Direct cremations

CathA

lees80 wrote: »

I think what people say they want, and what actually ends up happening are often quite different. On the one hand the wishes of the deceased should be met, but realistically we as a society have been brought up with the whole funeral thing being perfectly normal and expected.

My grandfather used to say he didn't want people gawping at him in his box when he had gone, quite explicit about not wanting anyone moping around in a chapel of rest. The reality was he died sat in his armchair totally unexpectedly. Family didn't take it too well and all wanted to see him before the funeral. They did, and he didn't look very good at all (taking aside he was dead!) and the memories of that have stayed with them.
Been there, done that once, never again. When my mum died, I advised my sister not to go and see her, as it was as you said, the memories stayed with me from viewing the deceased relative that I'd seen previously. She still went, as did her daughters and they were really upset, said mum/grandma didn't look right, they'd done her hair wrong etc. They wished they hadn't done it.


We can all tell our families what we want, but we won't be there to do much about it when the time comes. I'd like to be cremated - whatever service surrounds that (or not) isn't an issue for me, just want family to say goodbye in a way that helps them move forward once I'm gone.

Yes, I agree, which is why we want to explore all options now, not have people wondering what we would have wanted, or any of the kids arguing about it.

CathA

lindens wrote: »

when my father went into care due to dementia, this was one of the things we planned and discussed. There was only a small number of people involved and we all agreed that funeral services are upsetting and expensive so we didnt have one.

When the crem appointment time came, we all sat quietly in our own space, which is what we wanted, and remembered him. It was obviously cheaper and we got an early morning slot which no-one wants as usually people are travelling in, so we didnt have to wait long for the slot either.

We plan to have a "remembrance afternoon tea" for other friends and family later

we wouldnt have done it if we weren't all in agreement, and after the event we agreed we had all made the right decision, for us.

That sounds very nice, thank you for that.

CathA

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I think people should have what they want. But it is hard on Family to have the grieving process taken away from them

My parents have chosen a direct cremation, where no one is notified - and outwardly I nodded and smiled.
We are planning on letting the family know when the cremation was happening, and will be discussing funerals etc beforehand with them.

But inwardly, I am extremely heartbroken about this. I know it is their choice, but I, and my siblings, would like the chance to show respects - when the time comes.

But there will be nothing. It will be like they never existed and Family will find out afterwards they had even passed away.
Must admit I don't like the sound of that. We have no intention of not telling them either of us has died, or the date and time of our cremation, just that we don't want a service

Honestly, I feel like it is a two fingers up to the people who would like to pay their respects and cared. No last chance to show how you cared for the deceased. They don't want that

A funeral is part of the grieving process, a chance for a last goodbye, in reality, the funeral is for the living - to help them process the fact they will never see their loved one again...and to

I know this won't be a popular opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone. I am just being honest

At the end of the day, it is their decision and the Family will just have to lump it. That seems pretty much to be the mindset

Heartbreaking for everyone else though

I feel that when they do die, this process will leave psychological scars for some of us. As it is not the normal expected way of things - people need time to naturally come to terms with things - not someone you loved all your life to just *puff* disappear.

Again, apologies if this upsets anyone - it is not my intention. I probably don't have the popular opinion on this anyway and I am sure everyone does not feel like this.

You haven't upset me; as I've said I'm interested in all opinions and experiences, as I've never had experience of a direct cremation, either from family or friends. All thoughts are welcome, it's sometimes difficult to see another opinion if you don't think of it yourself, so thank you.

pickledonionspaceraider

2e0arr wrote: »

Psychological scars LOL what about when does the share out start ?

I feel quite upset that a complete stranger on a forum would judge, ridicule and make assumptions about me, on such a heartbreaking topic.

Don't bother replying - I have blocked your user name.

pickledonionspaceraider

CathA wrote: »

You haven't upset me; as I've said I'm interested in all opinions and experiences, as I've never had experience of a direct cremation, either from family or friends. All thoughts are welcome, it's sometimes difficult to see another opinion if you don't think of it yourself, so thank you.

Thank you - I'm genuinely glad you didn't find it offensive at all.

I think whichever point of view you have, it is a heartbreaking choice to make whatever we decide

I genuinely wish you and yours, all the very best

2e0arr

Actually its not illegal to buried in your own garden or land. Or Derbyshire CC says when you get the paperwork cleared you can take the body to the local crem using your own transport (not a bus) and the crem will cremate it for you.

dirtmother

Direct cremation was the Plan B for my father if his body was not accepted by the medical school. (We have chosen for him to be cremated in due course without notification or us attending and to receive his ashes afterwards... might be another couple of years before that happens)

I think you have to reflect on what it is that you are actually wanting to avoid when you say 'no funeral'. The only real difference is that if you do have some sort of event, their uncremated body is not present. My father did say it was up to us but he hoped we'd have some sort of get together and *if* we did there was something he'd like us to sing (we had a bit of hooha making sure that happened)

We had a family gathering very soon afterwards which was just a fish and chip lunch, just people who were around (because some relatives had travelled hoping to see him before he died - they'd probably have had to leave again before a funeral anyway). And a memorial some months later. I very much appreciated having the luxury of time and complete flexibility as to venue etc and I think it did rather show in the quality of what we were able to put together, when we were not so physically exhausted (I am not saying it was 100% easy but the same issues would have been there if we'd been organising a conventionally timed funeral, and I think they might have caused irretrievable problems at a more raw time. One friend insisted that we'd have to engage a professional but we really didn't, might have had to if we'd been in a hurry).

I do know of people who have specified direct cremation and that there should be no event at all ever. I feel that should only be respected in the most extreme of circumstances (maybe if their wish is about a realisation that there isn't anyone who would be there for the right reasons) and in the situation I am thinking of, it was a bizarre unkindness to his widow and perhaps related to his denial that he was going to die.

Gers

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I think people should have what they want. But it is hard on Family to have the grieving process taken away from them

My parents have chosen a direct cremation, where no one is notified - and outwardly I nodded and smiled.

But inwardly, I am extremely heartbroken about this. I know it is their choice, but I, and my siblings, would like the chance to show respects - when the time comes.

But there will be nothing. It will be like they never existed and Family will find out afterwards they had even passed away.

Honestly, I feel like it is a two fingers up to the people who would like to pay their respects and cared. No last chance to show how you cared for the deceased. They don't want that

A funeral is part of the grieving process, a chance for a last goodbye, in reality, the funeral is for the living - to help them process the fact they will never see their loved one again...and to

I know this won't be a popular opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone. I am just being honest

At the end of the day, it is their decision and the Family will just have to lump it. That seems pretty much to be the mindset

Heartbreaking for everyone else though

I feel that when they do die, this process will leave psychological scars for some of us. As it is not the normal expected way of things - people need time to naturally come to terms with things - not someone you loved all your life to just *puff* disappear.

Again, apologies if this upsets anyone - it is not my intention. I probably don't have the popular opinion on this anyway and I am sure everyone does not feel like this.

It's sad that you feel this way, however 'each to their own' is being perfectly illustrated by your post.

My view is that a show of caring can be done in a much more positive manner before death, as can respect. An expensive ritual laden funeral / cremation is a public display of care and respect.

My father's cremation service was packed with people whom he'd never seen in years, no far flung travellers. He'd have appreciated much more a short visit or two, a card, a telephone call or something similar whilst he was alive.As it was, he was dead and oblivious to all this showing of care and respect.

My elderly and frail mother has requested a DC. As she rightly points out most of her peers have gone ahead. The majority of our families are 10,000 miles away and it's just not sensible to have them travel for a half hour 'goodbye'.

Your view is just as valid as anyone elses!

Flugelhorn

I arranged direct cremation when mother died, assorted reasons, kids far away, foul weather, couldn't get my act together to arrange a "normal " funeral. Cost was about £1300
Few weeks later we had a weekend service, interment of ashes, reception etc. Cost for that was about £800 (including extra for grave diggers at the weekend).
I am totally sure that certain relatives thought I did it all wrong but I and immediate family were happy with what we did and it felt it was a good memorial

Gers

Flugelhorn wrote: »

I am totally sure that certain relatives thought I did it all wrong but I and immediate family were happy with what we did and it felt it was a good memorial

Some of my cousins thought I was being disrespectful to my father by having a cardboard coffin - actually I was respecting his firmly held views about it. He told his brother the same thing so he could 'stand up for me' at the time although I was very dismissive of their views, especially as they hadn't seen him for years and had no idea of his wishes.

Relatives...:(