but I hate that song. If I had to vote for the worst song ever it would be that one. Isn't that the song with the video of people on a swing covered in flour? This song talks about having a big head and space for a thousand beds...... Yeah my husband is upsetting me but he doesn't have a big head or sleep around. He is ill. He certainly isn't having fun as the song suggests, he sleeps during the day, has a very low opinion of himself and even told me the other day that death can't come soon enough.

Mnd

My wife was treated terribly by her ex husband, and when it gets to the bit where the girl sings " you had a little time, you had a little fun, she turns into a monster!

Seriously hope everything is OK for you

Purplepineapple

Thanks Mnd. Depression really is a horrible thing. It's robbed my husband of happiness and made my life very stressful and uncertain. I just can't win. I can give my husband compliments but he won't believe them. If I list the things I do to try and highlight how much I do to care for him, he sees it as me keeping scores. If I ask how he is, I think I'm caring, but he thinks I'm annoying. If a decision needs to be made and I make it because he is reluctant to give an opinion he thinks I am controlling. I don't want to turn my back on him. Just the same as if he had a physical illness but the truth is sometimes just me being here annoys him!

-taff

Then it's a good job he;s gone off by himself for a bit so you can see what you are like without him.
If he's acting like you can't do right for doing wrong then he's taking it out on you, and now that he's disappeared for a bit, you are left to look after your son, it's time for you to realise that you cannot make another person happy, they have to do it for themselves. He needs to make an adjustment in his thinking and so do you.
Good luck.

meer53

My Husband left when my children were 15 and 2. He didn't like my weight gain, or how I looked or how I cooked/cleaned etc. We had been married for 18 years, together for 23 when he decided he was "unhappy" Not suffering from any mental illness, just unhappy. Turned out he'd been having an affair for years.

I know this isn't what's happening to the OP's Husband but what I learned from my experience is that i'd spent far too long doing things for him, being what some might call a "good wife" With hindsight, I really regret doing those things now, I really should have spent more time on myself and let him do more for himself, I did most things for a quiet life really, to stop him moaning, it didn't work, despite him coming back home 3 times in the first year of our separation and in the end, I discovered I quite liked being on my own with the children, not having to deal with someone who constantly made me and my children walk on eggshells whenever he was around in case he was in a mood. It was liberating.

What i'm saying to the OP is to let your OH go off and do what he wants to do, don't stress about what may or may not happen in the future. But most of all, take time for yourself and your children and enjoy the time you have now, when you don't have to deal with your OH. My son who was 15 has told me that it was a relief when his Dad left, I never realised how it was affecting him.

If he gets the help he needs and sorts himself out that's great, but don't worry about it if he doesn't. Good luck x

Purplepineapple

Thanks. I miss him and hope he sorts himself out to be a happy person once again. Ultimately I want us to find the new improved version of ourselves and embark on take two! However I'm starting to realize I don't miss the worry of always saying the wrong thing. I don't miss cooking at 9pm because he was sleeping during normal dinner time or worrying he is thinking something negative about me or the way I look.
Right now I'm feeling down due to thinking maybe he has fallen out of love with me and no amount of help will change it.
Our son stayed round his at the weekend and said he seemed much happier. Is he going to attribute that happiness to having alone time? Having the little project of kitting out the flat keeping him occupied or because he is away from me? I guess I want him to miss me and I'm worried he wont.

meer53

Purplepineapple wrote: »

Thanks. I miss him and hope he sorts himself out to be a happy person once again. Ultimately I want us to find the new improved version of ourselves and embark on take two! However I'm starting to realize I don't miss the worry of always saying the wrong thing. I don't miss cooking at 9pm because he was sleeping during normal dinner time or worrying he is thinking something negative about me or the way I look.
Right now I'm feeling down due to thinking maybe he has fallen out of love with me and no amount of help will change it.
Our son stayed round his at the weekend and said he seemed much happier. Is he going to attribute that happiness to having alone time? Having the little project of kitting out the flat keeping him occupied or because he is away from me? I guess I want him to miss me and I'm worried he wont.

I know those feelings so well. I desperately wanted my ex to come home so we could try again but as time passed I realised that he was making me miserable and knocking my self confidence. It took about 18 months before I finally realised I was happier on my own with the children than trying to make him happy. It was quite a revelation really. Now I think if anyone has a problem with how I look then that's their problem, not mine, I've learned to love myself, and that's the great thing that came out of a horrible time. I would never let anyone do that to me again.