Buffy takes it 6 months at a time

stymied

Sorry you are feeling bleurgh. Glad you can talk openly on here. Are there any charities you could reach out to for respite? You are being a full time carer plus working full time. Are your siblings aware how bad it’s gotten? Painting the bathroom ceiling is hard 😂 I’m sure I would fall off the ladder or at least get paint everywhere. Massive kudos to you that that IS in your skill set!

badmemory

What will happen when you have painted that ceiling?  Will she say good job or say nothing OR gripe.  Have you not got enough to do?  This is what savings are for, pay someone to do it & avoid the agro.  Is your mother receiving attendance allowance, because if it is her (not pets) medication you are having to supervise then she should be.  This would pay for someone to come & give her the meds when you are back at work.  You cannot do everything!

Buffythedebtslayer

I think the biggest problem I have is that I can't get out, I mean there was one point a couple of weeks ago when I rung one of my best friends (on my walk) and I just blurted it all out and she was very kind and understanding, just as you all are. 
Are my siblings aware...........ermmmmmmmmmmm. No. 
I did go to my sister's to drop of something, told her I think mum might need carers if the inflammation in her hands comes back and I am back to work in person, although there is some relief from the steroids that isn't permanent. Her response was that we would play it by ear and see what happens. I thought ok. Then she asked mum to look after my BiL next week whilst she goes to an appointment. So she was pretty much placating me I think. Other sister - mum fakes wellness, even let her think she still cooks and cleans. I did contemplate writing to her and telling her this wasn't true. But honestly? I think she would think I was complaining and I was being ungrateful. And she would tell mum more than likely. - which I do understand. Mum doesn't want her to worry so is often less than upfront and so sister does like stuff out in the open. And really I have had YEARS of this type of thing (not caring for mum, only been doing that on and off since my bil got sick really,  as her health has been poor (depression = inactivity = ill-health) still that will be four years soon enough.....and I know I just need to sort things out myself, it was exactly the same as when my dad got sick. Eldest sister was some help but wasn't here long. 
Mum is obviously feeling well as she made me toast. amazing. Steroids are scary. Two weeks ago she could barely get out of bed, hold a cup etc. thing is she is weaned off them over the next two weeks so maybe incapable again just in time for the holidays! 
I do hate writing all this, as someone always pops up and says leave, but unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me at the moment. As damaging as this is, moving out would incur a lot of expense and I would never buy a place AND would still be here all the time doing what ever she needed as I can't just abandon her! such a banging headache today. feel awful actually. 

Buffythedebtslayer

crazy_cat_lady said:

Just wanted to send you some love Buffy. I know it's an entirely different situation but I have thanked whatever higher power there is every single day during lockdown that I'm no longer with my ex husband. Some people are just really hard work, and I'm afraid that your mum is one of them. I'm not surprised you're so stressed. I know I would be in the same situation.
Much love

I really am glad he has gone, It is exhausting having to constantly consider a person who for whatever reason just doesn't think about you at all. hopefully once I am out of the house I will better. 
 Nicnak said:

I don't think that post sounds self pitying. I think you deserve a medal doing everything you are doing. I would have lost my temper by now. 
I understand the negative influence thing and it does take its toll on you after a while. 
There's not even a way you can get out and have a coffee or anything. 
Big hugs Buffy x

I honestly think the negativity is the most difficult thing, all the programmes I like to watch are silly and pointless, the work I want to do is too much, too hard, too disruptive, no problem can be solved. don't make any plans, they never work out, everything is crap. Trying to overcome that is so hard I can't even begin to explain how much I need to hear someone say oo that sounds good or won't that be lovely. It is all an uphill battle. 

Buffythedebtslayer

badmemory said:

What will happen when you have painted that ceiling?  Will she say good job or say nothing OR gripe.  Have you not got enough to do?  This is what savings are for, pay someone to do it & avoid the agro.  Is your mother receiving attendance allowance, because if it is her (not pets) medication you are having to supervise then she should be.  This would pay for someone to come & give her the meds when you are back at work.  You cannot do everything!

That comment about the ceiling made me laugh!  she can't look up at the moment (arthritis in her neck) so she won't see it, she would more than likely say good but........always a but!! And yes it is her meds - I have also put reminders on Alexa. See how that works. I will broach carers again after Easter.  

Sun_Addict

Oh Buffy I’m sorry you feel so fed up. If it’s any consolation my days consist of get up, log on to work, walk the dog, feed the cat/dog/Mr SA, clean the house, cook, go to bed. Occasionally I get a bit of excitement and go to Tesco or Aldi. I’m desperate for someone normal to speak to other than at work meetings, I can’t have a decent conversation with Mr SA, he can’t help it, it’s his brain injury. 

It might be worthwhile looking at the Carers UK website for advice and information on your mum. 

Sending you big hugs 🤗 xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Sun_Addict said:

Oh Buffy I’m sorry you feel so fed up. If it’s any consolation my days consist of get up, log on to work, walk the dog, feed the cat/dog/Mr SA, clean the house, cook, go to bed. Occasionally I get a bit of excitement and go to Tesco or Aldi. I’m desperate for someone normal to speak to other than at work meetings, I can’t have a decent conversation with Mr SA, he can’t help it, it’s his brain injury. 

It might be worthwhile looking at the Carers UK website for advice and information on your mum. 

Sending you big hugs 🤗 xx

Thanks SA, I feel quite bad really as I haven't done this to this level for that long and am already somewhat.....not resentful. I would do anything for mum, I guess I am a little scared of what happens next. And really anyone who looks after others - that is what their life consists of, all our modern lives do. I think sometimes tho I would just like to stay in bed or have a bath or not eat dinner....or watch a disney film. But I guess we all want that! (well maybe not the Disney film!) 

Had to drop something at my sister's and she completely surprised me. She asked me how mum was doing, and took on aboard everything I said. Even asked if I thought Mum had dementia. I was stunned. 
Headache is so bad. might have to go to bed. Mum is quite bright tho that is good. 

Willowtree222

Buffythedebtslayer said:

crazy_cat_lady said:

Just wanted to send you some love Buffy. I know it's an entirely different situation but I have thanked whatever higher power there is every single day during lockdown that I'm no longer with my ex husband. Some people are just really hard work, and I'm afraid that your mum is one of them. I'm not surprised you're so stressed. I know I would be in the same situation.
Much love

I really am glad he has gone, It is exhausting having to constantly consider a person who for whatever reason just doesn't think about you at all. hopefully once I am out of the house I will better. 
 Nicnak said:

I don't think that post sounds self pitying. I think you deserve a medal doing everything you are doing. I would have lost my temper by now. 
I understand the negative influence thing and it does take its toll on you after a while. 
There's not even a way you can get out and have a coffee or anything. 
Big hugs Buffy x

I honestly think the negativity is the most difficult thing, all the programmes I like to watch are silly and pointless, the work I want to do is too much, too hard, too disruptive, no problem can be solved. don't make any plans, they never work out, everything is crap. Trying to overcome that is so hard I can't even begin to explain how much I need to hear someone say oo that sounds good or won't that be lovely. It is all an uphill battle. 

I do understand this. It's like it sucks all your positivity out and you just one day hope that a bit of good news would be met with something lovely. 
I think painting the bathroom ceiling is a lovely thing and it's going to look amazing. 
P.s I'm a huge Disney film fab! 

RosaBernicia

Buffy, you don't sound self pitying imo - just worn down. 

I get similar negativity from certain people but thank all the gods I don't live with them so they don't get to make my decisions, and I have boundaries on how often I speak to them plus fallback friends to ring and rant to when I do.  And I know it isn't meant to be unhelpful on their part but it is so wearing when Everything Will Go Wrong and are you sure you should do that, have you thought about this other thing that might go wrong?  Yes, thank you, I did this to minimise the risk and so I will be doing this anyway.  Ah well I suppose you will mumble grumble tale of woe and resentment about someone they barely know/ politics/ a relative they have ***ched about and failed to keep in contact with for years but somehow think should be calling them.  I have no idea how you manage this kind of stuff full time without imploding. 

Glad to hear your sister is listening and investigating carers sounds a good way of beginning that conversation and perhaps starting to negotiate some boundaries. 

Also, You are FABULOUS and Your ceiling painting skills are brilliant

RB xx

[Deleted User]

Oh Buffy I'm so sorry to read all of this.  It is so hard when you have a negative parent.  It's bad enough when you have one you don't live with, but when you live with them AND care for them AND do absolutely everything for them, it must just get you so down that there is no positivity.  Do your sisters recognise what you do/boost your self esteem at all?  I remember when I got a place in the London Marathon and my (very negative, pessimistic, critical) mother said "ooooh, I can't see you doing that".  Well, I bloody well showed her and did it on only 11 weeks training (due to illness and injury) and raised a !!!!!! ton of money for charity to boot.  If she can't see the ceiling why don't you paint a really rude picture up there - that would be very very funny indeed.