Change of name - reaction of parents

Mojisola

andydownes123 wrote: »

There's a difference between respect and agreement though. Respecting a descision is allowing a decision to stand and agreeing to disagree if needs be. Nowhere in respecting a decision is the need for the person to agree or be happy about it OR be quiet about it. To stifle comment on the grounds of not wanting to hear someone's opinion is censorship.

Mum not like the new name but going on about how angry she is (and suggesting the Dad is also very angry, even though he hasn't said anything) isn't respecting trailingspouse's decision.

If Mum doesn't like the new name, there's nothing wrong with her saying so once but not letting it drop after that isn't necessary.

onomatopoeia99

andydownes123 wrote: »

There's a difference between respect and agreement though. Respecting a descision is allowing a decision to stand and agreeing to disagree if needs be. Nowhere in respecting a decision is the need for the person to agree or be happy about it OR be quiet about it.

Disagree once, calmly, yes, but to use anger or disagree with the same thing / bring it up more than once? Not acceptable when dealing with adult and not respecting the decision at all.

chesky

I was disappointed when my daughter took her husband's name when they married - after all, the one she had had lasted her quite well for nearly fifty years and was also the name of her children (she hadn't married their father). But I realised that I hadn't the power to make her change her mind, so being angry and having a row about it would have served no purpose, except to possibly alienate her.

Slinky

Is surname E your mother's maiden name or some other family name, I'm not quite sure from what you've said. Could it be that there is a history to a person with that surname in your family, that your mother doesn't approve of? Perhaps everything was OK when they gave you that name, but that subesquently somebody that has that name has done something your mother doesn't approve of, even if you don't know about it, and that in choosing that name you're reminding her of something she'd rather forget.



Or perhaps she got pushed into giving you that name even though she didn't want to but couldn't articulate why (perhaps for personal reasons) then, or now.

trailingspouse

Slinky - yes E is my mother's maiden name. No-one has done anything untoward (there are no E relatives still living, apart from my mother.)


What makes it a little bit worse is that I thought she might be quite pleased that I'd chosen 'her' name!! I should have known better. As I said further up the thread, there's a long list of things she disapproves of - it's an easy list to get on to.


She'll come round eventually, I think - but hard though she is to get along with, I don't like to think that she feels hurt. That was never my intention - but she's not one to try to see any one else's point of view. I'll weather the storm.


Just to put her 'disapproval' into context -

- she disapproved the first time I got married (to a nice middle-class guy with a well-paid job, whose parents she already knew),

- she disapproved when I went back to work part time after having my first baby - to a career that I was qualified for, leaving baby in the care of her Dad
- she disapproved when I let my son play with his big sister's doll and pushchair
- she disapproved when I left the man that she'd disapproved of me marrying
- and so it goes on. It's quite exhausting, and you get to the point where you feel you might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.


I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.

trailingspouse

Mojisola wrote: »

In these situations, the anger often comes from resentment that people now have the freedom to make their own decisions and the angry person didn't.

Mojisola - I think you've cracked it. From other things she's said, about other aspects of her life, I think this is a very good explanation of much of the way my mother reacts to life.

warby68

So surname E was your mother's maiden name.

I know she gave it to you as a middle name but do you think perhaps she thought you should have asked her permission (for want of a better word) to use it as your surname. That she kind of still owned it.

trailingspouse

warby68 wrote: »

So surname E was your mother's maiden name.

I know she gave it to you as a middle name but do you think perhaps she thought you should have asked her permission (for want of a better word) to use it as your surname. That she kind of still owned it.

Another good thought. Yes, it's possible, and I agree I was thinking of it as 'my' middle name rather than 'her' maiden name when I chose it.

Thanks all.

Kielie02

i dont think parents wil have any issue with it.

getmore4less

Make sure your executor knows every name you have ever used, they may need an extension sheet for the forms.