Aspergers/ASD support thread

shazrobo

hi bm, (((hugs))), i think we all have weeks that are worse than others.
i have done the same as you in the past, and taken mine along to things, and then they have been disruptive, and i too have felt embarrassed for their behaviour, nowadays as they are getting older, i try to avoid conflict at any cost, as i cant pick them up, like i used to when they where little. i have a friend who tells me i am wrong and i should make the decisions, and not the kids , at the end of the day, i guess we can only do what feels best at the time.
hoping you and ryan have a better week next week

shaz x

blue_monkey_2

Thanks hun. Yes, I guess you are right. It is so hard because everyone feels that they should be telling you what to do when they would not dream of speaking that way to other people about their kids and telling them what they 'should' be doing. I guess I am going to have to get used to that. This is the first social situation he has really faced other than school and the local soft play (where he always does something to one child or another!!) I do something think that people think they can change him but I know leaving him to cry would have ended up in him lashing out at the other kids.

I said to the teacher look, if he gets upset he'll lash out and it is not fair on the other kids, she said 'don't worry about that' and I said 'what with all of those parents watching' and she said 'it'll be fine'. But I know that I'd be really cross if another child attacked my child unprovoked so I guess I did what I thought was right at that time.

There is another mum there who goes to the same support group as I do and I suppose I was a bit miffed that she avoided all eye contact instead of being supportive. Just made me feel a little sad that she chose not to even look at me and offer a smile to reassure me when she could see how upset and difficult he was being.

Mandles

Hugs from here too. From the outside looking onto your situation i would say keep taking him. If he is like mine you never know what he will be like until he is there. For instance mine went to party last week(you could see the mum was dying inside but trying to be kind and wanted to include him). Anyway, he went and he was 99% normal! He interacted well with the others and played normally and nicely...i felt such a faker. Then 2 days later at playgroup he was 100% horrendous, under the table , telling everyone to shut up continually, hitting and running around like a headless chicken continually and refusing to do anything he was told. But i know he will have more great days.

They sound like they want to keep him going. I think that i would have taken mine home at the crying point as if he is like mine it is downhill from there. I Personally would say that if he gets like that again that i would take him home and try again the next week and continue like that but that is just me and i am often wrong. Or maybe take him for a walk around the block for a bit of distraction and then come back (might be too cold or a stupid idea!).

Maybe the other mum was having an off day or maybe was not looking as it could have been taken the wrong way if she had(like "arn't you going to do anything with him?"). I think you did well taking him , i dread taking mine anywhere so you are doing better than me!

Savvy_Sue

blue_monkey wrote: »

Do we all have 'weeks' like this where it is worse than usual? Do your kids refuse to do stuff like this as well even if it is something they enjoy? Should I bne embarrasses? Make him stay?

In short: yes, yes, not exactly, don't know.

In long: yes, we all have weeks which are worse than usual. Maybe you will work out why, maybe you won't.

Yes, sometimes they refuse to do stuff even if they enjoy it deep down. It's not for anyone else to say whether you did right or wrong to make him go when he said he didn't want to, or to say whether you should do so again if he's clearly not in the right space. As you say, you did what you thought was right at the time, it might have worked like a charm, on this occasion it didn't. You'll only know for sure if you do it a few more times, and I really hope you don't have to make that choice!

As for being embarrassed, I can't see the value in deciding whether you should have been embarrassed or not. Fact is, you felt embarrassed, and many of us would have done so too. It's what you do with your embarrassment that counts, IMO. If you're going to let embarrassment keep you and the children indoors for fear of future embarrassment, that's a worry. Hold your head high and get out there, if you decide that's the best thing to do. It's not you throwing the tantrum, is it? It's not that you don't care, is it?

As for how long to persevere in these situations, there probably isn't always one right answer. If it's affecting other children, that would probably tend to move me towards NOT persevering, IYSWIM. If it's escalating, I'd tend to get out. But if it started horrendous and seemed to be calming down, I'd try to stay.

Don't know if that helps at all.

blue_monkey_2

Thanks everyone. That has set my mind at rest a little. It has helped settle things going around.

Something else happened tonight in that I got a call form the Gymnastics Club and there has been 2 openings in the 'big' group for them. Well, I have put DD into the group and she is absolutely excited, but Ryan is NOT going to be happy as he wants to go to the big group and not the one for babies (as he says)/ So, deep breath in.... I have sent an email asking to move him to the bigger class and we shall see what happens.

I am off to bed now but I wanted to thank you for your messages. It has been a long day. I think the hard days/weeks always make you feel that it'll never end but I know deep down that once he has rid of this he should be back to 'normal'. Yes, some days I feel like a faker too but there are days like today where I just feel that everyone is watching me and that everyone is judging. I sometimes feel like I need a t-shirt explaining so that peole do not judge him for being a 'naughty boy'.

Thank you again. x

mandy.h_2

all i can say is wel done for coping, you will continue to have days like this but as your ds gets older your coping skills will get better and believe me from experience my ds is now 15 the embarresment factor soon wares of and you start to respond to the stares, comments or advice by saying you dont know him so dont judge i find it works well. as for tshirts with it printed not sure if you can get these but you definatley can by cards witha statement printed on to give to people. we have just invested in these for ds for when he is out with friends and could get in trouble,

Mandles

By the way, do yours say bad things all the time? My little one is not allowed to say shut up as i have told him off but i think i should have just ignored it as he will say shut up all day long for no reason. Like he has said it now about 20 times while i have just written this, it is constant! What do you do? Do they stop this?
We have all started ignoring it which drives him equally as mad and he just continues on.

parapusher

blue_monkey wrote: »

I sometimes feel like I need a t-shirt explaining so that peole do not judge him for being a 'naughty boy'.

Thank you again. x

You can sometimes buy tshirts on Ebay, I used to sell badges and iron-on patches that said " I have Autism please have patience with me", but I haven't made any lately, so this isn't an advert . Some people sell ones that say "I'm not naughty, I'm autistic", but I don't like those as it imply's that Autistic children are never naughty - and like all children, they can be! Now my son is older (19 but non-verbal), he hates the word Autism, so I have made him a badge that says "If my behaviour causes you any concern, please phone " and put my mobile on. I get him to wear it in shopping centres, where he sometimes wanders off to the tv/music section, while I look at other 'boring' stuff.

Hope this helps

Savvy_Sue

Mandles wrote: »

By the way, do yours say bad things all the time? My little one is not allowed to say shut up as i have told him off but i think i should have just ignored it as he will say shut up all day long for no reason. Like he has said it now about 20 times while i have just written this, it is constant! What do you do? Do they stop this?
We have all started ignoring it which drives him equally as mad and he just continues on.

I can only say what worked for me: ignoring things didn't. I don't remember how old yours is, but from a young age I found myself telling DS1 in no uncertain terms, at great length, and with an extensive but non-swearing vocabulary that his behaviour or language was unacceptable, not what we did in this house, not what nice children did, not what he was going to be allowed to do, and ask him to cease, desist and stop NOW!

In short, my verbal flow would drown his ...

Another thing I found useful was to sing if I didn't like noises they were making. They would all beg me to stop, although I actually have a pretty good voice. I would stop if they stopped. And start again if they started again. DS1 always hated music: the week that Radio 4 went on strike was a very long one, because my next 'home' was Radio 3 and he couldn't stand it.

I don't know if that will help at all.

Sarahsaver

i just watched one of ds's heroes on telly - heston blumenthal.
he is a culinary genuis

my 9 year old son who enjoys cooking and can tell the difference between different types of chillies is 'a bit weird'

its all a matter of perception