Marriage in my position

gomer

It's the bit about her being the one keen to marry that would worry me.

Flix21

Mojisola wrote: »

She would if she stayed in her own place - but she would have to be actively looking for work.

If she moved into Tpockle's house, she wouldn't be able to claim anything and would be entirely dependent on him for money.

This is what would worry me.
If her son has needed her care so much that she's been unable to work, how is he now able to move out and live with someone else?
Did she want to marry you before her son was moving out?
If you do get married, are you prepared to pay for her and possibly her son?
I know I could be completely wrong because i'm going off limited information, but to me it sounds like she only wants to get married for the financial security and then she can continue doing sweet fa while you provide for her.
Stick to your guns and tell her you don't want to get married again. If she keeps pushing it, ask her why she wants to get married and what difference would it make? Don't let her pull the "if you really loved me, you would marry me" bs because someone who really loves and cares for you would never push you into something you didn't want to do.
Her behaviour thereafter will give you your answer.

balabooberlies

You have posted this conundrum on these boards because something in your gut is niggling.

Please, please, please listen to your gut instinct. I have always regretted it when I have ignored mine.

If you love your daughters, and I am sure you do, at least listen to their concerns. They seem reasonable people as they have accepted their stepfather of 15 years. If they have an objection to your lady they may be seeing something that is glaring to them but not so obvious to you because you love her.

Do not let her force you into something that will be incredibly life altering. Marriage is not 'just a piece of paper' and if it is then it needs a helluvalot of more paper to rescind it.

Also, I do not think its a good idea to let her move in if she has not sorted out her situation. She needs to show responsibility for herself.

Encourage her to sort out debts with advice from MSE.

At the end of the day it is your decision but my gut feeling is that you have doubts big enough to warrant putting the brakes on.

Good luck

Ms_Chocaholic

You mention in later posts about arguments between you and your partner - are these around you marrying her or other issues?


From what you have posted, I agree with the other posters. I think your partner sees you as her moneypot for years to come and that's why she wants you to marry her. Also you describe her as a companion, she clearly is after something much more.

PuzzledDave

Tpockle wrote: »

until 2 years ago

Absurdly soon. Don't do it.

If she wants some security, maybe make some small provision in your will or perhaps a savings account in her name with enough for deposit and a couple of months rent on a nearby place.

Marriage... it's just ridiculous to even consider it at this stage.

badmemory

I would like to come into this from the opposite point of view. As in a woman who is seeing a man who wants her to move in with him. I cannot do it. I cannot face how much this may change me again as other relationships have. I cannot face the impact it may have on my son who has mental health issues & lives with me. Even living together once you are past a certain age becomes difficult, especially if you have lived alone for some years before. If some things are sending up red flags, then the red flags should win. Not for any other reason than "just because".


To add I do love him probably more than my first 2 husbands & yes he is paying for what they were like. Thankfully he really tries to understand & mostly does.

Ozzuk

Have you been honest with her from the start? I think that is the most important question. If you have been clear from day 1 that marriage is not on the cards then her pushing to get married, when you've been honest with her would be a clear indicator it isn't you she wants but the security. She has had plenty of time to accept that is your feelings - and if her feelings didn't match that she should have walked away.


If however you've dodged the question then she may be pushing you to show committment to her.


Whatever you do don't put the decision off by getting engaged, getting engaged isn't testing the waters, or seeing how you feel, its a committment which will send the wrong message if deep down you know this isn't what you want.


Sadly it does sound like she is after the security you offer, but we can only guess at that.

Morbier

The fact that you have to put this question on a public forum means you're not ready for marriage. I'm not trying to sound harsh, sorry if I do.

If you were really ready for another marriage and its consequences, then you'd know.

Keep things as they are, enjoy what you've got. Don't rock the boat because I think you'd regret it.

Hectors_House

Ozzuk wrote: »

Have you been honest with her from the start? I think that is the most important question. If you have been clear from day 1 that marriage is not on the cards then her pushing to get married, when you've been honest with her would be a clear indicator it isn't you she wants but the security. She has had plenty of time to accept that is your feelings - and if her feelings didn't match that she should have walked away.


If however you've dodged the question then she may be pushing you to show committment to her.


Whatever you do don't put the decision off by getting engaged, getting engaged isn't testing the waters, or seeing how you feel, its a committment which will send the wrong message if deep down you know this isn't what you want.


Sadly it does sound like she is after the security you offer, but we can only guess at that.

This is the best post I’ve seen on this thread.

pickledonionspaceraider

On the flip side, it may well be that, in her life - she has never had the opportunity to do something just for HER

She may have always wanted to get wed, and now the son is moving out, she sees it as 'her time'? Has she always wanted to get wed, OP?

I would be interested to know (out of noseyness) what her sons condition was - that has kept her as a carer for so long, and now he will be able to live independently. It seems one extreme to the other - with the potential if it goes wrong for him, that he need support once again from his Mother

I do not see why she doesn't plan to work. At age 59 I do not understand this, or how she is planning to support herself.

It is a bad idea to tell family all the ins and outs of arguments or disagreements, unless you want to turn them against your partner and create a bad situation or atmosphere

You do not have to Marry. Or if you chose to, you could do a will and leave your house in trust to your own children

I would have reservations about this, but she may not be the cruella de ville here, it sounds like the woman has not had much of a life