Daughter wants to change her surname...

Ishtar

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old and when my mum remarried I wanted to take my step-father's name because I wanted to have the same name. I was 4 years old. There was a bit of a hoo-ha with my real dad so my mum saw a solicitor.

This was over 30 years ago, so things may have changed, but I didn't have to change my name by deed poll, it was enough to be 'known as'. My 'official' name was my birth name, but at the doctors, dentist, school, bank, etc, I was known by my 'new' name.

When I was due to get my National Insurance card, we contacted them and advised of the situation, they issued my card in my 'new' name. Same with my provisional driving licence.

My birth name was only used at a couple of key points in my life...on my marriage certificate it's given as my maiden name, and the same on my first passport application.

Perhaps it might be worth seeing how she feels over the next few months or so, it might be a flash in the pan, or she might genuinely want her name changed. Six weeks is a short time, but at 7 she sounds quite sure she knows what she wants. Also, if you go down the 'known as' route, she can change it back if she chooses - although that's not to say she can (or should) chop and change it easily!

D.

Ishtar

Double post, sorry!

nej

My step-daughter had her father's surname, but when I married my wife and she took my name, we asked her if she wanted to change, too. She was about the same age at the time.

We didn't need her dad's permission (no parental responsibility), we just got it done at a solicitors for about £25. Now for anything we need to provide ID for (schools, savings account etc) we send her birth certificate and that letter. No problems at all. Haven't done her passport yet, but will do that soon.

Zara33

~evanesco~ wrote: »

I have a 7yo girl. She has had no contact with her father for the last 6 weeks, and very little contact before that. This is partly her choice, but for the last 6 weeks it's been his choice, he claims he's busy. Anyway that's a whole other thread. She has her father's surname and has recently expressed her opinion that she would like to have mine instead. I haven't pushed this upon her or even suggested it, she's very intelligent and decided this herself. What I want to ask is, do I need his permission to change her surname and how would I go about it?

Sorry but i don't think any 7 year old is intelligent enough to understand this.

iceicebaby

My mother changed my name when I was about the same age as she got re married. I too didnt have much contact with my father She asked me if I wanted to and i agreed. Looking back I didnt understand what i was agreeing to and and to me it seemed like a novelty to have a different name to the one I was used to.

It is something I totally regret now and wish my mum had never suggested it or put the idea in my head.

I wouldn't change it, and wait till she is older and is able to legally make the change herself.

belfastgirl23

Sorry but don't think it's in your DDs best interests for her to change her name. It weakens an already fragile link with her father which I don't think is good for her (unless he is in some way dangerous or abusive). As someone who has divorced parents and has had a sort of difficult and distant link with my dad I do think your DD will be very grateful down the line if you do all you can to maintain and foster the link with her dad. Whilst my own mum never deliberately bad-mouthed my dad it was pretty clear to me that it was okay to act up against him and distance myself from him. She supported me in this (as she did in so many other things ) but I don't think it was good for me in the end up. I regret now not only not having had a proper relationship with him but also missing out on that side of the family entirely. And I know had my mum been more proactive in encouraging the relationship (despite her own problems with my dad) it would have been better for me in the end up. As it is I was fortunate that she didn't actively try to cut me off from him. I think you're verging on the latter at the minute and I'd just say, think how your daughter might feel twenty years down the line when she's having her first child and starts to rethink her own childhood. However imperfect her father is, he's still her father and she may well look back and blame you for not having given her better guidance as a child.

Sorry I know how hard it is when a relationship has broken down and I know it's easy to see all the bad things in an ex-partner. Just sharing my experiences...hope it doesn't offend.

~evanesco~

Strapped wrote: »

Correct.



Your daughter is 7 years old and in no position to make choices like this. You are the adult/parent; it's your job to make choices in her best interests, not your own.

Personally, I think the whole "known as" thing stinks too! :mad:

While I respect your opinion, I also think that she is free to make her own choices in her life, now seeing as this one won't affet her adversely, it is one I am willing to consider.

~evanesco~

cazziebo wrote: »

2 issues here! and I suspect it's about more than names...

Six weeks isn't a long time and I would say there are very few reasons a child shouldn't have a very strong relationship with both parents. Believe me, it is much easier later on if both parents are involved. Don't let this slip now. A seven year old should not be able to "choose" not to see a parent - all that does is let them see they can manipulate adults and control situations. It's not fair to the child. (Obviously unless there is danger involved).

I also believe that parents should not be able to "choose" when to see their child. And some parents need reminded of that. (After four missed visits I called my ex's secretary and told her to let him know I'd be in reception in an hour with the children and their suitcases - bluff but it worked).

Surnames aren't that important. Personally I didn't want us to have different names so I changed my children's names to mine (I had kept my maiden name). He saw the rationale - we were the ones living together, I was the one taking them to school, brownies etc.

Just be sure this isn't a reaction,and is thought out. I think it's difficult for dads on access. My daughters used to say they didn't want to go with their dad because it was "Deep sea world again and then McDonalds" but I didn't give them the option. They have a great relationship with him now. (Well as great as a parent can have with two hormonal teenagers - as he says, they despise us both equally! :rolleyes: )

As I clearly stated, the reason why my daughter isn't seeing her father are not the subject of this thread, it isn't her choice at the mintue, it's his. I will not force her to do anything against her will, how will she stand up for herself in this society if I force her to do things she doesn't want to do, not fair parenting, not in my opinion at least.

The surname thing is obviously important to her for her to even ask me in the first place. She wants to have the same surname as me, as she feels left out of our family, she has a different surname, while her step brother shares his mothers surname. (Just to avoid confusion, I am in a same sex relationship, we have a child each from former relationships.)

~evanesco~

Zara33 wrote: »

Sorry but i don't think any 7 year old is intelligent enough to understand this.

Fair point, expect she is an exceptional 7yo, more on par with a 10yo. She's is of very high intelligence and we have had many discussions on why she want's to do this.

~evanesco~

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Sorry but don't think it's in your DDs best interests for her to change her name. It weakens an already fragile link with her father which I don't think is good for her (unless he is in some way dangerous or abusive). As someone who has divorced parents and has had a sort of difficult and distant link with my dad I do think your DD will be very grateful down the line if you do all you can to maintain and foster the link with her dad. Whilst my own mum never deliberately bad-mouthed my dad it was pretty clear to me that it was okay to act up against him and distance myself from him. She supported me in this (as she did in so many other things ) but I don't think it was good for me in the end up. I regret now not only not having had a proper relationship with him but also missing out on that side of the family entirely. And I know had my mum been more proactive in encouraging the relationship (despite her own problems with my dad) it would have been better for me in the end up. As it is I was fortunate that she didn't actively try to cut me off from him. I think you're verging on the latter at the minute and I'd just say, think how your daughter might feel twenty years down the line when she's having her first child and starts to rethink her own childhood. However imperfect her father is, he's still her father and she may well look back and blame you for not having given her better guidance as a child.

Sorry I know how hard it is when a relationship has broken down and I know it's easy to see all the bad things in an ex-partner. Just sharing my experiences...hope it doesn't offend.

Thank you for your comments, it is extremely hard for me to keep trying to foster their relationship, something I have tried to do since we split, I have always made it clear to him he can hace access to her whenever he wants, I have insisted on 3 times a week etc, however, at any point has she decided she doesn't want to go, for any reason I haven't pushed her to go, like I have said I believe in giving her the opporunity to make her own choices.