Back, determined to be debt free but ever so slightly depressed

Uniscots97

Thanks MM, I remember you from my first time around here. Wise words, I've had a friend say the same today and to tell me to lock up my jewellery (including what my Gran left me) in case he tries to pawn it

SusieT

Uniscots97 wrote: »

Thanks MM, I remember you from my first time around here. Wise words, I've had a friend say the same today and to tell me to lock up my jewellery (including what my Gran left me) in case he tries to pawn it

That could be a very sensible idea Its a shame safe deposit boxes are (for someone repaying debt) too expensive as that would otherwise be a good option. If at some point in the future he gets too controlling its also worth thinking about having important personal documents and photos possibly kept with your friend.

LemonadeBudget

Uniscots97 wrote: »

OH is the problem (sorry I need to vent), the house belongs to me, I pay all the bills and he's constantly asking me for money for fuel for his car, cigarettes, takeaways or wine/beer. Yesterday he asked me for a considerable amount of money (more than I spend on a week's shop) for fuel etc. I said no. So he asked if he could borrow a tenner so he could get to work. I said yes, so tonight he says can he borrow another tenner for cigarettes and I said no. I've just paid for LO's Christmas (he bought one thing at £15, I bought everything else) , paid for all food etc over Christmas and paid other bills including repairs for my car. He stormed off when I said no, he's made it feel like my fault! I feel like crying and sorry I had to vent. I am trying to get rid of the rest of my debt but I can't keep bailing OH out (he earns nearly as much as me). He's recently taken out an extremely large loan which was meant to consolidate his debts and pay me back some of what he owes me, he didn't calculate it right and he gave me 2/3 of what was agreed (and that wasn't the full amount. I also paid his car insurance this year which he's not paid back).

I really hope I don't offend here, but you are in a financially abusive relationship, I've been in one and this sort of thing is how it begins: bailing out on a large bill or in your case car insurance, not paying it back in full . . . Making every conversation about money a stressful one deliberately, consistently asking for £10, £15 etc all the while borrowing heavily from you and not contributing equally to the household while only earning slightly less than yourself?

This is so similar to the situation I was in that it is almost eerie (except I was renting rather than paying a mortgage and didn't have a LO), so I think that does bias my opinion but in my experience all that will happen is he will feel continually entitled to the level of help you're providing, all the while treating you with contempt / essentially throwing a childish tantrum when requests for the ad-hoc £10-£20 are denied.

You're not a bank, you're a person with your own problems, thoughts, feelings. The warning bells for me were when you said he has fallen out with your family and makes it difficult for you to see them? This is coercive and insidious. Under no circumstances let him stop you accessing your support network / your loved ones / your friends. This is paramount!

Again, I'm sorry if this offends - but you have to look after yourself and LO. He is a grown man and it is not your fault that he cannot manage his finances despite you bailing him out and paying his car insurance etc.

Uniscots97

Thanks SusieT and LemonadeBudget what you've both said makes sense.

Today was all about LO and getting you spend Christmas vouchers. But OH decided to spend £55 on a castle LO picked out. He put it on a credit card! So as not to upset LO I let him, so LO got to spend all Christmas vouchers and also got the castle (it was30% off). When we got back to my car (I'm happy to drive, besides which he took LO's car seat out about 6 months ago and the one for his car it's still in my garage) he asked for £10. He said he needed 'cash', and I was annoyed he was i) asking in front of LO and ii) asking again after being told no (he still thinks I can't get into my bank account after the banks systems being down.).

So all in all LO loved the morning and that's all that matters (if you're first there you get to open the store and get a free gift and be a VIP). OH is away to bed as he's working later so LO and I have got films on and generally having fun. I've saved the receipts from this morning and will upload them later.

LemonadeBudget

I'm so glad LO had a lovely time, hope you two enjoy your chill time with films x

Uniscots97

Tea was pasta with HM cheese sauce. OH did not eat his (said he wanted something else but I said that's what I've made (used some of the leftover Christmas cheese). So he then said have you managed to get a tenner for me?? I couldn't believe he'd asked me again when I told him earlier the answer was no.

Uniscots97

Well I didn't have a very productive evening yesterday I literally slouched in front of the tv! I'm back at work on Monday and I really cannot be bothered. I was off ill for nearly a week before Christmas and I've got lots to do. LO is back at school on Monday too. I should really get uniform sorted and my clothes (OH is sleeping as on nightshift so I can't get into my room) and it's one less thing to do tomorrow. LO's room is still a disaster zone with piles of toys, she got far too much for Christmas overall. The Christmas tree is still up but I need the boxes down from the loft. I use clear plastic storage boxes to store them as you can then see what's in the box.
LO and I have just had vegetable rice and leftover quiche for lunch. I also got some reduced items in Tesco (Christmas stock). Including some gluten free items for me.

So here's my to do list for today (if I write it down I might actually do it!):

1) do the dishes and put everything away
2) clear all the washing (I estimate 2 more loads, and try and get it dry)
3) polish LO's shoes for school
4) try and tidy away or iron the Mount Everest of clean clothes
5) tidy my work rucksack (it's full of papers etc I don't need)
6) wash LO's school jacket (meant to do it at the start of the holidays and forgot so need to do it today so it's dry)
7) clear out my handbag as it's getting heavier and heavier

Uniscots97

1) done
2) no more space to dry things. I still have a small load of red items and a small load of whites
3) done
4) partly done
5 and 7) still to do
6) done

monetxchange

Maybe you should get admin to move this to the diaries section so we can all follow your progress without it getting lost in the rest of posts here. I’ll definitely be following!

Well, like others have said, I don’t see what you’re getting out of your relationship. You don’t see eye to eye on the most important things like finances and you don’t even seem to like each other. It’s no way to live. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your LO is better off in a two parent home, when all they’ll see are two sad parents who don’t want to be together. Fingers crossed for you both getting some thinking time in the coming weeks as to how to go forward or not with this situation. Good luck.

TrushTush

I hope this isn’t out of line to say, but you appear to be in an abusive relationship.

It’s your life and your partner but honestly I would be remiss if I didn’t ask if you are okay?
The fact that you agree to hide valuables in case your partner steals them to pawn, tells a damning picture

(Not judging here, very much hand holding and sending love)