"It's my turn to ask for perspective" update

Pollycat

justme111 wrote: »

Pollycat , it matters to me as I would not want to throw away a relationship I invested in due to being unreasonable about something. I would have to work on myself if I was as I do not want to end up alone because of whatever believes I have ; I think those believes would then be detrimental to my happiness and better be changed. "Be yourself" idea is all well but if being oneself is not very healthy (like unrealistic expectations about partner's qualities) one's life is going to be worse than it could have been.

re the bit in bold:
I thought you meant you'd just miscalculated the number of units he'd been drinking when you posted.
Not during his drinking spell that culminated in you ending the relationship.

justme111 wrote: »

Money maker , I am afraid I can not claim to be looking after myself - I have been smoking on and off for 27 years so I know how addiction works. (Last cigarette May last year, so happy I did not have to deal with having to stop when diagnosed as would be a nightmare). Late nights non organic food sweets stress - guilty of all and sometimes a lot.

Hmmmm.

So you were concerned about his health but you smoked for 27 years...:think:

Pollycat

Money_maker wrote: »

I've never had a problem with drink but would consider 11 glasses of wine a week to be way too many. Since when was that considered normal? So sorry about your diagnosis, OP, absolutely gutting when you've always tried to look after yourself and keep healthy. Hope you have family or friends to lean on now, time to put yourself first x

What is normal?

It's a 175ml glass (1/4 of a 70cl bottle) 3 times a week, 2 glasses 4 times a week.
It's classed as a 'medium glass', 'large' is 250ml.


As I said to the OP:

Pollycat wrote: »

If it's too much for you to accept, it's too much.

hazyjo

Pollycat, are you reading 'glasses' for 'units'?


PS taking it as 4 medium glasses in a bottle, 11 glasses is still 'only' just under 3 bottles a week. I wouldn't say that was horrendous. My ex used to get through several pints daily and often a bottle of wine after. BIL ain't much better and will easily get through that (not every night, mainly cos he works shifts).


Sorry to hear about your health issues x

justme111

Pollycat wrote: »

re the bit in bold:
I thought you meant you'd just miscalculated the number of units he'd been drinking when you posted.
Not during his drinking spell that culminated in you ending the relationship.


Hmmmm.

So you were concerned about his health but you smoked for 27 years...:think:

I have miscalculated for a while(a year that it stayed like that) , just recounted today after remark of another poster that quantity that I mind is not that high so I thought " hmm, indeed it is not ". Hence checking .
Re smoking - indeed. . I would not have issued an ultimatum though if I was still smoking ; I would have thought of it as an unloving thing to do . Although I would not necessarily be so surprised if a smoker minded a drinker or other way around .

Pollycat

hazyjo wrote: »

Pollycat, are you reading 'glasses' for 'units'?


PS taking it as 4 medium glasses in a bottle, 11 glasses is still 'only' just under 3 bottles a week. I wouldn't say that was horrendous. My used to get through several pints daily and often a bottle of wine after. BIL ain't much better and will easily get through that (not every night, mainly cos he works shifts).

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/alcoholic-drinks-units/what-is-an-alcohol-unit/

According to this website,they give the example of 6 x 175ml glasses of 13% wine = 14 units (so 2.33333 unit per glass).

So 11 glasses of 165ml = 25.63 units per week.


So - no, I don't think I'm reading 'glasses for units'.


I guess a very light drinker would view 'only' 3 bottles per week as excessive, whilst someone who goes to the pub after work for a couple of pints and then shares a bottle of wine with his/her partner during dinner and has a late evening 'snifter' would see it as pretty light.


So I don't believe there is a 'normal'.

Fire_Fox

Pollycat wrote: »

TBH, I don't think 25 units per week is that bad.
It's 11 glasses of wine per week or 1-and-a-half pints of beer per day.

I know the advice is 14 units so it's less than double the guidelines.
And IIRC, the advice for men used to be 21 units.

But if it was unacceptable to you, that's your choice.
I guess behaviour 'in drink' may have something to do with it.

Balderdash!

Our (UK public) frighteningly flexible approach to 'healthy' eating and 'healthy' living is what is killing us 50+: slowly, via pain and disability. Normal diet + normal activity levels + normal weight + normal drinking = epidemic of lifestyle disease.

Eat, drink and be merry by all means. But make informed choices, please, all of you. Be honest with yourselves and each other. :beer:

Obesity rivals smoking as cause of cancer, UK charity warns (2019)

New tough alcohol guidelines not scaremongering, says Chief Medical Officer (2016)

Apologies for two articles from the same newspaper. Selected as both are light on editorial and heavy on quotes from the experts.

justme111

Pollycat , let's substitute "normal" for "not detrimental /sign of addiction " then because arguing there is no norm is a get out jail card for people who clearly harming themselves and their relationships. Physiologically there must be a quantity of alcohol which causes long term damage to liver, weight , blood vessels, addiction etc. We are talking about humans here and although we are all different in some way we all need oxygen to live and all have pretty strict biochemical parameters for life to be possible. Anything beyond that is not compatible with life , that's what I mean by "normal" or "not normal".
So if recommended intake is 14 units max then there are nuances about details of it and grey area around it but double of it on a long term basis despite many people having it can not be classed as "normal" let alone treble or if there are signs of someone not being a functioning member of society due to addiction.

Comms69

I regularly have a bottle of wine a day, just for perspective

Pollycat

justme111 wrote: »

Pollycat , let's substitute "normal" for "not detrimental /sign of addiction " then because arguing there is no norm is a get out jail card for people who clearly harming themselves and their relationships. Physiologically there must be a quantity of alcohol which causes long term damage to liver, weight , blood vessels, addiction etc. We are talking about humans here and although we are all different in some way we all need oxygen to live and all have pretty strict biochemical parameters for life to be possible. Anything beyond that is not compatible with life , that's what I mean by "normal" or "not normal".
So if recommended intake is 14 units max then there are nuances about details of it and grey area around it but double of it on a long term basis despite many people having it can not be classed as "normal" let alone treble or if there are signs of someone not being a functioning member of society due to addiction.

I used the term 'normal' in response to the poster below:

Money_maker wrote: »

I've never had a problem with drink but would consider 11 glasses of wine a week to be way too many. Since when was that considered normal? So sorry about your diagnosis, OP, absolutely gutting when you've always tried to look after yourself and keep healthy. Hope you have family or friends to lean on now, time to put yourself first x

Malthusian

justme111 wrote: »

Physiologically there must be a quantity of alcohol which causes long term damage to liver, weight , blood vessels, addiction etc.

There is indeed.

But it's well above the quantity at which your behaviour will change and your drinking starts to upset someone. Either because they don't like the way you behave while drunk, or they view being drunk as a bad thing (i.e. having "glazed eyes" is enough to upset them). So it isn't really important.

You didn't like him drinking and the level of drinking you were prepared to put up with was lower than the level of continuous sobriety he was prepared to put up with. That's one of those things we call "irreconcilable differences". Alcoholism and alcohol abuse don't really come into it.

The doctors behind the "safe drinking" guidelines admitted years ago they were plucked out of thin air. There is such a thing as too much alcohol but it's got nothing to do with 21 units or 14 units or 0 units; it depends on your own body, state of health and tolerance for poison. If you think somebody drinks too much then either they will drink less purely to make you happy or they won't, they aren't going to do it because of meaningless guidelines.