Daughter wants to change her surname...

loftus

~evanesco~ wrote: »

Loftus -your flippant coment of 'what if she doesn't want to go to school', I believe I said I have boundaries and limits, one of those being, she must attend school I still haven't decided what to do, but the knowledge of how simple it will be is something that I definately asked for when posting this thread.

I'm sorry you think my reply flippant, but I happen to believe that the chance of an ongoing relationship with her father not being damaged at this stage when things are obviously a bit rocky is important too. Too important for decisions which may have fundamental effect on that relationship to be left in the hands of a 7 year old, however intelligent they may be.

Carmina_Piranha_3

why would it affect her relationship with her father? she wants the same surname as the rest of the people she shares a house with, surely a grown man can understand that without sulking?

loftus

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

why would it affect her relationship with her father? she wants the same surname as the rest of the people she shares a house with, surely a grown man can understand that without sulking?

If you can't see that her changing her name may have an effect on her father then there is really no point my explaining it to you.

loftus

I just want to make clear that I don't have any problem with your daughter wanting to change her name, but I do think that 7 is too young to leave that sort of decision to the child, and whilst there are contact problems with the father the timing of such a move is poor.
Is this really something that couldn't wait a little longer?
In the end I hope you reach a decision that is best for your daughter - whatever that may be.

~evanesco~

Lotus, I really don't think changing her surname will affect her relationship with her father since he really doesn't give a damn about her. What can be so important in his life that he just ceases contact, with no reason given at all. He asks me to tell her he's busy and he loves her, I do that. I've tried my hardest to ensure continued access, never blocked his right to see her, but if he is unwilling and unavailable, I don't see why I should bend over backwards for a man that cannot live up to his responsibilities. She will see when she is older that I did everything I could, while he did nothing, she'll make her own choices then about whether he played his part in raising her to best of his abilities. The change of name will be considered if it is in her best interests, which right now I think it is, she wants to feel a sense of belonging and if this is how she chooses to have a more affirmative identity within this family I'm fine with that. As has been pointed out any change of name can be reversed in the future should she so choose. He has given up his right for her to carry his name in my opinion, and this thread has helped me to see that a lot more clearly.

Strapped

~evanesco~ wrote: »

Lotus, I really don't think changing her surname will affect her relationship with her father since he really doesn't give a damn about her. What can be so important in his life that he just ceases contact, with no reason given at all. He asks me to tell her he's busy and he loves her, I do that. I've tried my hardest to ensure continued access, never blocked his right to see her, but if he is unwilling and unavailable, I don't see why I should bend over backwards for a man that cannot live up to his responsibilities. She will see when she is older that I did everything I could, while he did nothing, she'll make her own choices then about whether he played his part in raising her to best of his abilities. The change of name will be considered if it is in her best interests, which right now I think it is, she wants to feel a sense of belonging and if this is how she chooses to have a more affirmative identity within this family I'm fine with that. As has been pointed out any change of name can be reversed in the future should she so choose. He has given up his right for her to carry his name in my opinion, and this thread has helped me to see that a lot more clearly.

OK, I know that you seem to have made up your mind now, but just to say, none of this is for your ex's sake but for your daughter. Doing everything includes trying to encourage her relationship with her father, even if you consider him to be a selfish pr*ck - and THAT's something that I think she'll be grateful to you for in future.

belfastgirl23

~evanesco~ wrote: »

I don't see why I should bend over backwards for a man that cannot live up to his responsibilities.

Absolutely agree. But I think you're bending over backwards for your daughter rather than for him...

Is there anyone else in his family you could talk to about the contact issue? maybe things are awkward between him and your daughter at the minute and he doesn't know how to handle it if she is feeling angry with him? I know in one way it isn't your responsibility but I do still think it would be in her best interests...

good luck

~evanesco~

Thank you both, I know you're trying to help, but it is frustrating. I do want her to have a relationship with her father, as I have said I do try and encourage it, but right now I feel I'm hitting a brick wall. He claims he is busy has family problems of his own, which I understand, every family has rifts. I don't know, I'll text him this week. I can't contact his family since they all live miles away. Another thing is, my daughter can't stand his new wife, and his wife makes it all clear that she dislikes may daughter (resentment, jealousy on both parts I think). I've tried asking him to spend time on his own with her, or see if his wife and my daughter can build up some kind of relationship. I'm not a bad person, I know she should have a relationship with him, sometimes I wish he'd just move far away, instead of living in the same town, at least then there would seem a logical reason for not seeing her. In general they do have a really good relationship and she loves to spend time with him. I'm the one who has to wipe her tears and explain that he's busy. It winds me up, as I'm sure is pretty clear.

nej

Hmm, seems to me that changing it is best. Whether it affects the father or not, is essentially irrelevant. By changing it she will fit in with the rest of the family she lives with, which I think is more important than fitting in with someone she won't see so much.

My step-daughter has my surname. She'd feel quite left out and alienated living with me, my wife and her brother all with a different name to her, I'm sure. Her real dad calls her once every 2 weeks and sees her about twice a year. Not a problem - he just lives a long way away (Liverpool vs London) and his his own family. So it's far more appropriate she has mine. Plus, my wife got fed up with being addressed as Mrs xxxx, with people assuming her surname.

loftus

nej wrote: »

Hmm, seems to me that changing it is best. Whether it affects the father or not, is essentially irrelevant. By changing it she will fit in with the rest of the family she lives with, which I think is more important than fitting in with someone she won't see so much.

My step-daughter has my surname. She'd feel quite left out and alienated living with me, my wife and her brother all with a different name to her, I'm sure. Her real dad calls her once every 2 weeks and sees her about twice a year. Not a problem - he just lives a long way away (Liverpool vs London) and his his own family. So it's far more appropriate she has mine. Plus, my wife got fed up with being addressed as Mrs xxxx, with people assuming her surname.

But she isn't living in a family where all the others share the same surname.