Grandparents want to take my son out of school for week next year

jbkmum

My son and I are moving into a new property in two weeks, my ex has moved in with a friend. He was the primary carergiver for 3 months whilst I lived with a friend.

I'm moving 20 miles away from the town that my son has grown up in (he is now 8) which is sad and regrettable but unfortunately we have to do it so I am closer to work. I offered for my ex to come with us, to live in the spare room whilst he found somewhere to live but he didn't want to leave his job which is fair enough. So we're plodding through this, we're doing okay however....his mother hates me. She's been accusing me of taking our son from his father, that his father didn't do enough to fight for him and that I am not capable of being a parent. I had some issues with anxiety for a few years but since leaving my ex I am a lot happier.

Last night she demanded to FaceTime my son, even though she knew my mother was in the house helping me pack and she proceeded to ask my son whether he missed her and whether he couldn't wait for the next three weeks to be over so he could see her. She knows that my son is spending the next three weeks at my mums whilst I pack and move house, her choice of words was very manipulative.

She then proceeded to ask to speak to me, and then said "We're taking xxxxx away for a week in September, we'll pay the fine". She was smirking whilst she said it as she knows I hate being put on the spot and she knows I would say no.

I know parents take their child out of school and pay the fine because it still works out cheaper but it completely put my back up and so I want to say no, sod off. But I don't know if I'm having this reaction purely because I can't stand the ruddy woman. Because if his Dad asked, I might say yes.

For me, school is really important and I hate the idea of him missing any. Am I right to be annoyed or was it an acceptable request ([STRIKE]demand[/STRIKE]) despite how it was asked of me?

Mojisola

jbkmum wrote: »

She then proceeded to ask to speak to me, and then said "We're taking xxxxx away for a week in September, we'll pay the fine". She was smirking whilst she said it as she knows I hate being put on the spot and she knows I would say no.

For me, school is really important and I hate the idea of him missing any. Am I right to be annoyed or was it an acceptable request ([STRIKE]demand[/STRIKE]) despite how it was asked of me?

No, it isn't reasonable.

You don't have to let him go. I would also let the school know that the grandparents are trying to do this in case they turn up at school to collect him.

Perhaps offer half-term week as being more suitable for a holiday?

rach_k

Tell them no. School is important, and it's important that your child knows that you think it is. It's also important that your child knows that his parents make decisions about when he goes on holiday!

September is a really bad time too - I remember missing the first week of school once in around Y3 - it was horrible as when I went back, everybody else had settled into the new class and I had no idea what was going on.

I'd tell her that she can take your son on holiday during the October half term or another school holiday of your choice. He gets a holiday, she gets the pleasure of his company and won't have to pay a fine, no school is missed and, if you would normally have to arrange it, you won't have to pay for a week of childcare in the holidays. Everybody wins!

Sea_Shell

At 8 years old, your going to have a hard time convincing him that your not just "bad mummy" for not letting him go on this holiday, as they are bound to get his hopes up and get him all excited about it. Even if they are the ones making promises they can't keep!!!

Stick to your guns, but be prepared for the fallout.

kathrynha

September is the worst month to take a child out of school, as it's a new year.
Even back before the fines schools requested not September holidays.


I don't agree with taking kids out of school unnecessarily, but if you need to then just before a holiday is the best academically, although not great socially due to end of term events.

Mojisola

jbkmum wrote: »

Last night she demanded to FaceTime my son, even though she knew my mother was in the house helping me pack and she proceeded to ask my son whether he missed her and whether he couldn't wait for the next three weeks to be over so he could see her. She knows that my son is spending the next three weeks at my mums whilst I pack and move house, her choice of words was very manipulative.

Sea_Shell wrote: »

At 8 years old, your going to have a hard time convincing him that your not just "bad mummy" for not letting him go on this holiday, as they are bound to get his hopes up and get him all excited about it. Even if they are the ones making promises they can't keep!!!

It sounds as if granny is going to be manipulative generally - jbkmum will definitely have to set boundaries and be firm about contact.

There is no need to give in to demands - just say if the time isn't right.

I can understand the ex's mother being concerned that they will lose contact with their grandson but, by being too forceful, she risks the very thing she is worried about.

Jackmydad

Sounds more like a power play by the grandparents than just being to do with a holiday.
Tell them he's not being taken out of school for a holiday.
End of discussion.
Plenty of other suitable times during school hols.

conradmum

I would say no, not only because it's a bad idea to take your son out of school in September, but because your MIL is being controlling. With people like that it's best to set bounderies early and firmly or you will be in for endless fights and stress later on. Remember that 'no' is a full reply. You don't need to justify or explain.
Also, be very careful of how she behaves with your son and what she tells him. She's going to try to manipulate his feelings about you and you need to put a cap on that too. Regarding this holiday she's probably going to make you appear to be the bad parent by not allowing him to go on this fun trip. If she starts that nonsense I would tell her that if she tries to turn your son against you she won't be allowed to see him.

motorguy

jbkmum wrote: »

My son and I are moving into a new property in two weeks, my ex has moved in with a friend. He was the primary carergiver for 3 months whilst I lived with a friend.

I'm moving 20 miles away from the town that my son has grown up in (he is now 8) which is sad and regrettable but unfortunately we have to do it so I am closer to work. I offered for my ex to come with us, to live in the spare room whilst he found somewhere to live but he didn't want to leave his job which is fair enough. So we're plodding through this, we're doing okay however....his mother hates me. She's been accusing me of taking our son from his father, that his father didn't do enough to fight for him and that I am not capable of being a parent. I had some issues with anxiety for a few years but since leaving my ex I am a lot happier.

Last night she demanded to FaceTime my son, even though she knew my mother was in the house helping me pack and she proceeded to ask my son whether he missed her and whether he couldn't wait for the next three weeks to be over so he could see her. She knows that my son is spending the next three weeks at my mums whilst I pack and move house, her choice of words was very manipulative.

She then proceeded to ask to speak to me, and then said "We're taking xxxxx away for a week in September, we'll pay the fine". She was smirking whilst she said it as she knows I hate being put on the spot and she knows I would say no.

I know parents take their child out of school and pay the fine because it still works out cheaper but it completely put my back up and so I want to say no, sod off. But I don't know if I'm having this reaction purely because I can't stand the ruddy woman. Because if his Dad asked, I might say yes.

For me, school is really important and I hate the idea of him missing any. Am I right to be annoyed or was it an acceptable request ([STRIKE]demand[/STRIKE]) despite how it was asked of me?

Demanded how? Did she ring? The answer next time she does it is 'Sorry, no. Now doesnt suit. Lets do tomorrow night @ 19:00" or whenever is most convenient to you. She has absolutely no right to demand time at short notice.

RE: the holiday. Absolutely no. She needs to be told this NOW. If she thinks she is taking the child based on the initial conversation, then you need to ring her back and TELL her no, its not happening. You dont need to give a reason. Also tell her you are happy to consider the child spending extended time with her but this needs to be AGREED in advance, not dictated.

She needs put back in her box or you will be having a lifetime of pain with her.

motorguy

conradmum wrote: »

I would say no, not only because it's a bad idea to take your son out of school in September, but because your MIL is being controlling. With people like that it's best to set bounderies early and firmly or you will be in for endless fights and stress later on. Remember that 'no' is a full reply. You don't need to justify or explain.
Also, be very careful of how she behaves with your son and what she tells him. She's going to try to manipulate his feelings about you and you need to put a cap on that too. Regarding this holiday she's probably going to make you appear to be the bad parent by not allowing him to go on this fun trip. If she starts that nonsense I would tell her that if she tries to turn your son against you she won't be allowed to see him.

+1

Totally agree with this. If she tries to play the "fun holiday" card with the child, explain to him that holidays during school time arent allowed.

And yes, if there is ANY evidence that she is trying to manipulate the childs feelings then dont allow unsupervised contact.

She really really MUST get a clear message NOW that she has no rights to DEMAND access.

Silvertabby

As motorguy says. Plus (although correct me if I'm wrong) the school fine would be on you, as you would have allowed the grandparents to take your child out of school.

Also sounds like your ex needs to grow a pair.