Marriage in my position

Tpockle

I am in my sixties. Divorced my wife 20 years ago and have never been with anyone in a serious relationship since, until 2 years ago I met someone and we have been together ever since.

My situation is that I own my own home and live in it alone. Mortgage has been paid off for around a decade. I am retired with a good amount of savings and good pension. I adore my partners companionship, however she does not own her own home, has debts, and has never worked, therefore she also has no pension. The reason for this is because she has spent the last 30 years as a carer for her son. However, her son has more independence now, is in a relationship and may eventually choose to move out. This would mean her current home won’t work for her financially.

She is keen for me to marry her. I never saw myself ever remarrying but it is becoming a major issue. I have always been very risk averse but I do not want to lose her or her companionship.

gettingtheresometime

The questions you have to ask yourself are

1. If her son wasn't moving out, do you honestly think she'd be pushing you to marry her?

2. Which is the least important to you - losing her companionship or (potentially) half your home/savings

3. Do you want to marry her?

oystercatcher

Good points above, also consider that son may move out but if it all goes wrong he may want to return back to Mum, could you cope with him too as most mothers will prioritise their child over partner.

Many couples maintain a relationship but separate homes. perhaps if son moves out she could just downsize home and you could still carry on as you were.

Only you know your partner but my experience is that those who live most of their lives in debt tend to carry on that way. If income increases then so does spending

Hectors_House

My partner is older than me (22 years), widowed and retired with his mortgage paid off and savings and a good pension.

Unlike your situation I have always worked and have good pension provision and my own home mortgage free.

We are not marrying simply because his marriage wasn’t a good one at times and he doesn’t want to marry again.

You have to weigh up the cost, to you of putting half of all you have (or more) on the line or What might happen if you don’t.

Is there a big age difference? Is she young enough to want children? Do you have children?

Don’t feel forced to marry if you think she will leave you if you don’t. That is no good basis for a marriage.

suki1964

If she was claiming carers allowance for caring for her son, she has a state pension


Do you actually love this woman? Or is it just companionship?

Just companionship than its a easy answer - keep the status quo

If you love her and see you wanting to spend the rest of your life with her, and that includes marriage , then go get some legal advice

NeilCr

Some good points so far

Also. How do you feel about, actually, living with someone again. I have been separated and living on my own for about the same time as you. I love my own space and would really struggle to share it again. My home is as I like it and I can come and go when I want. Fortunately, my partner has the same view as I do and we are living apart, together.

You'd have a lot of adjusting to do.

Humdinger1

Tpockle

I see it totally differently from the above commenters. You don't mention any children of your own, which would be a serious factor.

I'm on my second marriage. When we met, I was in a very difficult position. Separated from a husband with status anxiety who'd spend money to support an outer impression but who had no inner security or any real roots. My husband has 2 grown up daughters by his previous marriage, so we had to think about wills esp as I'm 9 years younger. I had no savings, no property and a precarious job; my now husband was the opposite.

The question is, will all your money and security as a single man make you happier than taking a theoretical risk and marrying, if you truly love each other? It doesn't sound to me as if your partner is in it for the money, but then I'm not on the spot. I also disagree that once a debtor, always a debtor. I'm self employed; 3 weeks before our wedding, 2 connected cos went bust on me. I paid back over 100k rather than go bust myself. I now have savings and am a part time volunteer debt coach.

The best things my second marriage have done for me are to allow me to be who I really am; and to know what true marriage is. I might be projecting here, but I think your girlfriend is probably in the same position. She just wants to marry you, not take your money.

Have you talked about motivations? In my view, given your worries, you'd have picked it up if she was just after your money.

Love is hard to find; if you're there, make the most of it. You'll benefit too by a rich emotional experience you could otherwise miss.

Standing by for updates

Humdinger

Tpockle

Thank you for your messages. I have two adult daughters from my first marriage, both of whom are married with young children of their own. The relationship has broken down between my daughters and my partner due to these issues we are having. They are firmly opposed to me marrying her. Their mother remarried however 15 years ago and they get along well with him, but he is in very different circumstances.

I do love her and don’t want to lose her but I have never felt there would be any reason for me marry anyone again. I do also have reservations about living with someone else as well. I feel completely stuck.

Debbie1980

Do your daughters now have this problem with your partner because they may think that she is keen to marry for financial reasons?
How old is your partner, is she likely to work again when her son moves out?

prowla

When my father remarried, years ago, I never expected a penny from him and never begrudged my stepmother for inheriting the house when he passed away.
Unfortunately, I wasn't established financially yet at the time, or I would gladly have given her money to help out.

Tpockle

Their issue is they think she is trying to railroad me into something I don’t want and because of the arguments. I probably shouldn’t have confided in them about the arguments but I find them so distressing. My partner is 59 and won’t work again if her son moves out.