Direct cremations

lees80

I think what people say they want, and what actually ends up happening are often quite different. On the one hand the wishes of the deceased should be met, but realistically we as a society have been brought up with the whole funeral thing being perfectly normal and expected.

My grandfather used to say he didn't want people gawping at him in his box when he had gone, quite explicit about not wanting anyone moping around in a chapel of rest. The reality was he died sat in his armchair totally unexpectedly. Family didn't take it too well and all wanted to see him before the funeral. They did, and he didn't look very good at all (taking aside he was dead!) and the memories of that have stayed with them.

My partners Dad died, family chose cremation, estranged wife chose burial and arranged the funeral. Discussions were had but she wouldn't budge. He was buried and again, family still never quite comfortable with it but it's done now.

We can all tell our families what we want, but we won't be there to do much about it when the time comes. I'd like to be cremated - whatever service surrounds that (or not) isn't an issue for me, just want family to say goodbye in a way that helps them move forward once I'm gone.

lindens

CathA wrote: »

My husband and I have decided that we don't want a funeral for a variety of reasons, and are planning to organise a pre-paid direct cremation plan soon. We have told our children, some seem ok, some seem a bit concerned.

If anyone has had one of these in their family, how did the family feel about it? i.e. did they feel they missed out/were upset that there wasn't a 'proper' send-off/glad? We have explained our reasons, but our eldest was a bit put out. (He's 30 odd, so not a young child)

If anyone has had one, what company did you use and roughly how much was it? With hindsight would you have had a 'normal' funeral/cremation? If so why?

I'm sorry to ask such awkward questions, but we've just had a death in the family and it's been a difficult time. We just want to make sensible decisions and having had a recent funeral it's sharpened our minds to getting on with this.

Thank you.

when my father went into care due to dementia, this was one of the things we planned and discussed. There was only a small number of people involved and we all agreed that funeral services are upsetting and expensive so we didnt have one.

When the crem appointment time came, we all sat quietly in our own space, which is what we wanted, and remembered him. It was obviously cheaper and we got an early morning slot which no-one wants as usually people are travelling in, so we didnt have to wait long for the slot either.

We plan to have a "remembrance afternoon tea" for other friends and family later

we wouldnt have done it if we weren't all in agreement, and after the event we agreed we had all made the right decision, for us.

pickledonionspaceraider

I think people should have what they want. But it is hard on Family to have the grieving process taken away from them

My parents have chosen a direct cremation, where no one is notified - and outwardly I nodded and smiled.

But inwardly, I am extremely heartbroken about this. I know it is their choice, but I, and my siblings, would like the chance to show respects - when the time comes.

But there will be nothing. It will be like they never existed and Family will find out afterwards they had even passed away.

Honestly, I feel like it is a two fingers up to the people who would like to pay their respects and cared. No last chance to show how you cared for the deceased. They don't want that

A funeral is part of the grieving process, a chance for a last goodbye, in reality, the funeral is for the living - to help them process the fact they will never see their loved one again...and to

I know this won't be a popular opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone. I am just being honest

At the end of the day, it is their decision and the Family will just have to lump it. That seems pretty much to be the mindset

Heartbreaking for everyone else though

I feel that when they do die, this process will leave psychological scars for some of us. As it is not the normal expected way of things - people need time to naturally come to terms with things - not someone you loved all your life to just *puff* disappear.

Again, apologies if this upsets anyone - it is not my intention. I probably don't have the popular opinion on this anyway and I am sure everyone does not feel like this.

2e0arr

Psychological scars LOL what about when does the share out start ?
In your will leave a set sum to pay for your funeral and nothing else from your estate. If this is exceeded at grieving family's request that's up to those of them who want to pay, to pay.
Some of the benefactors may prefer to have your money rather that it goes to a funeral director.
Mind you a funeral can be great fun especially when past and present disagreements surface LOL.

Ideal for people watchers like me LOL

CathA

Thank you everyone for your comments and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm truly grateful for everyone that's shared their thoughts. I'll try and answer the questions asked.

Can't work out how to multi-quote. so bear with me if I do it a bit at a time.

CathA

Marcon wrote: »

Talk to him again and find out more about what he really thinks, if he's willing to open up. He may just have been surprised that you could do this, having assumed that everyone 'has' to have a funeral.

There is of course nothing at all to stop you stipulating that you would like a small private funeral (close family only) with a 'thanksgiving for the life of...' at a later date, open to all.

You'll be dead when this happens; it is only the living who will still be able to feel emotions.

Yes, we'll be chatting to all the children in due course. To be fair, our son is quite a sensitive soul, so perhaps that has some bearing on it. The girls are more like me (not quite as sensitive, believe me!)

CathA

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

The funeral service IMHO is more for those left than the person who has died, as a way of saying goodbye. Is it s purely cost that you are preferring to go down the direct cremation route, you never said.

Having had someone close who died and a funeral/thanksgiving service wasn't held I found it very difficult and wouldn't wish that on my own family when I go.

It's partly due to costs, as me and my husband feel that money is better spent on the living.

I appreciate you telling me how you felt. I'm not close minded about the effect that it may have on our family and friends, so that's something to reflect on. It's interesting to hear other people's perspective on it.

We would have some sort of occasion that friends and family could come to when the ashes would be scattered if they wanted to, but as yet we've not really thought about it, hence why the questions about how other people feel about it.

littleredhen

I wouldn't buy a funeral plan of any sort, I would put money in a savings account with instructions on what you want it spent on i.e funeral/cremation etc - if you find out how much it is going to cost then pop that money away and add it to your will - these companies are holding on to your money for what will hopefully be a long time and you are getting no benefit

CathA

t0rt0ise wrote: »

When my father died and had pre-arranged for his body to go to medical research, I was very aware that everyone's psychological needs were met, so we had a day when we, family only, got together and did something that reminded us of him.

I have suggested to my children that they have a direct cremation for me and mark my going with a family get together, probably with a pub lunch! It is important to the living that the passing of someone is marked but it doesn't have to include the body.

Yes, that's something we thought would be ideal, although friends would be welcome as well.

CathA

Dymphna60 wrote: »

I know this is getting slightly of topic . What about friends? When people say that they will arrange a small event for close family only that is I always think .
My father requested a private funeral his reason being that he had been ill for years and only a handful of people came to see him . If they wanted to say goodbye they should have said it when he was still alive . That seemed fair enough so we invited those people to the graveside and lunch .
But friends aren’t nothing. Imagine if your best friend died , you had shared 30 40 50 + years of life with them but told family only for funeral.
My late partner was very upset when his lifelong friend suddenly died . There was a funeral service led by a young relative who spoke at great length about what a fun ‘ uncle’ he had been. That was nice but it was as if he had been nothing else . No mention of the deep friendships he had ., the many weeping girlfriends he left behind
I know it is difficult when mourning but I think it pays to stop and think how would I feel if I didn’t get to say goodbye.

Again, all would be welcome to a later date when the ashes would be scattered. We just don't want an actual funeral service.