Aspergers/ASD support thread

Savvy_Sue

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My son eventually decided not to go down the formal diagnosis route, which I personally think is a mistake, but he's 27 and it's his decision.

From what you've said about your son, SDW, it would be a bit of a double edged sword for him, wouldn't it? On the one hand, a disability friendly employer might be more willing to consider him because it all adds to their disability friendly stats, but equally he may then get sidelined into 'jobs we consider suitable for disabled people'.

And your son is doing very well in the niche he's found. Mine will do well in his chosen field - computing is full of people a bit like him!

As for the comment about his gf - :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

And Ted, I know exactly what you mean! So, not upset at all. Have just seen PN's posted again and want to dash off a quick reply to him as well.

Savvy_Sue

PasturesNew wrote: »

I don't want to be labelled "disabled".

FWIW, I wouldn't ever describe my son as 'disabled'. He's different. He's not even not normal - for him (and thousands like him!) it's perfectly normal, it's just the rest of us aren't in step with him.

Having said that, I can quite see that one could feel 'dis-abled' or disempowered by the struggle to 'conform'.

Actually, I'm the one who sometimes felt disabled - having told a few people that my son does not love me, cannot love me, lacks the necessary wiring in his brain for 'love', it's hard not to feel that I've done something wrong. And it's very frustrating to have them say "I'm sure he does love you really." No, he really doesn't, not in any conventional warm fuzzy sense. Now he's a student, he appreciates the benefits of home life. He appreciates the fact that we run him to and from Uni at the beginning and end of term. I think he even appreciates the fact that there is this warm fuzzy thing called love which I feel for him. But HE does not 'do' love, and as a young child he did not - could not - love me.

I'm not saying there's no hope of him finding a gf and living happily ever after. He's now quite socialised, has friends, can tolerate doing things he doesn't see the point of (like family celebrations). But it would have to be a very special kind of girl to cope with him. (Mind you they said that about DH!)

PasturesNew wrote: »

So I can then box it up and deal with it once it has a name.

Despite what I said above, having a 'name' for his funny little ways is very helpful to me. And the timing couldn't have been better: I was worried sick about how he would cope with moving and changing schools, and at least I could phone his new school and say "The school doctor thinks he has AS" rather than "I'm really worried about whether he'll be able to make friends". The first one gets attention, the second screams "Neurotic mother!"

PasturesNew wrote: »

without realising it wasn't "me" at fault but AS being present. Nobody would spot that I have AS at all, unless they were very clued up! Because I can hide it.

OK, all together now, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Stop hiding it, be proud! You're in a significant and important minority, and very good company!

PasturesNew wrote: »

Being diagnosed won't change much in my life, except I can then target my weaknesses more specifically to build them up, knowing that it isn't "me". I've spent most of my life not doing anything because of feelings of inadequacy. So a diagnosis will just let me be able to say: Right, it wasn't YOU, it was this thing, which means we now have a target to aim at.

Look, even without a formal diagnosis you can say "This is me, I'm now going to be myself, not who everyone wants me to be." It doesn't mean you're not polite any more, but you stop pretending you love going to parties / clubbing / following the footie etc.

time I was in bed ...

PasturesNew

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Mine will do well in his chosen field - computing is full of people a bit like him!

LOL... that's what I do.
Spent the last 20+ years in IT. I love it, except those bits where you have to deal with people who are anxious/stressed or need to be negotiated with. I don't "do" negotiating. I am a plain speaker and I get anxious if they're making me think away from the correct and logical path I'd gone there to follow ...

I try to stay "back office" analysing and planning. A perfect fit.
Not to mention a perfect job done, above and beyond the call of duty due to my meticulous attention to detail, perfect understanding of logic and obsession with knowing it's all perfect before I hand it over.

Savvy_Sue

See, what a strength that is! make sure your managers are aware of it ... "I don't 'do' negotiations. I don't say what people want to hear. I won't make them 'feel' better. OTOH, I will do the job I set out to do ... perfectly ..." :rotfl:

You can have the reputation of being a grumpy old man but if you deliver, that won't matter. I quite like grumpy old men ...

PasturesNew

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

See, what a strength that is! make sure your managers are aware of it ... "I don't 'do' negotiations. I don't say what people want to hear. I won't make them 'feel' better. OTOH, I will do the job I set out to do ... perfectly ..." :rotfl:

You can have the reputation of being a grumpy old man but if you deliver, that won't matter. I quite like grumpy old men ...

I am now a project manager ... and if you read about projects you'll hear most projects are delivered late and over budget.... ah ... but they've not had ME run them.

Firstly, I do say "NO" in a project - something most people are too scared to do.
Secondly, if I don't see it fitting together, I ask questions until I see how it all fits together - because usually it doesn't and I don't let it drop.

So my "not one of you" skills enables me to question and to say "NO" to people. And to tell them when a spade is really a shovel and we need a spade or it won't happen. As I am used to feeling an outsider, it's no skin off my nose if I think people don't like me. I don't even worry about that any more (certainly something I learnt not to worry about many years ago). And from my openness and honesty I get a lot of support in my job and respect. People don't like "yes" men.

Oh ... and talking of men. I am a female. So I would be a Grumpy Old Woman

PasturesNew

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

make sure your managers are aware of it

I am not "working" at the moment. Just doing a bit of temping filling in as I just completely relocated myself hundreds of miles away. On a whim. So while I settled down a bit I've gone temping.

But I came here to look for work in IT/PM ... er, I'll do that next week.

I am a loner (of course). And it's only 2.20am ... so I'll be up hours. I've never slept well either. Tending to sleep for about 1.5 hours, three times a night randomly. I have to be up at 7am for work.

I am hoping one day to sleep well, but I have to get up regularly to think. I think a lot. Lots of planning thoughts all the time. My mind is active 24/7. So I have to think. A lot.

It'd be nice not to think for a while. I am hoping this will fix itself when I have settled a bit. As far as I am aware, the not sleeping thing isn't part of AS, it's just the way it's always been for me. Thoughts, plans, lists, scenarios playing through my head all the time. And counting. LOTS of counting. And spreadsheeting ANYTHING I can find. Listing/counting/tracking things.

But cheery thoughts, which is nice.

Unfortunately, I also "suffer" from an IQ of 163 (formally sat the Mensa tests some years back under exam conditions, twice), not an internet test.

SallyUK

A child who has mild Aspergers Syndrome and who has gone on to successfully find a full time job?

My reason for asking is because the time has come for my son to find himself some work experience - (long story - but he's in Year 10 at High School and the form tutor told them that they had to find themselves some work experience by 28th Sept! Two weeks to find something! - needless to say these kids have never had to do this before and I have written to the teacher asking her to explain what sort of help and guidance is available - but as yet no reply. It seems to me that they've just been left to it. I've spoken to someone who organises work experience at the local hospital and he tells me that at age 14, he's got no chance and that most places don't take them on until they're at least age 15?!

My son is only midly affected whereby it mainly affects his socialisation and communication skills - being that he's painfully shy until he knows someone. He doesn't seem to be struggling academically as he's in Set 1 for most of his subjects.

But what's going to happen when he has to go out into the big bad world?

I can just imagine some employer taking one look at him and thinking "What a sour looking kid" - (his expressions make him look like he's grumpy all the time) but in actual fact he's got a marvellous sense of humour and once he does get to know someone is really friendly - it's just his shyness intially that he'll have to overcome.

I'm just concerned about this and wondered if anyone else had a son or daughter who had to face this challenge and if they had done it successfully?

Sal ( a worried mother!)

seven-day-weekend

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

From what you've said about your son, SDW, it would be a bit of a double edged sword for him, wouldn't it? On the one hand, a disability friendly employer might be more willing to consider him because it all adds to their disability friendly stats, but equally he may then get sidelined into 'jobs we consider suitable for disabled people'.

And your son is doing very well in the niche he's found. Mine will do well in his chosen field - computing is full of people a bit like him!

As for the comment about his gf - :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

And Ted, I know exactly what you mean! So, not upset at all. Have just seen PN's posted again and want to dash off a quick reply to him as well.

Yes Sue, I tbink all things being equal he's probably right. He's learned how to live with it, knows what he finds difficult and what he is good at. He enjoys working in retail work (especially on the tills). As he says it is 'bite-size chunks'; he doesn't have to organise and prioritise. He also likes working on mending computrs as he can just test one thing after another until he finds the component that's failed; then he can fix it.

We are delighted he has got together with his girlfriend. He's actually known her for some time, but she was going out with his friend. He has always liked her, but waited until it was long over with his friend before he made his move. She loves toy soldiers, x-box games, and is just as disorganised as he is, but in different ways. In the couple of months they have been together they have helped each other with their respective weaknesses and make a good team. I hope and pray that it lasts. She is only 20, so I hope she doesn't change her mind!

Thanks for all the support you have always shown to me.

And to the OP, do what you have to do and I hope it works out for you. Keep us posted if you can!

seven-day-weekend

By the way OP, the people I know with AS are good people who are truthful, loyal and wouldn't do you a bad turn. NICE people. So don't you worry - there are plenty of people around who admire those qualities.

Savvy_Sue

So, PN, where have you relocated to? Having mistaken your gender (for which I apologise) maybe I should introduce you to the friend who said "I'm one of those!" :rotfl: