Debt, debt and more debt.

Suffolk_lass

[Deleted User] said:

Had a right day. Took DD to the Walk in Centre. Think she has a kidney infection. Sat there for what seemed like hours with a woman behind me dragging a two year old around the waiting room whilst he screamed. Nobody said a thing.  I turned around and said to her 'do you want me to just have him?'. She started being nicer to him after that. I told the Dr that I was concerned about his treatment. My children used to make my head pop when they were having a tantrum but I can't ever remember getting to the point where I would or wanted to hurt them. 
I made a mistake yesterday and need somebody to give me some perspective. I have nobody to talk to about it. I was talking to my friend and she asked if I had heard from my Ex. I told her no but he has a new girlfriend. She said 'Oh, who is she? Show me a picture'. 
Foolishly I unblocked him on FB and found her. She has two/three young children, pleasant enough. Gushes about my ex on her posts. They both have each other listed as in a relationship with the other (all very immature if you ask me).
I have no problem with her, no jealousy, longing etc but I feel cheated. Most of my financial situation is down to him. He told me he was bored, I bored him, I was boring. As far as I can see he has attached himself to another family. Is that not going to be boring? How does he get to go and live his life whilst I deal with the fallout from his behaviour. I've even been landed with his dog whilst he lives a carefree existence. Somebody please give me a reality check on this. 

My perspective on this is:

• He was a liability to you, financially and emotionally
• You are still grieving - not for him so much as what you wanted that relationship to be
• The relationship was toxic, and making you ill
• He will keep repeating that pattern, but even if he doesn't, you had to leave it behind you
• Relationships fail. Sometimes it is the combination of people in them, not because there is something wrong with one of them (conversely, the behaviour you described was poisonous and designed to upset and damage you)

In conclusion, you are well off out of it and don't dwell on what might have been - look forward, be positive, learn to be happy again

Primrose

Yes, initially I can understand you feel "cheated". But you know your ex well enough to know that further down the line his same behaviours will all be repeated in exactly the same way with how new girlfriend and family because he seems incapable of change and growing up.
So you are ahead in the "recovery game" and should be grateful for that.  This is obviously a painful process but you have learnt many lessons along the way whixh will serve you in good stead for the future.
Reblock him again on Facebook and in future encourage your friends not to mention him so that they can help you to "move forward" rather than raking up the ashes of the past.  Your own memory will doubtless do this of its own accord from time to time;  you don,t need friends aiding this process.

You have moved on a lot Emma and are gradually  finding yourself in a hard earned better place.  Just put this incident down to a glitch.  The new girlfriend is travelling a few miles behind you on the same route  and no doubt will hit the same potholes in due course. 

 As for the dog, try and decide for good whether you and your family want to keep it or not and if not, find a good home for it.  At the moment the poor animal seems to be receiving the same treatment at your family!s hands as you received from your ex.  If your acceptance  of it doesn,t feel unconditional please bite the bullet and give it the chance of a new home where it is truly wanted rather than being half resented because of its previous history. .  You obviously feel some resentment about having inherited it.  Perhaps not having it there would help you shake off the memories of the past and move on ?  A hard one to resolve I know,, and your children will have a view too, but perhaps it's another issue from your past which still seems  seems to be "bugging" you and preventing you from moving forward?

Naomim

I feel your friend was quite insensitive asking to see pictures and you have admitted being a people pleaser, should have told her you're not interested and not unblocked him.

I agree with @Primrose about the dog situation.

Queen_of_the_Hive

Hi @[Deleted User], just a thought on the dog situation, would you consider finding a local family to help with the walks? I know a couple of friends where I live who can't have dogs for various reasons and they walk dogs. I think they use 'borrow my doggy' website.  

AntoMac

@[Deleted User], That was certainly a bit thoughtless of your friend, asking about your Ex. 

Also, I’m sure you know it’s not for your Mum to decide what to say regarding your wedding invite. Surely much better to tell it how it is. There is no shame in being separated. Sounds like your Mum trying to control you again. 

One thing about your diary is that it’s full of ups and downs. Whilst things not great right now you will have more good times for sure. I think it would be good for you if you could really talk to someone, maybe more counselling - not sure how feasible that is.
Keep going. We’re all with you and on your side 

Suffolk_lass

We walk two people's dogs where we are - one is a single parent health worker and it just worked out that he struggled with timing on one day a week and the other belongs to a lady with Parkinsons - her Jack Russell is a bit portly now and needs a longer walk than she can manage. We have a cat or we would have a (probably) rescue dog ourselves

dawnybabes

Your mum really is insane, who actually cares that you’re single ? She sounds like hyacinth Bouquet ! In fact the more family know the better, they might be able to support you more. 

AntoMac

Well done Emma that sounds like really positive steps (no pun intended!) Interestingly I had what sounds like a very similar experience with a running partner. I kept asking him to run on ahead and leave me behind, but he wouldn’t. He kept supporting me until I got from 4 or 5 stops on our 5 mile run home to no stops.  Then we moved on to 7/8/9 mile runs. I called him the drill sergeant but it did my running and my confidence the world of good. Hopefully this lady will do similar for you.

Primrose

Good to see you in a positive frame of mind Emma.  It does prove that if we can get through the negative patches we all hit, better times usually follow.  Well done on another £200 towards clearing your debts.  Meanwhile your Ex with his fancy meal at the restaurant has just probably loaded another pile onto his !

Queen_of_the_Hive

Hi @[Deleted User] - Family can say the best things and the worst things! I had the brunt end of this at my bro's wedding a few years ago. At that point me and the Ex H had already decided we were parting ways and I was waiting for the tenancy to be finalised on what would become my new home and still my parents sat me down and it was mental stoning. At that point in my life I was so low and I just wanted the world to swallow me up. I nearly walked away from my family for what they did but slowly got through it all and now its ok. I have had my struggles with it all but keeping one foot in front of the other and I am with you on the exercise - it is the best medicine. I don't run, but take myself out on walks. I really hope your mum does now leave you alone on this front but family being family you never know. 

Your progress on debt repaying is fantastic 29k is a lot less scary than 45k, I guess keep doing what your doing. I was inspired to look at ebay again after catching up on your diary. I really need to get my son some shorts - his were 2 years too small for him and I have decided instead of buying new I will get 2nd from ebay instead - good for the environment and better for my pocket too so thanks for that