Deressed and feeling of little worth.

London_Exile

Well, I've tried to be upbeat in my other posts and threads and for the main I have been. But the past couple of days have been really bad and It feels like I'm struggling to breathe!

I've been out of work since May after being told to take redundancy. Anyway, I've been trying to get back into work in IT or the Civil Service - without much joy. I've lost count of how many jobs I've applied for as a guess it's between 250-300. I really don't know exactly. I've had 7 interviews which haven't been successful in. TBH I've even been looking for anything that's remotely in IT recently. Including a junior helpdesk job, on just over 13k, - I didn't even get an interview!!! I just can't seem to get a job and now everything is starting to overwhelm me.

I've struggled with clinical depression for about 18 months, though for the past six months it really hasn't been an issue, but It's starting to kick in again. I just feel like I have so little worth to anyone or anything and can't see myself ever getting a job, let alone one which I would want. I'm stuck up in the middle of nowhere with no one to talk to apart from the wife. Am I going crazy? I'm getting increasingly frequent rages or massive swings of aggression, which scares me. I just know what to do anymore. And right now I can barely even get dressed during the day - which isn't me.

I just feel haunted all the time of how my life used to be - good career, salary and social life and I keep playing it all over in my mind. It doesn't make it any better when all I here from my friends is how well they are all doing, which just makes me feel like crap even if I don't allow it show. I just feel so mixed up! Doesn't help at this time of year either.

Apologies for the rant, but I don't really know where to go with it. The wife just gets the same old story every night and it's wearing her down i guess.

Can anyone help me out here? I'll elaborate if needed (this probably sounds rather incoherent!!)

London_Exile

That should be DEPRESSED! !!!!!! I can't even get that right!

woody_56

First line of defence in Germany i was told last year was ST johns wort,from any good health food shop,it worked for me, see your doctor and discuss your problem ,i did it helps.jim best of luck

Little_Star_3

can't really help, would just like to say i can sympathise with you. I was made redundnant in September. I was earning a good salary, was enjoying my life pretty much. I was on anti depressants long before this happened, but obviously my depression has gotten worse since I was made redundant. I've been applying for many jobs and getting no where, feel like I am the joke among my friends - Im the one that can't get a job - and like you keep playing out how good my life was before.

I can't really offer you any advice. I've tried to make a routine that I stick to every day, get up, exercise, shower, job hunt, then see what the day brings. I freak out over little things, like seeing the money going out and no money coming in, scared to death I will end up in a rough area due to having no money. Am trying to stay positive, focusing on what my other options are, and am hoping to start training in a new career in the new year.

anyway, sending thoughts, love and hugs your way. The only people who understand it are those who have actually been through it.

donnajunkie

there are people worse off. i have been out of work for years and know that i have little chance of everworking again unless i am willing to do the jobs no-one wants. i think you have plenty to offer, your length of unemployment isnt that long compared to alot of people. the companies you have applied to may well keep you on file and you could get a call at any time. have you tried registering with agencies?
while you are waitng for your opportunity to come why not do voluntary work of some kind? i do voluntary work a couple of days a week with these www.necf.org.uk i could do 5 days if i wanted to. get yourself some info on voluntary opportunities in your area and see if anything is of interest to you. it will also look good on your cv if a company sees you are getting out of the house and doing something worthwhile.
goodluck!

dmg24

Hi London_Exile,

Have you been to your GP to tell him how you are feeling? It sounds like you could do with your medication being changed or increased, or that you could do with a referral to the Community MH Team?

Is this the best time for you to be going back into employment, or do you think you need to get better first? Going back to work can help some, but equally it is not a good move for others.

I don't think that others suggesting that there are people that are worse off than you is particularly helpful. Having been in the depths of depression myself, I know that nothing feels much worse than that. Everyone has different circumstances, and as such, everyone has different feelings.

Also I would not take St Johns Wort without speaking with your doctor first. St Johns Wort does not react well with other medications, so you really are best to get proper medical advice.

Lots of love x

Little_Star_3

if you are on medication for ur depression u should NOT take st johns wort with it

donnajunkie

hi,
i was just trying to show them that they arent as badly off as they feel. i do hope i managed to contribute overall in a positive way in my post.

London_Exile

Thanks for replying so quickly! I'll try and reply to the posts as best I can............

Little_Star, thanks for that! It's easier to know that I'm not the only one going through this! It's hard to believe that just a few months ago I had a well paid job. I just feel like everyday it's chipping away at what little self-esteem I have left. Which in turn is making it harder to do anything - it's a very vicious circle. It doesn't help that I have so many weird hangups about quantifying where I should be with my life right now.

Donna, please don't take this the wrong way, but right now in my world; I can't see how it could be worse. If that's being selfish then so be it. But I can't even begin to take in anymore problems when i can't cope with my own! I am registered with just about every IT and Public Sector recruitment agency i know off. Most of the time they just phone you up and big you up then you never hear from then again! I've started doing some voluntary work for an HIV charity, but tin rattling isn't exactly inspiring! Even though it helps bring in the cash to help others

As for meds, not taking any and haven't for a while. Was on some kind of SSSI last year, but they just made me feel even worse, almost like a zombie so stopped taking them since then i've been okay(ish) but it's just recently I've been struggling. I just feel so vulnerable, which is horrible.

I want to believe that I can "get back" my old life, not literally, but something that approximates it; good job\salary (former more important than the latter, although it helps!), living back in London and having a good social life again.

dmg24

Could I ask why you left London? Have you not settled where you are now? Do you have a support network where you are (friends/ family)?

I find it is a massive step to go back to the doctor and say that things have gone wrong again, but it will hopefully be a step in the right direction? x

London_Exile

Dmg, you could ask, but I couldn't even begin to tell you! At the time there was a lot of personal issues that were going on, which led to the initial diagnosis of Clinical Depression. Anyway, we moved from London to just outside of Peterborough, with hindsight moving when you are not in a good place isn't the right thing to do. I think now because the house is nice, views, etc, etc that we didn't think about it too much. Anyway, we have no real connection up here int eh way of friends and family and to be honest haven't really made any either. So I don't really have the support network like I would have had had we stayed in London. So thats another stick i keep hitting myself with! I have an overwhelming need to feel belonging and I I don't feel\get that I tend to become isolated, etc.

I agree about the Dr's, but have to go back soon anyway to have annual check up, so might broach it then. But as you say it will fell like a massive step backwards. I just feel so lost.