Change of name - reaction of parents

trailingspouse

Would just like some independent perspective on this, as my parents' (well, mother's) reaction has taken me by surprise.


At birth my name was 'Trailing A'
Following my first marriage, I became 'Trailing B-C' (it was a hyphenated surname)
When we split up/got divorced I dropped the hyphen and became 'Trailing C'
Following my second marriage I became 'Trailing D'


My second husband and I have recently separated, and I have no wish to keep his name. I have changed my name by Deed Poll to 'Trailing E'.



E was previously my middle name, and is a family surname.


I expected my parents to be a bit surprised. But my mother is actually angry about it. She thinks I should have gone back to my maiden name, Trailing A. I did think about doing this, but as I was quite young when I married the first time, the person that I remember with that name isn't the person I am now. Whereas my middle name has been with me all of my life, through thick and thin. I also simply prefer it as a name.



She tells me that my father is angry too - although he's never said anything to me about it.



I can't decide if she's more angry with me - or with him for not 'sticking up for the family name'. She says I've insulted them. I tried to point out that the name I've chosen is a family name too (in fact it's her family name) - but it makes no difference. Bizarrely, she'd have been happier if I'd kept the name of the man who left me!!


So - the deed is done now, my name is changed. But does my mother have a point? And moving forward, how can I help her to see that it was never intended as an insult to anyone but is simply my choice?

Mojisola

trailingspouse wrote: »

At birth my name was 'Trailing A'

I have changed my name by Deed Poll to 'Trailing E'.

E was previously my middle name, and is a family surname.

So - the deed is done now, my name is changed. But does my mother have a point?

Absolutely not!

Dymphna60

It might matter to your mother that you are using her maiden name ( ?) and therefore looks as if she had you out of wedlock. That might be upsetting for her and your father. Although how often would you be giving your name to people that know that’s your mother’s maiden name ?

Artytarty

I can sort if see your mothers point.
To outsiders it looks like a rejection of your own parents.
Sorry to be blunt and I realise that was not your intention.

We have a distant relative by marriage who did the same, in her case it was a deliberate rejection of her mother in favour of her grandmother.
Didn't help that she also keeps changing her first name, we never know what to call her and she takes great offence if you go for the wrong one!

hazyjo

Well, if you'd got married again, you may well have changed it to something else anyway (and have lost it in the past), so I don't get why they'd be that upset. I get the 'rejection' thing, but would understand it far better if you were male (even then, it's entirely up to you what you use).


I'd also understand it a bit more if it was your first name as it's the name they chose for you so may feel upset. (Again, up to you at the end of the day!)


My nephew uses my mum's old maiden name (his nan) as (1) he can't stand his dad (2) it's a really awful surname that sounds like something sexual (3) he trained in performing arts and they often have a stage name.


My niece is using a different surname now too. Her sister (and their dad) is the only one sticking with it. Even my sister hasn't married him after 25+ years and I'm sure it's because she doesn't want to take his surname lol.

trailingspouse

Dymphna60 wrote: »

It might matter to your mother that you are using her maiden name ( ?) and therefore looks as if she had you out of wedlock. That might be upsetting for her and your father. Although how often would you be giving your name to people that know that’s your mother’s maiden name ?

That's something that I hadn't thought of - and for her generation, it might be a consideration. However, she's never given that as the reason for her anger.

Interesting angle, thank you.

olgadapolga

Your life, your name, your choice.

Your mother will get over it.

TBagpuss

Bluntly, your mum is being unreasonable. It's your name, and you get to choose.

Context. I have two family mmbers who have changed their names>
#1 - Aunt, who divorced after 20 years of marriae. She decidd to use an old family name as her surname. No one, including her mother, had any issue with it

#2 My brother. He and his fiancee got engaged. They decided that they want to have the same surname but neither wished to take the other's name, and they didn't want to go double-barrelled as they felt it would get too ungainly. So they picked a name they both like, and changed.

(We have an elderly relative who was delighted when my brother was born, as the family runs heavily to girls and he was therefore (assuming normal marriage conventions) would be the onyl one liky to carry on her family name. When she heard about his change of name her only response was "Yes, it sounds like an elegant solution if neither of them wants to take the other's name, and it will save trouble if they and the baby all have the same name". She's nearly 90 and pretty old fashioned in her attitudes, I feel if she can understand, any one should be able to!


I can see that your mum or dad might be a little bit sad at the outset, as the name you'e chosen not to use is one they have both had for years, butit isn't reasonable to be angry or take it out on you.

chesky

Perhaps she's losing track.

trailingspouse

chesky wrote: »

Perhaps she's losing track.

That crossed my mind too. She's 88, and pretty fit and well generally. I've done dementia training, and know that it doesn't just manifest as memory loss. However - she's never been the easiest of people to get along with, and disapproves of a great many things - so nothing new there then!!


Thank you all - it's always good to get an opinion from people who aren't emotionally involved. Will just have to ride out the storm. This too shall pass!

Primrose

I have two friends who have divorced twice and to be honest keeping up with their changing surnames can get a bit confusing, especially when they keep changing their email addresses as well !

Normal custom used to be to divert to maiden names on divorce but I think people are breaking out of straitjacket rules these days.

Given the.bureauracy and form filling involved in name changing these days, especially when needed for ID and money laundering purposes it might be easier if all women kept their original surname after marriage instead of changing it to their husband,s name. I think this is increasingly happening in professional life anyway where a woman I.e. a doctor qualifies and has a certification issued and registered in her maiden name

Just don't change your surname again if you remarry or nobody, even your family will know who you are any longer ! :rotfl: