Marriage in my position

Skiddaw1

In the final analysis, OP, I'm of the opinion that if anyone has doubts about marrying it's the wrong decision. End of.


(Sorry- cross posted with Silver Tabby who put it in a more succinct fashion...)

sheramber

If her son leaves home before she is of state pension age , and she would not work what will she live on?

Claiming UC would entail commitments to look for work.

FBaby

It's a difficult one because in her situation, it would be unlikely that she hasn't considered her future, and the need for security. You clearly come with that security she is probably getting quite desperate for.

Now she could be after security but have also totally fallen in love with you, and it would have been no different if she happened to be self-reliant, but....there is the 'what if', and the 'what it' can come with massive distress and heartache as one of our friends is now experiencing as the wife he married 6 years ago has now left him and is after half of all the money of his business which he built before he met her.

We all had doubts about her, it seemed very convenient and she was so desperate to get married. It corresponded to the time her youngest child had gone to Uni and she wasn't entitled to tax credits and the very large maintenance she was getting from her ex. She also had to put her house for sale and give her ex half. She certainly acted very lovingly towards him, but it didn't last and the last 5 years of the marriage was painful, with him desperate to save it, and her seeming desperate not to.

In the end, it's up to you whether you are prepared to take a chance, but don't fall for the 'not her, I can tell she loves me deeply and would never want to marry just for my money'.

Silvertabby

sheramber wrote: »

If her son leaves home before she is of state pension age , and she would not work what will she live on?

Claiming UC would entail commitments to look for work.

Would she even qualify for means tested benefits? If she moves in with OP, isn't it the household income that is taken into account?

mademoiselle_2

Tpockle -

Of course none of us know what is in your heart (or hers) - but I would say that the fact she has fallen out with your daughters - which must have affected how often they communicate with you - is a huge great RED FLAG.
These girls are your flesh and blood, who will look after you and care for you because you are their dad. If it were me, I would not allow someone who I only saw in their best light, for two years, to come between me and my children.
I suppose I don't need to mention that distancing someone from their family is also a classic manipulative move?
Your intuition sounds spot on! Tell her you don't wish to marry again. It's the truth, isn't it? And watch her reaction.

Hectors_House

NeilCr wrote: »

Some good points so far

Also. How do you feel about, actually, living with someone again. I have been separated and living on my own for about the same time as you. I love my own space and would really struggle to share it again. My home is as I like it and I can come and go when I want. Fortunately, my partner has the same view as I do and we are living apart, together.

You'd have a lot of adjusting to do.

You bring up a good point.

My partner had been widowed three years when we met and my work takes me away two weeks in four and that works for us.

Sometimes taking that next step to moving in together can sound the death knell for a relationship. I think the OP needs to consider these things before committing, unless he knows that he’s deeply in love.

Socajam

Tpockle wrote: »

Their issue is they think she is trying to railroad me into something I don’t want and because of the arguments. I probably shouldn’t have confided in them about the arguments but I find them so distressing. My partner is 59 and won’t work again if her son moves out.

This says it all for me.
At 59 never worked and never will for the rest of her life.
What does she think she will survive on.
Don't do it. Tell her that you want to live separately and check her facial reaction.
If you want to take her on vacation and pay for her, that is not a problem, but to marry and then be able claim part of what you have, most definitely not.
This is too risky and you have too much to lose, are you prepared for say 2 years down the road she wants a divorce and can claim a percentage of what you have.
Or the son after a couple of month may want to move in, will you be able to keep him apart from his mama?
If you are still undecided, read some of the posts on her about members who have to deal with the hell that is created by their ex claiming 50% of their hard earned money.

Mojisola

Silvertabby wrote: »

Would she even qualify for means tested benefits?

If she moves in with OP, isn't it the household income that is taken into account?

She would if she stayed in her own place - but she would have to be actively looking for work.

If she moved into Tpockle's house, she wouldn't be able to claim anything and would be entirely dependent on him for money.

kazwookie

Do not marry.

meer53

Listen to your daughters, if they have concerns then they are probably seeing something you can't. I'm with them.

I've been on my own for 18 years and don't think I could live with someone again, (maybe someone will come along to change my mind, maybe they won't !) but I would prefer to have a relationship with someone who is happy to live separately. I would worry about the financial side of your relationship, it's very one sided, why doesn't she work ? If her son is independent enough to consider moving out, surely she could get part time work ? I agree that it sounds as though she sees a future with you which means she can carry on as she is but without contributing anything financially. It obviously worries you, so I would say give it more time before you make any decisions. Don't let her railroad you into doing anything, your relationship with your daughters is more important.