Separating and getting back together?

-taff

If I were you, I would stop worrying about him and start worrying about you. Yo are not responsible for him, he is. He can choose to take his medication, or not. He can choose to do things to help him, he can choose not to. Ultimately, you have no say in what happens to him, he does , and he has severed ties with you to concentrate on himself.
So do the same thing. Face the future as if you will never be together again. Because if he gets better and wants to resume being with each other and more importantly, you want this for yourself, then all well and good.
Otherwise you are going to be stuck in limbo worrying about someone who can't spare the time or energy to worry about you, wondering what he's up to, when he won't be thinking about what you're up to, thinking about the future with trepidation and worry, which he won't unless it relates to himself specifically.
You are for all intents and purposes, newly single. Find your own future.

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

Thank you so much for your considerate reply. I really appreciate your insight. It's a big change for me as I moved straight from my parents to be with my husband and we have been together 16 years. I guess I don't know much different.
I agree I need to focus on my wellbeing. It's frustrating and tiring living with someone with a mental health issue. I always feel I have to watch what I say and often my husband takes what I say the wrong way. Over the years I've neglected myself and only just realized it.

God it really is so hugely frustrating and tiring. Treading on egg shells all the time - having everything you say turned around - even a caring sentiment used as a weapon. It is not living - it is existing.
You are bearing the brunt of someone elses problem

The point about allowing my husband to sort himself out is my main conflict right now. I'm worried he won't eat properly or take his medication without my help but some independence would probably do him good!

Unless you watch him every minute, you will not know this.... You are describing anxiety. You are getting anxiety over his condition. He is an adult and he needs to learn to cope without any external input - and by doing stuff for him, remind him to take his meds or helping with meals, it is enabling him to rely on you - please don't do it.

What you say about him wanting space is exactly how he explained it. I guess he felt the need to break the cycle and I am happy he has finally realized he needs to tackle his health rather than hope it goes away.
The reality is we had plans that I can't accomplish alone. Maybe that sounds money grabbing but I don't mean it that way. Buying a house, travelling and getting a little place abroad. It might happen but might not and I hate the not knowing.

Sometimes you have to get used to a new reality....and if you cannot then maybe you need to re-asses if being with him is worth doing none of your other dreams. If nothing changed, would you want to give your dreams up, to be with him?

I really do think you should consider this possibility, that if the life you have now (with him) is was your permanent future- would you want it?

The last paragraph, I am not saying that the temporary separation will not help, I just think you need to consider how you would feel if things were the same in five years for example. Just think of the possibilities

Seriously you only have one life to live, you have a right (and a duty) to make YOURSELF happy in this fleeting time we have on this planet



The absolute worst part is knowing how much my child is hurting. Not knowing if daddy will come home or not. I'm trying to be strong but I'm sure he sees through it.
Thanks for the feedback and support.

How old is your child? If they are above a certain age, I would suggest just being honest.

Shielding kids from every single pain of life don't prepare them for the real world - if your child is old enough I would explain it - IMO you need to go through this pain together - not you both putting on an uncertain front for the other

Purplepineapple

I'm currently hanging onto the hope we will get back together. We do share the same dreams and currently my husband says he does want us to work. However I realize this situation could just be dragging out a future permanent seperation. Either way I do accept I need to concentrate on myself more.
Our child is 13. I'm worried this will permanently adversely impact him. We have been honest. He is angry and confused and struggling to understand the mental health part. To him daddy is being quite selfish.

PasturesNew

Some people just need to be alone, the ISTJ personality type (look it up). Being with/around others is exhausting.

Maybe he needs a little man cave in the garden to retreat to....

Those who aren't exhausted by the presence of others can't understand that "this is a thing, it's real" and they can't change that.

Not being able to retreat/recharge can lead one into feelings of depression, or actual depression. Too much pressure in the world to be "just like the other people, who have more energy".

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

I'm currently hanging onto the hope we will get back together. We do share the same dreams and currently my husband says he does want us to work. However I realize this situation could just be dragging out a future permanent seperation. Either way I do accept I need to concentrate on myself more.
Our child is 13. I'm worried this will permanently adversely impact him. We have been honest. He is angry and confused and struggling to understand the mental health part. To him daddy is being quite selfish.

Your child is seeing it through a child's eyes. He needs more information. He deserves more information. He is not a young child - he's a teenager

Tell your child that mental health is an illness. His Dad cannot help being ill.

He really needs to understand this and at 13, he should be being told this. It is critically important that he realises that no blame or stigma be attached to depression or any other mental health issue

His Dad leaving is for recovery. It is not selfish to recover. He needs to stop attributing blame to anything other than illness

I'll have a more adverse effect if your child is not corrected and is allowed to think that his Dad is selfish

Share more with him. Be honest. Your child is old enough to know

You cannot protect your child from all the wrongs in the world, yknow, and it is not healthy to do so


Stop trying to protect everyone around you. Tears are going to get shed, sure....but that is a natural part of everyone's life and you cannot stop it.

Purplepineapple

I totally agree, I'm one of these people. We do have space from each other but he does and always has tried to avoid serious discussions / planning or anything remotely stressful. I think maybe some CBT would help regardless of what happens between us.

Purplepineapple

I have been honest and explained that daddy is ill. When his dad was always sleeping or grumpy or unwilling to do family things I explained it's probably because daddy feels unwell but he still often felt ignored and took it as daddy didn't care or want to be with him. They are planning to spend the weekend together so hopefully once they start to spend more quality and happy time together this will improve. One good thing is that my husband and I are being very civil. There is no arguing or anything negative said about each other.

-taff

Has he actually got depression? Or is he feeling frustrated, unfulfilled? Only asking because he's irritable and critical of you, that doesnt sound like someone who is depressed, it sounds like someone who has realised they're trapped in a life they didn't want.
Either way, it's you and your son now, because as far as I can see, he IS being selfish, but that may or may not be caused by a MH issue.

I recall a spate of people being given anti depressants by a doctor because they were all insisting they had depression when really, it was a lifestyle occurence that meant they were feeling frustrated, not fulfilled, a little bit down, not serious clinical depression.

Purplepineapple

Thanks Taff. It's diagnosed clinical depression and he has been on medication for 10 years now. However he has felt depressed since the age of around 14 so I think he spent a lot of time just trying to suppress his feelings. There was some childhood trauma as well and I think that might play a part. He has always said he doesn't always know the reason for feeling down. Sometimes he just wakes up that way. I know he feels unfulfilled in some aspects of life but because of the depression, lacks motivation to make changes so is stuck in this horrible cycle. For the first time he has told me he wants to go to counselling and alter his diet and exercise. I hope he does but you are correct that he needs to do it for himself.

pickledonionspaceraider

Purplepineapple wrote: »

For the first time he has told me he wants to go to counselling and alter his diet and exercise. I hope he does but you are correct that he needs to do it for himself.

That is a massive huge positive step. I mean it is probably the best thing he can do right now, for him - and longer term for your family

Has he been assessed by a psychiatrist lately?

I ask that because there could possibly be other factors at play, other than depression I mean.

Childhood trauma really causes scars and can lead to PTSD and cycling moods with no outer trigger can be a symptom of Bipolar

Sometimes one MH issue can evolve into another