Family issue, feeling backed into a corner and angry

CRANKY40

I'd just wait. Your niece has already hit her mother and got away with it. What do abusers do? If you didn't know (and most people know at least one domestic abuse victim so I bet you probably do), they do it again.

I'd remain silent and dignified and just wait for the bomb to go off as it undoubtedly will. Anything that you say will put you in the wrong because you're the adult. Yes I know that isn't fair but neither is life. Of course the child could come good, realise the error of her ways and call round to apologise but given that she's still mouthing off to anyone daft enough to listen that seems unlikely.

In the meantime, to get it out of your head, sit down and write the entire evening's events as they happened from start to finish, including anything that was said. If anyone should ask you what happened you don't have to rehash it from your mind (which may be less accurately remembered with time). You can just hand them the written pages to read. This works - it's exactly what I did when I was accused of something that I hadn't done (nobody believed the other person anyway thankfully). It gets the whole sorry thing out of your head and into storage elsewhere so you can carry on with your life in peace.

I'd stay on polite terms with your sister but cut down contact. There's no need to listen to her defending your niece (incidentally if my son had smacked me he'd have had way more than an 11pm curfew which is no punishment at all so I'm thinking your sister has no handle on discipline or she is actually scared of your niece herself). Your sister doesn't want to admit that she can't control her daughter so it's easier to shift the blame sideways. Again, just wait. There's never only one incident. Don't put yourself in the wrong by causing a family rift. You may have to wait a little while but you'll be proved right eventually.

P.S. Have a hug - it's not nice being betrayed by someone that you've tried to care for and look after.

Primrose

Your explanation of what triggered the incident didn't appear when I posted my earlier reply, which does, I think, change the perspective.


It seems that this wasn't just a one off incident, that your niece has been gradually going off the behavioural rails for some time and has no role model to guide her as her mother apparently is unable to control her.


I fear there is no easy answer. In the longer term when she is more financially independent , the girl may just remove herself from the family environment and family gatherings which would obviously make the atmosphere easier.


There is often a black sheep in many families. Maybe your niece is going to be like this, especially if she is mixing with the wrong type of friends who similarly have little moral parental guidance. You may have to take a more impersonal view and be grateful that this is your sister's problem to manage in the longer term. She is probably completely out of her depth in knowing how to manage the situation so in the lack of any greater skills is now taking the ambivalent view.


Have you talked to parents and any other brothers or sisters you may have about it? How are they reacting? In the end, if this girl is going to go permanently off the rails it will be a shame to allow her the power to affect other members of the family. Maybe you all have to agree to just ignore her and carry on regardless.


In the meantime you just have to act as the grown up here, sit back and see how her behaviour scenarios continue to act out. There may be more incidents to come. Better that you're out of the firing zone, especially if she has a tendency to get violent. I'm really wondering if your niece is taking drugs if her behaviour has become so difficult. ? I imagine your sister might not want to confront this issue as it's a difficult one for any parent to handle, but it may be one that she needs to address.

swingaloo

Thank you so much for the replies, they have given me some insights into why I am feeling like I am.

Unfortunately, adult or not, Im not in a place where I feel I can offer an olive branch and take her for a coffee at the moment. I feel I would just be opening myself up to the possibility of another incident and Im just not feeling that forgiving.

Im going to take the advice given on here onboard and just distance myself gradually.
Thank you all.

Pollycat

swingaloo wrote: »

Im not expecting or asking them to take sides nor do I want or expect them to put pressure on my sister. What I mean is that I expect the pressure will be put on me to forgive and forget for the sake of others feeling comfortable. 10 or 12 people sitting round a table having a meal and a laugh is bound to be a bit awkward if 2 of them are avoiding speaking.

I see what you mean now.
If the family know the full story, they should not be putting pressure on you to forgive and forget.
But that's your call.
You either suck it up for the sake of others or you stick to your principles
If family get-togethers are so important to you all, you all need to find a way round it that is comfortable to you all.
There is no magic wand that will make everything OK again.

swingaloo

Primrose wrote: »

Your explanation of what triggered the incident didn't appear when I posted my earlier reply, which does, I think, change the perspective.


It seems that this wasn't just a one off incident, that your niece has been gradually going off the behavioural rails for some time and has no role model to guide her as her mother apparently is unable to control her.


I fear there is no easy answer. In the longer term when she is more financially independent , the girl may just remove herself from the family environment and family gatherings which would obviously make the atmosphere easier.


There is often a black sheep in many families. Maybe your niece is going to be like this, especially if she is mixing with the wrong type of friends who similarly have little moral parental guidance. You may have to take a more impersonal view and be grateful that this is your sister's problem to manage in the longer term. She is probably completely out of her depth in knowing how to manage the situation so in the lack of any greater skills is now taking the ambivalent view.


Have you talked to parents and any other brothers or sisters you may have about it? How are they reacting? In the end, if this girl is going to go permanently off the rails it will be a shame to allow her the power to affect other members of the family. Maybe you all have to agree to just ignore her and carry on regardless.

Thanks Primrose. I have talked to some of the others, my parents are long gone but I have 2 sisters and a brother who say they are disgusted with her behaviour both towards me and her mum, another sister who is on the 'Its just her age' train of thought, another one who thinks that whilst he behaviour is atrocious its not worth rocking the boat and another brother Ive not actually spoken to about it yet.


Whilst I've spoken to them about what my niece did I've not really spoken to them about how my sister has dealt with it. I don't really want to be !!!!!ing to them about her. That's the point really, its the way its been handled that is niggling me almost as much as the incident.

gomer

It seems the only person putting pressure on you to forgive and forget is yourself. Nobody can force you to do anything or back you into a corner. You either accept the behaviour or you don't. You are a n adult with your own free will. You already know what you want to do. Stop speaking to the pair of them & let them get on with their dysfunctional lives. If my niece had behaved this way & my sister brushed it aside i wouldn't care about wider 'in house' implications. They wouldn't hear from me again.

DigForVictory

It's absolutely no fun being on the receiving end of physical & verbal violence. It leaves marks, some that fade, many that don't. The latter usually being invisible.

To then be told by the perpetrator's mother "I thought you would have got over it by now" adds salt. (Mothers are notoriously absent minded about their children's faults - if she's been hit, she will be Desperately trying to forget & no use at all in promoting a reconciliation.)

I think Cranky40's suggestion of writing it all down is a very sound one - it helps get the whole messy situation out of your head and put at a slight distance. It also means if anyone asks for your perspective, it's there, not quite contemporaneous documentation, but clear, written & part of the past.

I'm not going to bother feeling sorry for niece. She's taken up violence - it'll come back to bite her. Why and whether she was 'helped' by recreational chemistry, social media &/or the Wrong Sort has become immaterial. She's chosen her path & it isn't family. It can't help your pain to know the little girl you loved & were close to has taken a bad turn but her mother may be hurting worse.

I feel a little sorry for your sister who is clearly out of her depth but so tied to the family code that 'blood is thicker' that she can't haul her own child onto the straight & narrow. No mention of a father, or any help for her either.

Blood Stains.
So, document your side, keep your peace with as many of your family as you can stand [let them come to you] and keep attending the family events - why should a shamefully behaved child spoil your family contact & reassurance? That it is being badly handled will become still more clear over time - how much abuse do you reckon your sister will take to keep the family myth running?
Archive the abusive texts along with the story - and change your number & even phone if you feel you want a clean break. That will be a heads up to your family that you are not taking any more from the niece and that number blocking etc will be used as needed.

Of all the pernicious myths "oh they'll grow out of it" is one of the hardest to cope with, as whomever peddles it does so as they need to believe it. It excuses them from Doing Anything, including the immediate practical help, support & guidance. I don't think your entire family is going to tolerate that level of cop out for long, but it leaves you unsupported in the interim.

Skiddaw1

Primrose wrote: »

In the meantime you just have to act as the grown up here

For what it is worth, I think Primrose has hit the nail on the head. It sounds to me very much as if you're the only responsible adult in the scenario (niece obviously isn't and her mum clearly can't or won't take on that roll) and on that basis, no matter how hurt and angry you are (with good reason may I add) I think all you can realistically do is have as little contact with them as you can help without causing a family rift and wait for time and chance to move things along. I'd guess there's an issue of some sort behind niece's behaviour (it sounds beyond 'normal' teenage angst to me) and if so, no doubt it'll out itself at some point (which may well then change the dynamic).



Poor you- nasty situation not of your making....

[Deleted User]

Personally I wonder if there is more going on with this girl than bad behaviour. Her actions sound extreme tbh and your sister is probably minimising the problems in her head as she is embarrassed she has raised a girl like that.


In your shoes I would not make a scene of it with all your family but I would speak to your sister and explain that her daughters behaviour is serious and worse could happen unless she gets her under control. Until that happens you are going to quietly distance yourself as a means of self preservation.

supermezzo

I wonder if the Mum's comment about 'haven't you got over it yet' is the pre-cursor to her admitting what a problem it is. In a 'you think you've got it bad, you should see what I have to deal with' kind of way.


I think you're too close to deal with it but maybe another sibling who agrees with you about the situation could chat to the Mother about how she is coping with it - Until she gets a grip of the situation or asks for help, I don't see there ever being a real resolution for you.


In short, I don't think the niece is the key to this problem, rather the Mother, and that a kindly sibling gesture of support to her might be the way to move forwards.