Direct cremations

CathA

My husband and I have decided that we don't want a funeral for a variety of reasons, and are planning to organise a pre-paid direct cremation plan soon. We have told our children, some seem ok, some seem a bit concerned.

If anyone has had one of these in their family, how did the family feel about it? i.e. did they feel they missed out/were upset that there wasn't a 'proper' send-off/glad? We have explained our reasons, but our eldest was a bit put out. (He's 30 odd, so not a young child)

If anyone has had one, what company did you use and roughly how much was it? With hindsight would you have had a 'normal' funeral/cremation? If so why?

I'm sorry to ask such awkward questions, but we've just had a death in the family and it's been a difficult time. We just want to make sensible decisions and having had a recent funeral it's sharpened our minds to getting on with this.

Thank you.

Dymphna60

I paid about £1200 a year and a half ago for a direct cremation. It was arranged through the coop. It wasn’t really chosen deliberately but I was finding it difficult to find a venue for a service that would accommodate a coffin so decided to ‘ split ‘ the funeral into cremation and service. This was for my partner.
I don’t think this is what you are thinking though . More no funeral at all just dead and gone ?
There may be circumstances that it works in but unless very unique circumstances I think it is rather cruel to deny those grieving the option of the opportunity to say goodbye .

CathA

Dymphna60 wrote: »

I paid about £1200 a year and a half ago for a direct cremation. It was arranged through the coop. It wasn’t really chosen deliberately but I was finding it difficult to find a venue for a service that would accommodate a coffin so decided to ‘ split ‘ the funeral into cremation and service. This was for my partner.
I don’t think this is what you are thinking though . More no funeral at all just dead and gone ?
There may be circumstances that it works in but unless very unique circumstances I think it is rather cruel to deny those grieving the option of the opportunity to say goodbye .

We don't mean dead and gone, wipe us off the face of the earth, job done, but perhaps a simple gathering of friends and family afterwards to dispose of the ashes, chat about us if they want to, no pressure. The family would know when the cremation was being done, they could have a quiet private moment to think about us without having the public 'funeral' bit.

swingaloo

CathA wrote: »

If anyone has had one, what company did you use and roughly how much was it? With hindsight would you have had a 'normal' funeral/cremation? If so why?

Thank you.

Im sorry, I know this is a serious thread but I had a little chuckle at the above. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but I very much hope that I don't get to consider hindsight after my funeral.

That said, Im really interested in the answers to this thread as Im going through the same considerings for myself and my husband at the moment. We are both quite set on the idea but wary of how family will feel.

CathA

swingaloo wrote: »

Im sorry, I know this is a serious thread but I had a little chuckle at the above. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but I very much hope that I don't get to consider hindsight after my funeral.

That said, Im really interested in the answers to this thread as Im going through the same considerings for myself and my husband at the moment. We are both quite set on the idea but wary of how family will feel.

Ha ha, yes, I meant did the FAMILY wish they'd organised a 'normal' funeral!! I've always said just dress me in my best jeans, bung me in a wooden crate and nail the lid on, job done! But I'm very pragmatic about it, after all I won't be there to worry.

Several of the children have said they think it's a great idea (all girls) but it was our son who looked a bit put out.

Savvy_Sue

It's definitely worth making your wishes known, but at least for the survivor, it's entirely possible that your family will decide to over-ride your wishes.

I know it's not the same thing, but for one of my relatives, the service was led entirely by the family: son 'led' - I'd say acted as MC! - and called siblings and grandchildren up to the front to do their 'bit', which was a collection of the person's favourite readings, anecdotes from the person's life. It was lovely, and very personal, and the only funeral I've been to not conducted by a professional of some kind. And then on to refreshments, of course.

Marcon

CathA wrote: »

Several of the children have said they think it's a great idea (all girls) but it was our son who looked a bit put out.

Talk to him again and find out more about what he really thinks, if he's willing to open up. He may just have been surprised that you could do this, having assumed that everyone 'has' to have a funeral.

There is of course nothing at all to stop you stipulating that you would like a small private funeral (close family only) with a 'thanksgiving for the life of...' at a later date, open to all.

You'll be dead when this happens; it is only the living who will still be able to feel emotions.

Ms_Chocaholic

The funeral service IMHO is more for those left than the person who has died, as a way of saying goodbye. Is it s purely cost that you are preferring to go down the direct cremation route, you never said.

Having had someone close who died and a funeral/thanksgiving service wasn't held I found it very difficult and wouldn't wish that on my own family when I go.

getmore4less

Been said(savvy_sue) but worth saying again.

You don't get to choose your own arrangements that is done by the living.

Executor can take control so you can influence through that choice if they get a chance.

The person that registers the death gets the death certificate which is needed, if they get started quickly can drive the arrangements by instructing funeral directors.

t0rt0ise

When my father died and had pre-arranged for his body to go to medical research, I was very aware that everyone's psychological needs were met, so we had a day when we, family only, got together and did something that reminded us of him.

I have suggested to my children that they have a direct cremation for me and mark my going with a family get together, probably with a pub lunch! It is important to the living that the passing of someone is marked but it doesn't have to include the body.

Dymphna60

I know this is getting slightly of topic . What about friends? When people say that they will arrange a small event for close family only that is I always think .
My father requested a private funeral his reason being that he had been ill for years and only a handful of people came to see him . If they wanted to say goodbye they should have said it when he was still alive . That seemed fair enough so we invited those people to the graveside and lunch .
But friends aren’t nothing. Imagine if your best friend died , you had shared 30 40 50 + years of life with them but told family only for funeral.
My late partner was very upset when his lifelong friend suddenly died . There was a funeral service led by a young relative who spoke at great length about what a fun ‘ uncle’ he had been. That was nice but it was as if he had been nothing else . No mention of the deep friendships he had ., the many weeping girlfriends he left behind
I know it is difficult when mourning but I think it pays to stop and think how would I feel if I didn’t get to say goodbye.