Objective opinion, giving an 80 year old some home truths

unholyangel

I often think that you never truly know someone until they've died. You are one part of their life, but other people are other parts of their life and its only really in death it all comes together and you sometimes get to learn things about them you never knew when they were alive.

As for your question....articulating/having to put something into words can help us process it mentally and move on. But you've already said she's cold, heartless & doesn't care. So I would suggest putting it into a letter....and then burn/destroy that letter without sending it.

Sometimes you just need to console yourself with the knowledge that you can't control how other people act, only how you react to them. You already feel like you've wasted that time on her, why waste more?

Pollycat

Stop ringing her.
Forget about telling her some 'home truths'.
Move on.
Concentrate on your own family.

jackieblack

unholyangel wrote: »

As for your question....articulating/having to put something into words can help us process it mentally and move on. But you've already said she's cold, heartless & doesn't care. So I would suggest putting it into a letter....and then burn/destroy that letter without sending it.

Sometimes you just need to console yourself with the knowledge that you can't control how other people act, only how you react to them. You already feel like you've wasted that time on her, why waste more?

This ^^^^^^^

Primrose

You have already done the best thing. Moving your family away and ensuring that they are thriving.
Concentrate your life on keeping the positive things going.
Your Nan has other options in her life to help her now. Your duties are over, and even if you feel hurt by her behaviour, she can do nothing practical to hurt your family.


Some people can't change their nature and at 80 she is unlikely to do so. I would just quietly drop the phone calls, or on your next call, tell her you're glad that her son has now taken over responsibility for her and you're sure that she's happy with this. Explain that it has taken the pressure off you, which you appreciate.


Then gradually let the phone calls get further and further apart until they cease. She can sit and reflect at her own part in this if she's capable of doing so but the reality is that she will probably mentally free herself of any blame. She is quite possibly slowly sinking into some form of dementia where you are ceasing to exist anyway, so what would be the point of stirring up trouble with somebody who has perhaps always had serious character defaults and who is now going downhill with a different sort of mental defect?


It will be hard after all you've done for her in the past but I sense this reapproachment is not a battle you're going to win. Retire quietly from the battlefield in a dignified manner and let her son now take the bullets.


The people who are most important to you now are the family around you. Look after them and give them a better example of how families should behave towards each other. Nursing a grievance, however genuine it is, only helps it to grow to the unreasonable proportions where it starts to dominate your life and behave like a malignancy.

paddy's_mum

My very wise mother said to me, when I was once in a very similar, emotionally fraught situation "no point proving you can be nastier -

(or more spiteful, cold, insensitive, bitter, abusive, hurtful; insert appropriate word here)

than Mary because whoever wins that battle has lost".

Food for thought?

hayabslee0

All your replies have been fantastic. Thank you all so much!

luxor4t

I'm now glad that I didn't say what I was thinking when I had a similar situation.
It was so tempting, but at best I'd have been wasting my time, at worst I'd have been feeding them ammunition.

Robisere

In a similar situation many years ago with a relative I grew up with as a child. Was extremely hurt when this person totally blanked me and made a point of doing it in front of others, laughing about it too. My dad, a very wise man, told me this when I swore what I would do to 'get my own back'

"Why bother son? Hate hurts the hater more than the hated. Every time."

He was right. I eventually consigned the person and the incident to history. In time I moved homes 4 times, moved to another county, moved home there again. Had completely forgotten this relative but they tracked me down, phoned me. After the usual 'pleasantries' with no apology for no contact, I learned why he had decided to track me down: in a reversal of your situation, the aunt to us both, had left me a particular valuable family heirloom that I had always liked. He almost demanded that I return it to him. Through my laughter, I told him not to contact me again. Then I changed my number, after phoning other relatives to ask who had given him my number. I didn't inform any of them of my new number and I made it ex-directory. Having noted his number from his call, I then blocked it on my new number. None of my distant relatives ever contact me or send cards, none has ever visited me and/or my family here. Now they never will, including the one who rang. Perfect: we can get on with our lives fine without them.

I still have the heirloom, with its memories of one of the few relatives I loved. Get on with your family life OP, the old bat is simply not worth another thought. The time will come when you will be glad you did.

meer53

Recently been in a similar situation. I've stopped contacting my ex, he left me with a toddler and a teenager 17 years ago. I kept in contact with him for the sake of our daughter, she's now nearly 19 and after yet another disaster (his home was repossessed due to his careless attitude to work and money) I decided that it was time to cut him loose. You can't imagine how liberating it is, his constant dramas and needy phone calls/visits have stopped and I cam now concentrate on living my life without his dramas lurking at the back of my mind.

My daughter and son are still in touch with him but I've not spoken to him for 18 months and it's been fantastic ! OP, stop contacting your Nan, you've done plenty for her so have no need to feel guilty for anything.

marlot

As I've become older, I've realised that many people can be categorised as givers or takers.


The givers make the phone calls, provide the support, volunteer for charities, get involved in their communities.


The takers ... well they just take.


You clearly are a giver who likes to please people. I'm sure you'll feel guilty and have sleepless nights the first week you don't phone, but you'll learn to move past it. Don't stoop to her level and try to tell her how mean and nasty she is - it will affect you much more than it will her.


You could always phone her if you get a Christmas or Birthday card from her.