Aspergers/ASD support thread

justontime

I don't know if this will help anyone, but my son really struggles when we have to have important conversations e.g. about feelings, problems etc. I think it is partly because he dislikes being looked at. His teachers manage it by standing or sitting at the side of him so that they are not actually looking at him, but this doesn't work at home as he just storms out of the room. When he was younger I could sit him on my knee so that he was looking a way from me but I could still hang on to him, but he grew out of that. Now I find the best way to have such conversations is when he is in the car seated directly behind the drivers seat while I am driving. It doesn't always work but I it may help some people.

Savvy_Sue

Which reminds me to say to you, fallen angel, I don't know if it will do any good, but more important than making sure your DD doesn't say something in appropriate might be (trying to) make her realise that she won't get long with John Barrowman, there will be LOTS of other people there wanting to chat to him. I'd suggest telling her that it wouldn't be fair for her to have longer than anyone else, but I remember at that age DS1 had a highly developed sense of INjustice: if his brothers had a friend to play, to make it fair he needed to have TWO friends to play. Plus she'd probably time how long everyone else had and it certainly wouldn't be fair if she had 10 seconds less than the person 16 in front of her in the queue ...

Echo that about the theatre: FIL was booking tickets and was asked if he had a disability, so he said he used hearing aids and they gave him two for one, with MIL as his 'carer'. But it will vary from one place to another (although I forgot to ask about that when I was booking tickets for us all!)

Savvy_Sue

justontime wrote: »

I don't know if this will help anyone, but my son really struggles when we have to have important conversations e.g. about feelings, problems etc. I think it is partly because he dislikes being looked at. His teachers manage it by standing or sitting at the side of him so that they are not actually looking at him, but this doesn't work at home as he just storms out of the room. When he was younger I could sit him on my knee so that he was looking a way from me but I could still hang on to him, but he grew out of that. Now I find the best way to have such conversations is when he is in the car seated directly behind the drivers seat while I am driving. It doesn't always work but I it may help some people.

They do say that in the car is the best place for teenagers to talk to their parents generally. That's where DS2 started the "I have a lump in my testicles" conversation. :eek: (We got it checked out, it was fine.)

The other 'good' time is meant to be while doing the washing up together, but that doesn't work so well in this age of dishwashers.

I find with DS1 that talking about how he feels about things is pretty much a waste of time. He does not 'do' emotions. He has occasionally admitted to stress, but only when there's a uni deadline within a week and he hasn't started something which needed a term's work!

Greenqueen_2

Is there any help available at university for AS people? My son wants to go but I suspect thats because his school expects all their students to go. I worry because he does not go into shops, does not "do" public transport and his diet is so restricted that being in catered halls is a non starter. He has actually got some offers and an interview lined up, (heaven help the interviewer)! Should we declare he has AS?

fallen_angel_69

dd2 is adament that she has to have a photo of her with him,i really hpoe he'll do this for her as i don't want to her have a screaming fit in front of everyone.Mind you she'll just shout your mean selfish horrible and i hate you at him she always tells me that when she doesn't get her own way trouble is i now start laughing at her then say well i still love you it doesn't really calm her down it just shows she can call me all she likes and i still would love her

fallen_angel_69

green queen i dont know if there is any extra help at uni my dd1 is going to colege in sept and they will give her extra support there.I went with her to the interview she went in first and spoke to them and she then said can mymum talk to you because i have asd they were quite happy to talk to me and talked through the extra help she would be able to have

PasturesNew

justontime wrote: »

... he dislikes being looked at. His teachers manage it by standing or sitting at the side of him so that they are not actually looking at him, but this doesn't work at home as he just storms out of the room.

I don't like being looked at. One early memory was of not wanting to ever get married because everybody would look at me. those were words I used at the time.

I don't like being in any situation where I think I could be looked at, even in supermarkets I pretty much have to be the only person in an aisle. And if I am trying to shop in other shops if I feel the shop assistant is looking at me I have to leave.

justontime

PasturesNew wrote: »

I don't like being in any situation where I think I could be looked at, even in supermarkets I pretty much have to be the only person in an aisle. And if I am trying to shop in other shops if I feel the shop assistant is looking at me I have to leave.

Do you have any strategies to overcome the issues about being looked at? My son often accuses me of looking at him when I am not looking at him at all. He also has problems making eye contact with other people especially if he is expepected to talk to people as well, but he seems to have a strategy to look past people rather than at them. These don't seem to be things that I can do much to help him with.

MyUserNamesTaken

Greenqueen wrote: »

Is there any help available at university for AS people? My son wants to go but I suspect thats because his school expects all their students to go. I worry because he does not go into shops, does not "do" public transport and his diet is so restricted that being in catered halls is a non starter. He has actually got some offers and an interview lined up, (heaven help the interviewer)! Should we declare he has AS?

As far as I can remember, all universities have help available for disabled students. You should definitely declare your son's AS. If you don't declare it, he won't get any help at all.

Savvy_Sue

Agree with My etc. Before DS1 went, he put on his UCAS form that he had mild AS, and Southampton invited him to go and talk to their Student Support Services when he went to an Open Day or an interview, can't remember which. He went to Warwick instead, and their SSS contacted him before he arrived: he delegated talking to them to me.

I explained that he'd needed no help at school, apart from extra time in exams, and that he only tended to use that in 'touchy feely' subjects like English. Couldn't see that special equipment was going to get him anywhere, and we agreed that all they would do was alert his personal tutor to his AS, so that IF problems arose the tutor was aware and might think to refer him back to SSS.

First two years have been fine - but bear in mind his AS is MILD and unless he told you, you probably wouldn't realise. Well, you lot might ...

I was very concerned he would not cope in halls (non-catered) because his room opened straight onto the dining bit of the kitchen, so it was going to be busy and noisy, plus he'd gone for halls very near the Students Union (because they were the cheapest! :money:)

Anyway, he propped his door open, left his juggling equipment in plain view, and had friends in no time!

He likes his food 'plain' but has expanded his dietary tolerance: he will now eat pizza, more vegetables than I could ever get him to eat (including onions! if they're small enough!) and mildly 'hot' food. Especially if it's free. :money:

He came home at Christmas saying that he now had a mentor, but SSS needed him to get a Disabled Students Grant to pay for that. Did we have any evidence for his AS to send to the LEA? All we could find was the letter written by the school doctor when he was 12 which said he showed signs of AS which would need further investigation. I've explained before that we never had that. And not surprisingly the LEA want something a little more recent and conclusive than that.

Anyway, we tried tracking down anything the school might have had (must have had!) for him to have the extra time, but it's left that he will pay for an assessment, and that will be refunded when he gets this DSG. I'm a bit worried he might not 'pass' the assessment, but we'll cross that bridge at the time.

He needs a mentor, apparently, to keep him on track with his project, which forms a large part of this year's work (he's on a four year course now). A nagging mum 100 miles away doesn't quite 'work', it seems. Plus he has to do two modules which he really doesn't want to do, can't see the point of etc etc etc, (business and marketing - he won't accept that even if he programs computers for the rest of his life a basic understanding of these two WILL be useful!) I don't know if he's serious, but on me he's tried the line "I have AS, I can't do these things, they won't make me."

Now, two things may happen, greenqueen. Either your DS will continue not to 'do' public transport, shops, or 'funny food', or it will dawn on him that if he's going to Uni, part of the deal is doing 'new' stuff. He could of course stay at home and go to Uni, although that might involve commuting. Self-catering halls are an option, but he'd need to check he could either get food delivered or part of his support package might be giving a shopping list to someone else! I'm sure it's not just academic needs that are covered.

However, first thing is to get him to the interview. Surely the school will have mentioned his AS? There are questions on the UCAS form where you can declare any disability, did he mention it there? Will he talk to you about what he put? (I was fortunate in that DS1 did let me read his personal statement, and 'remind' him of things he could say! He didn't want to say them all because "that's not important", but even he could see it was a bit on the short side!)

It does get more and more difficult once they're 18, of course. I could phone the Uni's SSS and try talking to them along the lines of 'what if he doesn't score high enough on the assessment?', but I don't think they have to talk to me ... and as DS1 has coped so far I try to let him carry on. However your son's school should be more forthcoming about what they said about his AS on your son's UCAS form, I think.