Objective opinion, giving an 80 year old some home truths

hayabslee0

Evening all. I'm on the lookout for some objective support (asking friends hasn't helped as their views are 50/50).

To cut a long story short, I did have a large family, but after the death on my Mum a few years ago, I found out a LOT of secrets she'd been hiding for the sake of keeping the family together. A big part of this problem and her worries was her mum (my Nan).

After Mum died, I wanted to do the "right thing" by supporting Nan (I have siblings but they're all self-centered wastes of space / scroungers / liars / users). For two years after Mum's death, I did everything for my Nan (hospital appointments, general house maintenance, shopping, you name it (while also working full time and having two young kids myself). During this time, she liked to use her will as a "reminder" of why I should be helping her. As much as money is nice, I'm not going to be bribed.

Fast forward a few months, and out of the blue, her son (estranged for 20 years) comes back into the picture.

This is where things take a change.

As soon as he comes back, anything I've done has been forgotten, he's got power of attorney, made her change her will (not sure what exactly), the list goes on. Therefore, as I felt she preferred him to look after her (he's her son after all - despite not talking for 20 years), I took the decision to move my family to a new area (4 hours away). We'd always wanted to do it for the benefit of our kids' future, but held back for her. However, I now felt that time was to look after MY family.

A year after moving, and I've not looked back since. Moving was the best thing for my family.

However, my coldhearted Nan couldn't have been less interested if she tried. She doesn't want to come and see where we live (despite me offering to drive and get her), she barely speaks to me, and has seemingly forgotten everything I have done.

This has all left me feeling bitter. In a selfish way, I want the last word. I want to tell her exactly what I think, exactly how she treated me, and other members of the family (knowing I'll likely never speak to her again), but will give me the satisfaction of knowing how !!!!ed off I am about everything. She couldn't care less about the fact she has two grandchildren that would still want to see her.

There's so much more she's done - I could write a book. She's been a cold, heartless, selfish, lazy cow all her life (made my granddad's life miserable, made his parents miserable), the list goes on).

I only speak to her once every week or so (again, as I feel it's the "right" thing to do), but I'd honestly be happier if I never spoke to her so I don't need to hear her hate-filled stories and rumours and complaining every time we speak.

So...do I tell her what I think, how she treated me, how she's played family members off each other for her benefit? Do I suck it up and let her think I'm OK with everything? She's 80, but as she puts it, "is all there". Or shall I just stop phoning her and leave her wondering why I've not called?

M_Python

hayabslee0 wrote: »

I only speak to her once every week or so (again, as I feel it's the "right" thing to do), but I'd honestly be happier if I never spoke to her so I don't need to hear her hate-filled stories and rumours and complaining every time we speak.

I think your answer is right there!

203846930

might get more response up on the families board

boomer69

Move on and be happy.
Forget about the old bat.

Missli

Put her out of your life. Its causing you stress. No one needs toxicity. If you tell her how you feel it will only cause more problems. It sounds like you and your family are better off without her.

CARRYONFILM12

The best 'home truth' you can give is simply not to bother with her.

MissPickle

Let it go & move on.
Concentrate on looking after your own chosen family.
Look to the future & leave the past behind.
You'll be surprised how easy it is to do.
Don't waste time trying to figure stuff or people out, there's no point, it's a waste of energy. You'd only go round in circles & end up back at the beginning.
Don't worry yourself about the reformed son. If he hasn't reformed, she'll soon find out. See her relationships with others as non of your business & let her crack on with it. Don't concern yourself with him.
Forget about the will. Tell yourself you're getting nowt. Write it off. If you get anything, it's a bonus.
How she chose to treat you, was up to her.
How you choose to treat yourself, is up to you.
Good luck with the future, live it to the full & whichever way you see fit.
And remember... today won't be the future tomorrow.
It'll be yesterday.
I had to think about that one :think:

onomatopoeia99

You can't choose your family, but you can choose whether or not you have them in your life.

This family connection seems to cause you nothing but aggravation, so consider whether your life would be improved by severing it. Sounds to me like it would. Just stop calling her.

Flugelhorn

You would feel much, much better if you just decided to carry on without any contact.
Nan was very happy to have you running around after her until she found someone else to do it and has quickly forgotten you.
Some people are like this - make others miserable but still have them running around them, inducing guilt in all of them - you are better off without her, you have made a good choice in moving away

Mojisola

hayabslee0 wrote: »

This has all left me feeling bitter. In a selfish way, I want the last word.

I want to tell her exactly what I think, exactly how she treated me, and other members of the family (knowing I'll likely never speak to her again), but will give me the satisfaction of knowing how !!!!ed off I am about everything.

It can be very therapeutic to put these feelings on paper - but I wouldn't advise sending her the letter.

Write it all down and then burn the letter and let your bitterness go.

Rather than letting you have the last word, telling her how you feel would hand more power over to her.

Just stop making contact with her and block her number - start to live your life for yourself and your family.

cuddlymarm

Personally I think you’d regret it if you did give her a piece of your mind. The only person you would upset would be you.
You’ve said yourself that she and other members of the family are lazy and selfish. Look after you and yours, just let it go and get on with your life.
Cuddles