Separating and getting back together? 22 January 2020 at 7:17PM in Marriage, relationships & families 40 replies 2.8K views

Purplepineapple

I don't know where to start, what to think, what to do. My husband has struggled with depression for many years. This often causes him to become withdrawn, sleep a lot and become very irritable / critical of me. Surprisingly he holds down a well paid job but we do very little as a family, he is always exhausted. So around Christmas he told me he was unhappy with various aspects of our relationship and life in general and wanted to be alone and has now moved out.
He says that at least 50% of the problem is his mental health and 30% of our relationship issues are caused by the way his mental health causes him to view things. He has told me his intention is for this to be temporary. He wants to sort himself out and attend counselling with the hope we will get back together and continue with our plans.
I feel angry on one hand. How will living alone help things? What if he decides he doesn't want to come back? On the other hand I just want to see him happy and enjoy life again and respect that maybe although I think it's strange this really is best for him.
I'm excited about the prospect of getting back together and having the happy marriage we want but not sure I could ever relax. What if he leaves again and next time it's permanent? To me marriage is sacred and leaving is not an option unless it's something that really can't be fixed.
I feel I'm in limbo. I'm angry at him but sad for his unhappiness in equal measures! We are still talking and meeting up but he won't hug me or say he loves me. It's all very hurtful and frustrating! Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Socajam

What you need to start doing is focusing on yourself in order to become a strong independent person so that when and if he returns you are at a stage where you can stand whatever he throws at you - meaning whether he wants to continue the relationship or leave for good.
Continue to meet up, get some some counseling for yourself - this might help you to clear a lot of thinks that can hold you back.
I am not sure how financially secure you are, but you also need to work on this, just in case your husband decides not to return. Nothing beats being financially independent.
Lastly some kind of exercise to relieve the stress you are under - walking for me is a great stress reliever, its helps me to sleep and clear my head as you can talk things through yourself - I do this when walking.

Purplepineapple

Thanks socajam. I think you are spot on. It's only been a short time but I've realised I somewhat lost my identity over the years. I thought doing everything for my husband and son was the right thing but actually I neglected myself in the process. I have never been financially independent. It's scary to think I have to be but also exciting.
I have just started parkrun ( walking!) and the odd bit of swimming.
Actually counselling for myself might be a good idea. I have pretty low self esteem right now.

onwards&upwards

Have you thought about going to counselling for yourself too? Then maybe when he’s in a better place you could go together as a couple?

Socajam

Purplepineapple wrote: »

Thanks socajam. I think you are spot on. It's only been a short time but I've realised I somewhat lost my identity over the years. I thought doing everything for my husband and son was the right thing but actually I neglected myself in the process. I have never been financially independent. It's scary to think I have to be but also exciting.
I have just started parkrun ( walking!) and the odd bit of swimming.
Actually counselling for myself might be a good idea. I have pretty low self esteem right now.

You are welcome
Just take one day at a time and before you know it, you will wonder, how the hell did I allow myself to get into that position.
Try not to think back too much on the mistakes you have made because that can lead to depression and that is something you want to avoid.
If you are feeling low go for a swim or walking.
Get some music that you love and walk and sing to yourself and the birds - they can only chirp.
This year I am thinking of joining a hiking club - not sure how physical you are - but that might be a way of making friends and seeing the countryside. I love hiking - the before and after feeling
One of the things I have learnt is to do things by myself - eating out in a restaurant, going to the movies, going on day trips or even holidays etc. At first it was daunting, but after the second time, it's really nice to have that time to yourself and not having to think about other people - selfish yes, but sometimes you have to be for your own sanity.
You will get there, one day at a time.
And I have a partner, but I find that I need some time for me.

Purplepineapple

I didn't originally. I assumed he needed to sort himself out and then we would have counselling as a couple but maybe I'd benefit. I always saw myself as quite resilient but actually I've suffered a horrid experience at work that I still don't think I'm over, a weird relationship with my mum and domestic violence that to this day I've never told anyone about. I'm also part way through an autism assessment. Yep, I do put myself last.

[Deleted User]

I think sometimes by 'doing everything' for someone you not only exhaust yourself but also make them feel even more helpless and unable to cope. If they aren't appreciative, it can nake low self esteem worse.

Counselling would really help to figure out why this happened and why the two of you got together in the first place (sometimes people can be attracted because they both have unhealthy mindsets, call it understanding each other but it can be a bit negative unless both partners are able to grow healthier).

I do the same, and yep, I am now single. But happier than I have been for many years. Also diagnosed as having autism a couple of years ago and similar background.

I have done as advised, finding things I like to do, that make me happy. It really helps you be positive about the future. My family is now happier than its been for many years and we have a feeling of moving forward. Seeing my son smile is wonderful. Just done a joint fun cooking session cooking something I've never done before lol. Didn't have the energy before. There are moments of sadnes and regret of course, but I can see now that we finally have the happy family environment we wanted but could never find with things as they were.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hi OP. I have a close family member with MH issues whom I have literally almost destroyed myself trying to 'save'. I thought I would add a couple of thoughts - but disclaimer, these are my own thoughts from my own experiences so don't take anything I say as facts

Purplepineapple wrote: »

I don't know where to start, what to think, what to do. My husband has struggled with depression for many years. This often causes him to become withdrawn, sleep a lot and become very irritable / critical of me.

This behaviour IMO, is typical of someone with depression - as the nearest and dearest, you end up 'in the firing line'' and from my own experience, as they hear the words come out of their mouths, they dislike themselves for being that way

Surprisingly he holds down a well paid job but we do very little as a family, he is always exhausted.

Maybe a high functioning disorder.

People try to hide it at work, and when they come home the mask inevitably slips. it is hard work putting on a 'front'

So around Christmas he told me he was unhappy with various aspects of our relationship and life in general and wanted to be alone and has now moved out.

He says that at least 50% of the problem is his mental health and 30% of our relationship issues are caused by the way his mental health causes him to view things. He has told me his intention is for this to be temporary. He wants to sort himself out and attend counselling with the hope we will get back together and continue with our plans.
I feel angry on one hand. How will living alone help things? What if he decides he doesn't want to come back?

Living alone does a few things.

It allows him to focus on himself more. Focus on the recovery he wants to make and the person he wants to be. It removes him from feeling guilty about snapping at you.

Feeling ill, and then spending time worrying about how others are handing it is the worst, it is like being doubly ill. It removes you yourself from the firing line...and that helps both of you

IMO this whole separation, should be seen as a positive thing - he has recognised that something needs to change...and does not , from what you say...want to permanently separate.

It seems to me that he has some insight that if things carry on as they are, it might end up in a permanent split. A lot of people with depression are by default, hugely selfish (obvs the illness) but he seems like he is thinking about the both of you


On the other hand I just want to see him happy and enjoy life again and respect that maybe although I think it's strange this really is best for him. I think it may be best for BOTH of you (for now)

I'm excited about the prospect of getting back together and having the happy marriage we want but not sure I could ever relax. What if he leaves again and next time it's permanent? To me marriage is sacred and leaving is not an option unless it's something that really can't be fixed.

I understand this thought process. and do not really have an answer, other than having counselling together and being honest with conversations with each other

I feel I'm in limbo. I'm angry at him but sad for his unhappiness in equal measures! We are still talking and meeting up but he won't hug me or say he loves me.

He is just distancing himself for now. It is a mentally self protective measure I think

It's all very hurtful and frustrating! Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

I think you are being very brave and showing a lot of tenacity in hanging in there.

Just remember, that although it is difficult for him, it is for you too - so it may help for you to find someone to talk to, a counsellor to go through what you are saying

In reality, you seem to be grieving for a marriage that you thought you had / wanted - and need strength to move on to the uncertain pastures new

I know you want to support him 100% but do think about you too

From experience I know that trying to 'save' someone whom has a mental health issue - is NOT possible and can destroy yourself by trying. Please do not go that far.

Don't become his 'crutch'. Let him do it in his own sweet time, sorting himself out - making appointments etc. I think you need to step back further than you may realise. He needs to be his own 'crutch'

Yes there is a chance he won't come back. It is a small chance (I think from what you have said) but it is a small chance - reality speaking.

I think you need to become more independent in that sense. Learn to look after yourself

Do things that you want to do - the type of things he wouldn't want to do with you - a facial, an art museum, whatever. Try and re-discover you

As this break, it is as much about YOUR healing, as his. Focus on YOU more, please. I cannot emphasise this enough. Just sit and think, right now, about the effect this has/is having on you.

I wish you all the best. Please keep this thread going, - let us know how things go and I can see it being helpful to others x

-taff

In every case where someone I know, or myself have split and got back together with someone, it has never ever worked out.

Purplepineapple

Thank you so much for your considerate reply. I really appreciate your insight. It's a big change for me as I moved straight from my parents to be with my husband and we have been together 16 years. I guess I don't know much different.
I agree I need to focus on my wellbeing. It's frustrating and tiring living with someone with a mental health issue. I always feel I have to watch what I say and often my husband takes what I say the wrong way. Over the years I've neglected myself and only just realized it.
The point about allowing my husband to sort himself out is my main conflict right now. I'm worried he won't eat properly or take his medication without my help but some independence would probably do him good!
What you say about him wanting space is exactly how he explained it. I guess he felt the need to break the cycle and I am happy he has finally realized he needs to tackle his health rather than hope it goes away.
The reality is we had plans that I can't accomplish alone. Maybe that sounds money grabbing but I don't mean it that way. Buying a house, travelling and getting a little place abroad. It might happen but might not and I hate the not knowing.
The absolute worst part is knowing how much my child is hurting. Not knowing if daddy will come home or not. I'm trying to be strong but I'm sure he sees through it.
Thanks for the feedback and support.

Purplepineapple

I know of one couple who managed it but according to Google it's rare! I'm trying to ignore the stats and hope for the best but I see your point totally.