Separating and getting back together?

Purplepineapple

Thanks pickledonio he has only ever been to the GP. It had crossed my mind that there could be something else in the background. This episode spiralled to where it is now after he went to visit his mum. He came back very withdrawn having been seemingly ok when he left 2 weeks prior. I can't help thinking seeing his mum looking 'old' and vulnerable for the first time has triggered something. Maybe subconscious memories of the domestic abuse and his inability to protect his mum? I'm guessing here, I'm not qualified! His family are also putting pressure on him. One telling him their issues but making him promise not to tell other family members etc. I think he acknowledges he should step back and not get so involved.

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

Thanks pickledonio he has only ever been to the GP. It had crossed my mind that there could be something else in the background. This episode spiralled to where it is now after he went to visit his mum. He came back very withdrawn having been seemingly ok when he left 2 weeks prior. I can't help thinking seeing his mum looking 'old' and vulnerable for the first time has triggered something. Maybe subconscious memories of the domestic abuse and his inability to protect his mum? I'm guessing here, I'm not qualified! His family are also putting pressure on him. One telling him their issues but making him promise not to tell other family members etc. I think he acknowledges he should step back and not get so involved.

I think you have a point. IMO even certain people can be a trigger to anxiety and depression.

That certain person (his mum in this case) has been at the centre of a whirlwind of problems for so long that even the sight of them can bring about a down turn in mood. It doesn't mean he doesn't care deeply but it is kind of bad anxieties and worries associate with that person - and it is embedded behaviour

and same for his other family. Some people seem to end up like a bloomin agony aunt for others *holds hand up* and it is draining. I even get strangers telling me their woes.

You take on problems and each one pulls a piece out of you

I really think it might be a good idea to get his GP to refer him to a shrink. Get him properly assessed. A GP is only guessing - and their training barely scratches the surface of MH issues

Seeing a psychiatrist is where he will get more answers - and also access to better medication

Certain medications can only be prescribed by a psychiatrist

I think he really needs to see one. Even privately. Get assessed

At the minute he is just trying to get better, from a guessed diagnosis

Purplepineapple

Chatting it through the other day my husband did actually say maybe he should go to a psychiatrist. It does make sense to get a correct diagnosis. In the ten minute appointment with the gp I am pretty sure he didn't divulge some points ( domestic violence and manipulative family members) so it would be hard to be spot on with a diagnosis.

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

Chatting it through the other day my husband did actually say maybe he should go to a psychiatrist. It does make sense to get a correct diagnosis. In the ten minute appointment with the gp I am pretty sure he didn't divulge some points ( domestic violence and manipulative family members) so it would be hard to be spot on with a diagnosis.

GPs do not know all the questions to ask to draw the necessary information out of a person...and they don't have the time, like you say

It is hard, and with the NHS, even when a referral is put in place it can take months or over a year, before a Psychiatry appointment comes up - and then if there are any therapies involved, such as cognitive or psycho-dynamic, well in my City it is well over a two year wait

Does your husband get any kind of private medical insurance through his job?

Purplepineapple

He has an employee assistance helpline but I think he may also have private health cover, I'm not sure. I think if it comes to it, it would be well worth paying for to avoid the wait. I'm worried if we leave it too long he might change his mind. Hopefully not this time though. I think he is truly fed up with his poor quality of life.
Really appreciate your input, thank you.

paddyz

Where has he moved too?

I have been involved with several people with similar, all the advice given is good but I think you really have to start thinking about yourself moving forward too, it’s so scary to think about being alone and a lone parent but this could be a case of your husbands choice being a permanent one

Savvy_Sue

Your son - do school know the situation? There may be support available there.

Purplepineapple

So my husband has moved just up the road to a flat. 5 min drive from me. He is kitting out the place quite nicely. I see his point that he wants to live in comfort but seems a lot of effort and money if he is actually planning on coming back. He picked out new bed covers which turned out to be the exact ones we have at home. He invited himself to come shopping with us and is coming over today to connect some computer stuff. Makes me think he misses us but I'm interested to see if contact diminishes once he gets used to living alone. He has said all along he wants to still do stuff as a family, go for walks, meals etc. I question if that's what he wants or if it's for our sons benefit. I seem to be noticing all these happy families. I have acquaintances that are married who constantly moan about their partners, shout and swear at them or go out getting drunk or flirt with other people. I don't do any of that and yet look what's happened. I'm not usually one for comparing myself but it's hard not to feel bad about myself.
Have not told school. I think that actually might make it worse. One girl in the class parents recently divorced and the form teacher keeps mentioning it every time the girl forgets a book or hasn't had breakfast! She attributes every little thing to the divorce. My son is happy at school and has friends and does sports and volunteering at weekends so will probably keep it to ourselves for now so he has somewhere he knows he can be without it being clouded by the situation.

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

He has an employee assistance helpline but I think he may also have private health cover, I'm not sure. I think if it comes to it, it would be well worth paying for to avoid the wait. I'm worried if we leave it too long he might change his mind. Hopefully not this time though. I think he is truly fed up with his poor quality of life.
Really appreciate your input, thank you.

Those employee assistance helplines IMO are a waste of time - just really an employer ticking boxes (but that is just my experience, his may be better)

If he has got private health cover, that is defo the quickest way to be seen. I would go for it 100%

Where I worked before it was really simple to use. All you had to do was call the provider for a reference code, see your GP and ask for a private referral letter, book your choice of private practitioner and give them the code. You get seen within a week or two - and they are much more thorough, they have more time to devote to each patient. It is worth looking at local private Psychiatrists and finding one you like the look of / credentials

Just remember you cannot make him do any of this. All you can do is make suggestions

I really hope things get better for you all x

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

So my husband has moved just up the road to a flat. 5 min drive from me. He is kitting out the place quite nicely. I see his point that he wants to live in comfort but seems a lot of effort and money if he is actually planning on coming back. He picked out new bed covers which turned out to be the exact ones we have at home. He invited himself to come shopping with us and is coming over today to connect some computer stuff. Makes me think he misses us but I'm interested to see if contact diminishes once he gets used to living alone. He has said all along he wants to still do stuff as a family, go for walks, meals etc. I question if that's what he wants or if it's for our sons benefit. I se[COLOR="Black"]em to be noticing all these happy families. I have acquaintances that are married who constantly moan about their partners, shout and swear at them or go out getting drunk or flirt with other people. I don't do any of that and yet look what's happened. I'm not usually one for comparing myself but it's hard not to feel bad about myself.
Have not told school. I think that actually might make it worse. One girl in the class parents recently divorced and the form teacher keeps mentioning it every time the girl forgets a book or hasn't had breakfast! She attributes every little thing to the divorce. My son is happy at school and has friends and does sports and volunteering at weekends so will probably keep it to ourselves for now so he has somewhere he knows he can be without it being clouded by the situation.

There are specialised support groups - Carers for those with MH issues or Families of MH issues (well there are in my town) - just a further idea. I went to one in our area for quite some time. Very helpful. Meet other people in similar situations

Don't feel bad about yourself. None of this is because of you, or about you IYSWIM. These thoughts are really bleak and a precursor to becoming unwell yourself

Try to relax. Yoga / Meditation etc, get a hobby you love. I mean you need to mentally transport yourself from this situation because all the anxieties in the world and circular thinking 'will he come back? ' or 'Will he recover?'over and over and over are going to drive you MAD.

Que Sera Sera = no one knows what will happen. You have no control. You need to let go of the feeling that you do, or you have a choice in his progression / recovery / or future choices. All you can do is suggest things to him. If he doesn't do them, even if you think its for his own good, you can not make him

Buddhists are big believers in making peace with the uncertain aspects of life. I lean a lot on those teachings when I am starting to over think and dwell on things that I will never find the answers for as the future is uncertain

That bit I highlighted in pink - this people sound like idiots. I try not to judge but they do.

Oh and one last thing, that my family member said to me, that resonates is
''un-requested help, is NOT help''
- this was when I used to more assertively try to take control. Which I have learned to not do these days

It is a very hard path to follow, and I really do implore you to suggest these things to him, and then leave it up to him, whilst YOU focus on you and your boy - as you are both suffering too

And the worry you feel for your boy - it is probably healthier this way , surely better to live apart from his father and see the more sunny sides, rather than live with a depressed snappy man IYSWIM. So dont worry too much