"It's my turn to ask for perspective" update

justme111

Can not post in original thread I created as it is locked due to being old. Felt I better put the dot in this story and let people know that we split up. I eventually issued ultimatum "either you do something about your drinking or we are no longer together and you move out" so the now ex partner moving out.

Pollycat

Original thread for reference:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5495541/my-turn-to-ask-for-perspective

Sorry it didn't work out, it sounded like he'd worked on reducing his drinking.

Hope your health issues are better.

justme111

He did. Then he stopped at certain level ( about 25 units/week) which in my opinion was way too high and nothing budged him from that.
Re health issues - you will not believe it. The issues from 2016 are sorted completely but now 3 weeks after the final talk and moving out decision I had diagnosis of a stage 4 cancer. How ironic it is that his drinking is unacceptable to me due to effects it has on his health and it is me who keeps having major health issues..

Pollycat

TBH, I don't think 25 units per week is that bad.
It's 11 glasses of wine per week or 1-and-a-half pints of beer per day.

I know the advice is 14 units so it's less than double the guidelines.
And IIRC, the advice for men used to be 21 units.

But if it was unacceptable to you, that's your choice.
I guess behaviour 'in drink' may have something to do with it.

Sorry to hear about your latest diagnosis.

onomatopoeia99

justme111 wrote: »

He did. Then he stopped at certain level ( about 25 units/week) which in my opinion was way too high and nothing budged him from that.

Less than two pints of low strength beer / day is "way too high"?

justme111

Have I miscalculated units? Hmm. Well, he was drinking 4 days a week without fail for the last year. Usually one day of 2 pints and 3 days of 3-4 pints.
Despite being diagnosed with high blood pressure ( after a session of a particularly heavy drinking kn a night out with a blackout) and having a push from doctors to change life style so as not to go on medication. Despite severe teeth erosion that is bound to cause catastrophic failure of a few teeth at some point ( not noticeable now as they have veneers on them so it happens behind until the veneer and the tooth remnant breaks down)
Behaviour after drinking - normal , peaceful. In his own world. I got to know and hate that "glazed" look though.
Edited to correct - sure , I miscalculated units. One would think that on the topic of so much contention I would be accurate , eh.. Just looked at the bottle - 3.3 units in a bottle as opposed to 2 as I thought. It gives 13x3.3 =42 units/week. Consistently.

oystercatcher

I wouldn't be happy with someone drinking at that level so it's not just you OP.

So sorry about your diagnosis, really hoping things work out OK for you .

Pollycat

justme111 wrote: »

Have I miscalculated units? Hmm. Well, he was drinking 4 days a week without fail for the last year. Usually one day of 2 pints and 3 days of 3-4 pints.
Despite being diagnosed with high blood pressure ( after a session of a particularly heavy drinking kn a night out with a blackout) and having a push from doctors to change life style so as not to go on medication. Despite severe teeth erosion that is bound to cause catastrophic failure of a few teeth at some point ( not noticeable now as they have veneers on them so it happens behind until the veneer and the tooth remnant breaks down)
Behaviour after drinking - normal , peaceful. In his own world. I got to know and hate that "glazed" look though.
Edited to correct - sure , I miscalculated units. One would think that on the topic of so much contention I would be accurate , eh.. Just looked at the bottle - 3.3 units in a bottle as opposed to 2 as I thought. It gives 13x3.3 =42 units/week. Consistently.

It doesn't really matter whether you miscalculated or not.
If it's too much for you to accept, it's too much.

Mojisola

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Less than two pints of low strength beer / day is "way too high"?

Probably not for a person who doesn't have problems with alcohol.

For someone who has had problems in the past cutting down and keeping to the reduced levels, it is too much. There's a good reason why alcoholics who are serious about beating the addiction don't drink at all.

Money_maker

I've never had a problem with drink but would consider 11 glasses of wine a week to be way too many. Since when was that considered normal? So sorry about your diagnosis, OP, absolutely gutting when you've always tried to look after yourself and keep healthy. Hope you have family or friends to lean on now, time to put yourself first x

justme111

Pollycat , it matters to me as I would not want to throw away a relationship I invested in due to being unreasonable about something. I would have to work on myself if I was as I do not want to end up alone because of whatever believes I have ; I think those believes would then be detrimental to my happiness and better be changed. "Be yourself" idea is all well but if being oneself is not very healthy (like unrealistic expectations about partner's qualities) one's life is going to be worse than it could have been.
Money maker , I am afraid I can not claim to be looking after myself - I have been smoking on and off for 27 years so I know how addiction works. (Last cigarette May last year, so happy I did not have to deal with having to stop when diagnosed as would be a nightmare). Late nights non organic food sweets stress - guilty of all and sometimes a lot.