Objective opinion, giving an 80 year old some home truths

ska_lover

hayabslee0 wrote: »

Nail on head there, I think. Part of my anger / bitterness towards the whole situation is how I believe she should be "happy" for me and my kids that we've enhanced our lives.

Unless we ask someone outright how they feel about something (and even then, they will only give a very one dimensional answer based on how they are feeling at that very moment) ...then we have no idea how they feel. We are just assuming based on other reasoning

Nor, (in cases like these) is, how they feel, any of our concern - or we can appear to feel a little self absorbed....as in ''I want you to be happier for me'' (I don't mean you are self absorbed btw..but her happiness, could also be wrapped up with her approval ('Yes you have done the right thing in moving, I am so happy for you')

As humans, we can not be reliant on others feelings about our life choices to make us happy or instill inner peace.

You know you have done the right thing. For you, for your family.

She may well be a little resentful that there is one less person at her beck and call, in her twilight years - but again that is assuming on my part

None of us know the intricate weavings of your family dynamics that, for many families, would need a book, not just one post, to fully explain.

I honestly think that you need to focus on what you have got, and try, somehow to let go of bitterness and resentment that have built up.

If this means not speaking to grandma anymore, only you can chose that option. But make the right choice for YOU and your little family - not for anyone else.

elsien

I had a relative who constantiy complained no one ever phoned them.
I did regularly point out that it takes two to have a relationship and if she was that bothered she'd pick up the phone herself. Ideally without bollocking the recipient for their lack of contact thus making them even more reluctant to phone.'
Stop making the weekly duty calls. See if she makes the effort to phone you. If she doesn't, problem solved. If she does then you need to see how they pan out before deciding whether to carry on picking up the phone.
It's not as if she's on her own with no one. She's shown her preference for other family members which was her decision to make.
My grandmother and father never got on, but towards the end of her life he became more involved out of duty more than anything. For whatever reason and however much it hurts, that's the decision she and her son have made. Breathe a sigh of relief that your life is better because of it and move on.

Sea_Shell

marlot wrote: »

As I've become older, I've realised that many people can be categorised as givers or takers.


The givers make the phone calls, provide the support, volunteer for charities, get involved in their communities.


The takers ... well they just take.

Maybe "many" people. However, it is possible to neither be a giver or a taker. Just because you're not one, doesn't automatically make you the other!!

ska_lover

elsien wrote: »

I had a relative who constantiy complained no one ever phoned them.
I did regularly point out that it takes two to have a relationship and if she was that bothered she'd pick up the phone herself. .

I have a relative like this - well actually a couple - who went to a huge and unnecessary amount of effort and cost, to cut themselves off from most of the family - over extended periods (decades) - and still moan to this day, that no one contacts them.

Some things are literally beyond reasoning.

After years of trying to come to some kind of logical conclusion why this happens I have only come up with the following

1 - Some people are so self absorbed their heads are placed firmly up their own jacksy

2 - people sometimes distance themselves from others for the sake of their mental health. Maybe the other person hasn't actually done something wrong or maybe they have, but one person may just need to be left alone due to another inadvertently triggering them

None of it really makes sense to me, I have had counselling to try and work out what is actually going on, but it didn't really help me to draw conclusions

Some of us can be very hurt by family.

I look at my husbands family (like the waltons) and see them all talking, laughing, enjoying each others company, and it opened my eyes to a world I had never witnessed before meeting him

Albala

If you don't want to completely cut off, and want to leave options open, you can keep channels open but distant- card at Christmas with news, letters occasionally if there is family news.


If you are happier and more relaxed without contact, just don't bother. That takes their power over you and dumps it in the bin, basically. They stop being able to hurt/annoy/stress you. Score becomes You=1, Them =0.



There are individuals who I have completely cut contact with. I will put up with a fair bit, and I try to make allowances for people, but in all those cases they had gone beyond the pale in my judgment, oddly enough, not by the way they treated me, but by their treatment of others.


One I just walked away from (literally, in the street, with them yelling after me). Never set eyes on them again, I don't even know if they are still alive. One I just told not to bother even emailing as I wouldn't read their emails. And I haven't. When I say something, I mean it. Never regretted it for a millisecond in either case. But that would not be true for everyone, and only you know how you would feel.


Another point is that sometimes your own mental wellbeing has to be protected- and for the good of innocent 'others', as well as yourself. You have to think of your own immediate family in that context.

Exodi

The sort of people that need these 'home truths' are often the people least likely to pay attention to them. Sadly I have members of my family that don't talk to each other because of 'principle' (of which the point of contention was forgotten many moons ago).

choille

Some people just don't care even though they've had you dance to their tune for decades. It's hard to step back but healthy to do so.

If you can't bear to cut ties completely beat a slow retreat - space out the contact, keep it to a minimum. Once free of these unhealthy relationships - which this sounds like, you allow space for good healthy friends to step forward.

These people can become a habit which is toxic & they really won't miss you at all - it's hard to face that but they've moved on & won't change at their age.

xxdeebeexx

I was in a similar situation to the op for years.

Op you must be delighted that you had the courage to move away and distance yourself from your nan. I think that's brilliant.

I never managed to do that and ended up very angry and resentful and it got worse when the person I cared for (looked after) died.

I wanted to tear a strip off everyone in the family that had sat back and watched me do everything.

Eventually I went to a private counselor and was able to vent there. I think I went for 5 x 1 hour sessions and it really helped me make sense of things.
My anger has gone and the need to tear a strip off other family members has evaporated.
My relationship with other family members is polite but not broken.
The lovely thing is - my mind is now empty of the negative angry thoughts. I've wasted enough of my past and I don't want to waste my future keep churning it over in my mind.

Counseling might be a good first step.

Sea_Shell

ska_lover wrote: »

None of us know the intricate weavings of your family dynamics that, for many families, would need a book, not just one post, to fully explain.

This is SO true. It's like each individual instance in itself would seem, to others, as being inconsequencial, trivial, or nothing to get your knickers in a twist about, but to you, it can really be the Straw that broke the Camels back!!!

BIG HUGS to all those dealing with family who are seriously doing their head in!!!!