Family issue, feeling backed into a corner and angry

swingaloo

I maybe just need to vent and get others opinions because I have a situation that is eating away at me continuously.

About 6 months ago one of my sisters teenage daughters did something to me. I don't want to go into too much detail but it involved a physical and verbal attack on me which was witnessed by one of her friends who then conspired with her to turn it round on me and I was accused of assault. After sending me lots of abusive texts which I would not reply to she then reported me to the police saying I has physically attacked her and during her interview (with my sister present) she made such a hash of getting her story straight (She had also complained that she was badly bruised but had no marks on her!) that basically she was given a good talking to by the police for wasting their time etc.


At the time my sister was upset and apologetic, she knows what her daughter is capable of and has actually been attacked by her herself. I was never spoken to by the police as my niece fell apart during giving the statement and it was realised that she was lying about what had happened.


However my niece is still ranting about how 'I got away with it' and that she was telling the truth. I want nothing to do with her now. It really upset me and I cant seem to get past it. I was really close to this niece as well.


What bothers me more than anything is the way it has been handled by my sister. She is sitting on the fence which I can accept to a degree as it is her daughter but even though she told me at the time that she was disgusted with her daughters behaviour there is just this attitude that it is her age and she will grow into a better person eventually.

That's not good enough for me. To me the fact that 'She is only a teenager' is not an excuse, its all the more reason that she should not have done it nor be allowed to get away with it. If she had been an adult then we would have been on even footing but Im a middle aged woman and I was put through an ordeal by a teenage girl with a foul mouth and temper.

According to my sister her punishment was telling her she had to be in by 11pm for a month. As she is still at school I cant accept that's much punishment!

My sister then told me that 'She should come and apologise really, but she will never do that'. Honestly if that had been my daughter doing what she did to a family member I would have withheld spending money, privileges etc until she had made some effort to apologise.

2 months after the event I was telling my sister that I was still upset and angry about what happened and she made some remark that 'I thought you would have got over it by now, she will grow up, hopefully turn into a nicer person and it will all blow over'. She also made a remark that perhaps I was a bit confused about what happened! 'You have your memory of it and she has hers'.

I'm so angry now, its not so much what happened but more how it has been dealt with. I wont go to my sisters house now as I don't want to cross paths with my niece, my niece is no longer welcome at mine.

I'm just getting so annoyed by the way my sister says I should just 'Move on, get over it, she's just a silly child' as if that makes it ok. My sister gets very defensive when anything is said to her and I know that if I try to talk to her again about it she will just get her back up and make out that I'm the one with the problem.


I'm almost at the point where I want to really go for it and tell her exactly what I think but it will cause a rift. I'm not the kind of person who can fall out with someone today and forget about it tomorrow. Once I'm done, I'm done. This sister does bring a lot of negativity into my life as it is and I could gladly keep my distance.
But, we are a large family and have a lot of family meals, meet ups etc when we are all free and in the same area.

Therein lies the problem because if I fall out with my sister then there are bound to be problems when we all meet up. I don't think sides will be taken (even though the others are disgusted at niece) but I do know that we have always lived by the mantra that family comes first and w are there for each other no matter what so I would expect pressure from the others to make up with my sister to keep the peace.


I'm feeling the pressure to just to live with the fact of what happened to keep a family rift forming but at the same time I'm the one it happened to and I cant get past the anger about it.

Perspective please.

tempus_fugit

Families. They're a pain in the !!!!. That's my take on it.

POPPYOSCAR

The only thing you can do is distance yourself from your sister, she is not going to take your side over her daughter by the sound of things.

You have tried talking to her and she just wants it all to go away but you cannot do that(I would feel the same in your situation)

You can still be civil when you have to meet up on family occasions.

Tahlullah

Perspective is difficult because it changes with the eye of the beholder. This is why your sister seems to think it will all blow over and you will forgive and forget because blood is thicker etc.

But if the matter is as serious as you say - and any family rift that involves the police, in my opinion is serious, I would not be able to let it go.

I can only talk about how I would react, but that doesn't mean it would be right for you.

Somehow, you have to find your own centre and be able to live with whatever decision you make. Because the level of resentment you appear to be carrying is not going to go away. And nor is your sister ever going to take your side over her daughter.

If you are a close family, choose wisely because this could have wider repercussions than affecting just you, your sister and your niece.

MysteryMe

Did this behaviour by the niece towards you and your sister happen out of character and around the same time? You say you were really close to the niece so that does not suggest she has always behaved this way. I am wondering whether something has happened to your niece that has caused this behaviour.

Doodles

It's understandable you feel angry.

Whilst its tempting to have a go at your sister, you can equally get the message across by giving her the silent treatment to be honest. At family gatherings, pretty much ignore her and the niece. You say your sister brings negativity anyway, so doesn't feel like you'd miss her that much?

Your sister has no right to tell you how you should feel or when you should be 'over it'.

Just because your niece is telling people you got away with it, doesn't mean those people will necessarily believe that.

Perhaps you could speak to your mum or dad to say how you feel. Unfortunately sometimes sorrys never come and we do have to live with that.

Pollycat

You can't change what happened.
You can't change how your niece behaved/is behaving.
You can't change your sister's perspective and her feelings towards her daughter, regardless of her actions.
What you can do is remove yourself from the upset and limit contact with the people who are causing you to feel as you do.

You've done that in part by deciding not to visit your sister's house.
Maybe you need to limit contact with your sister.

swingaloo wrote: »

This sister does bring a lot of negativity into my life as it is and I could gladly keep my distance.

I'd be questioning whether I needed this sister in my life.
You do not have to 'fall out with her'. Just start to reduce contact and be as sociable as you can when there are family get-togethers.

swingaloo wrote: »

Therein lies the problem because if I fall out with my sister then there are bound to be problems when we all meet up. I don't think sides will be taken (even though the others are disgusted at niece) but I do know that we have always lived by the mantra that family comes first and w are there for each other no matter what so I would expect pressure from the others to make up with my sister to keep the peace.

You're a bit mixed up here.
You say you don't want family to take sides but you are expecting them to take sides by putting pressure on your sister.

Expecting other family members to take sides - regardless of right or wrong - is probably unrealistic.

swingaloo

Thank you for the replies.

I understand I am going to have to choose wisely as its further repercussions on the whole family thing that worry me but to just pretend nothing has happened in order to keep everyone else happy is what's grating on me. I'm the one who was put through it and I feel as if I'm the one that has to 'put up and shut up' for others sakes.


As for why it happened when I had always been close to her-

She has been going off the rails for some time and to be fair has always been allowed her own way and had very little discipline in her life. Dad left when she was 3 and she has been brought up by mum, there are 3 children but the other 2 have been no trouble.

Lately her behaviour when told 'no' to anything by her mum has escalate to the point where she has been kicking mum, breaking things in the house, calling her all kinds of things etc. This particular night she had done some damage in the house, kicked mum and said she was leaving. She left the house with no money, coat or anywhere to go and mum was so upset she rang me. I went out looking for her as it was late, freezing and we were worried sick about her. I found her, asked her to come home, said mum was worried and she couldn't stay on the street all night.

Without any warning she erupted and I got the 'What the F*** has it got to do with you' followed by a stream of screaming and being called a few other 4 letter words and then being pushed against a wall. The wall was only about 2 foot tall and I thought I was going to go over it and reached out in panic and grabbed her coat to stop myself falling. That's when she started saying I had attacked her, pulled her hair, etc.

I got back into my car at that point, by this time she was yelling at her friend to get her phone out and film the f****** b****'.

It was just way past anything I had ever known before. We are not a Jeremy Kyle family familiar with fighting and being involved with the police. Then to get the texts from her threatening me with the police.

I know Im a different generation but when did it become acceptable for a child to behave this way towards an adult relative.

Primrose

I wonder if your niece is a slave to social media and has been infected by all the behavioural negativity which it is now being credited with. Or possibly she is experimenting drugs, unknown to her parents, and behaving irrationally at times, and her confrontation with the police unnerved her because she feared they might be getting close to discovering her habit.


You say your sister has on occasions, been similarly affected by her behaviour and perhaps thinks these are the normal growing pains of a teenager and is hoping that she will grow out of them.


I can understand your distress. It seems to me that you have three options:


1. Ignore her, distance yourself from your sister and her daughter and only meet up on family occasions when you have to.


2. Hope that time will change things,


3. Seize the initiative as a grown up mature individual, take your niece out for coffee or lunch and explain to her that these incidents which happen in your younger life can have a lasting effect, both on the donor and the recipient as well as family relationships, so try to reach an accommodation and patch up the relationship.


If you were very close to your niece in the past, I wonder if 3) is worth trying? As a teenager, she will not have developed the life skills to be able to do this. It may be a valuable learning lesson for her.


I can understand how upset you are. It's not easy to shake off the emotional after effects of such an incident and your sister has probably been left feeling impotent at her daughter's behaviour and the impact it has had on family dynamics.


Perhaps you need to ask yourself "What do I want to achieve from this long term, and how do I best go about it?


Another option would be to write your niece a letter explaining how upset you have been by the incident, wondering whether she is OK as a result of her encounter with the police which must have been unnerving for her and asking if she would consider a coffee and a chat to talk things through. You could mention that these upsets can have the possibility of upsetting family dynamics for years to come and it would be good for you both to put the matter to rest amicably.


It sounds as if your sister is somewhat out of her depth in being able to cope with her daughter's erratic teenage behaviour so is not giving her the moral leadership or example a parent should be. Perhaps it is down to her aunt to now do this?


It's probable that your family relationships could change for ever as a result of one teenager's outrageous behaviour so sit down and think through the long term "what ifs" of all routes before you come to a decision.


You say your niece is still ranting about "how you got away with it". Are you getting this comment from her mother or from social media? If the latter, just unhook yourself from it . If the former, you know that it is still an issue which is internally disturbing your niece and needs to be dealt with. Perhaps a quiet talk with her in neutral surroundings will uncover what really triggered this issue in the first place. Who knows? , It may have been something which was not really even directed at you originally but triggered by some other upset in her life at the time, and you just happened to be the person walking under the scaffolding when the block of concrete happened to fall down.

Pollycat

swingaloo wrote: »

I know Im a different generation but when did it become acceptable for a child to behave this way towards an adult relative.

Of course your niece's behaviour was unacceptable.
It never has been acceptable and it never will be.

But that doesn't change what happened.

All you can do is put yourself out of the way of this girl and the person who is, in effect, supporting her behaviour.

After reading what happened, in your shoes I would find my sister's attitude and actions totally unacceptable and probably wouldn't want contact with someone who calls me for help, gets that help and then trivialises her daughter's appalling actions.

swingaloo

Pollycat wrote: »

You're a bit mixed up here.
You say you don't want family to take sides but you are expecting them to take sides by putting pressure on your sister.

Expecting other family members to take sides - regardless of right or wrong - is probably unrealistic.

Im not expecting or asking them to take sides nor do I want or expect them to put pressure on my sister. What I mean is that I expect the pressure will be put on me to forgive and forget for the sake of others feeling comfortable. 10 or 12 people sitting round a table having a meal and a laugh is bound to be a bit awkward if 2 of them are avoiding speaking.