Family issue, feeling backed into a corner and angry

TBagpuss

You don't have to forgive or forget.

In terms of other family, you don't have to do anything just because you think it *might* cause issues. The issues are being caused by your niec eand her behviour, and by her mum downplaying and dismissing that behaviour.

What I would suggest is that you don't bring it up or seek to discuss it., andthat any familgatherings you stay away from your sister and her daughter.

If anyone else asks you why, or mentions it to you then have a stock response; maybe somthing like "Unfortuantely, as last time I saw niece she subjected me to an unprovoked physical assault, then lied about it, I don't feel I want to spend time with her. I feel I was very generous to in not reporting either the assault, or her subsequent harassment and threats , to the police.
If I had any reason to think she had changed or had any remorse for her behaviour I might be able to forgive her, and I do hope that she gets to a point where she is able to understad how serious her behaviour was.
Of course I am not trying to make anyone else change how they chose to be with her, but I'm sure you can understa nd why am not comfortable being around her"

Then firmly change the subject and move on.

If you think that you may get pushback, then maybe at that point your respnse becoms "I'm not going to discuss this any further. Any time [niece] is ready to apologise I wouldbe happy or her to do so, and move on"

TBagpuss

swingaloo wrote: »

Im not expecting or asking them to take sides nor do I want or expect them to put pressure on my sister. What I mean is that I expect the pressure will be put on me to forgive and forget for the sake of others feeling comfortable. 10 or 12 people sitting round a table having a meal and a laugh is bound to be a bit awkward if 2 of them are avoiding speaking.

There's a lovely phrase coined, I think by the blogger 'Captain Awkward' which is 'return awkward to sender'
In your case, anhy awkwardness is bcuase your neice behaved badly, didn't apologise and your sister is trying to pretent it didn't happen.

So just make conversation with the rest of the amily and if anyone says anything to you, youcan simplysmile and say
"I agree it would be lovely to get back to how things were, but I'm sure you will understandthat it isn't possible to forget that I was assaulted and harassed, and that [niece] has never apologised or shown any remorse. It isn't the kind of thing you can just forget or preted didn't happen. If you were assaulted or threatened would you want to be friends with the person who did that to you, or to someone who tried to pretend it was no big deal?"

System

What do you want out of this?


You won. Move on.


Teenagers can be liars and will fight to the death if backed into a corner. Unlike adults who generally fess up under pressure, teenagers tend to see it through to the bitter end. She will never admit, because admitting in her view is losing face and the worse thing a teenager can be subject to is losing face/dealing with embarrassment.



Your sister HAS to remain on the fence. Sometimes with teenagers you just don't want to drive a wedge between you and them. It's easier that way. What recompense do you want? She went to the police, the statement fell apart and she's completely unbelievable and embarrassed.



Also, mum will be embarrassed too...probably why she doesn't want to talk about it...

harrys_nan

andydownes123 wrote: »

What do you want out of this?


You won. Move on.

I really cannot understand why you think anyone has "won"

onwards&upwards

The incident that you’re upset about was unpleasant but not really a massive thing. You weren’t hurt, you weren’t arrested.

Your sister is in a much worse position, imagine the difficulty of trying to help a daughter who behaves like this? Of trying to work out how on earth to turn things round and help her become a functioning adult. It must be keeping her awake at night!

I’d let it go to be honest, for your sister’s sake, she’s got enough on her plate. Just be polite and friendly at family gatherings but don’t feel you have to go out of your way for them from now on.

System

harrys_nan wrote: »

I really cannot understand why you think anyone has "won"

A bit persnickety, but I'll re-phrase for your benefit.



The accusation was unfounded, the police saw the evidence fall apart and OP was therefore deemed innocent. Move on.

[Deleted User]

onwards&upwards wrote: »

The incident that you’re upset about was unpleasant but not really a massive thing. You weren’t hurt, you weren’t arrested.

I don't agree with this at all. What if the daughter had have been believed. It was sheer luck she fell apart as some people can be very convincing.

onwards&upwards

BBH123 wrote: »

onwards&upwards wrote: »

The incident that you’re upset about was unpleasant but not really a massive thing. You weren’t hurt, you weren’t arrested.

I don't agree with this at all. What if the daughter had have been believed. It was sheer luck she fell apart as some people can be very convincing.

She wasn’t believed, nothing bad happened. What ifs just prolong unnecessary bad feeling. Stick with reality.

System

BBH123 wrote: »

onwards&upwards wrote: »

The incident that you’re upset about was unpleasant but not really a massive thing. You weren’t hurt, you weren’t arrested.

I don't agree with this at all. What if the daughter had have been believed. It was sheer luck she fell apart as some people can be very convincing.

But she wasn't believed, and it wasn't sheer luck and she wasn't very convincing.


Chalk it up to experience and know that OP can never trust this girl again. Perhaps niece will do it to someone else, but OP has had the warning shot and won't get burned a second time.

getmore4less

Sometime in life even with family you have to withdraw from relationships.

In practice this just means not going out of your way for them, you remain civil if you meet but just back off whenever possible.

On occasion that may also have to include the mother/sister and the other 2 kids that seem to be OK.

no drama just back out of their lives when it will include the disruptive one if that would cause you to be uncomfortable.

If there is evidence of a change/growing out of it, as the mother predicts then it will go back to normal.

If it is typical to send a card at b'day xmas could still send one.