Alcoholic brother - do I say something?

Racky_Roo

coffeehound wrote: »

Alcohol problems are often deeply rooted in early childhood. Any domineering, controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parenting, OP? If so it would require a lot of therapy to treat, and probably private rather than NHS funded. “Laziness” in this context is probably another result of the sub-optimal upbringing in that case; it’s a bit of a lose-lose scenario for the victim.

I had to lol at this. absolutely not, my partner and I often wonder how my brother and I are so different when we were brought up the same. I don't remember us being treated any differently

Racky_Roo

So just an update, we did have a chat last night - he actually started it and although his drinking wasn't mentioned he said a lot of things which I can see would mean he's not coping. He's hating his job and it's incredibly stressful and despite him and the other employees telling the management, they don't really care.
He's also upset as he has fallen out with his best friend as the so called best friend bumped into abusive ex and told her where my brother worked and that he's back at home which my brother is understandably upset about. She tried to get him sacked from his last job so this is not acceptable to do and he doesn't understand why his "friend" would do this so it sounds like there is a lot going on under the surface.

Anyway, I have made some suggestions on the job front and he has someone he used to work with he can contact who has a job available, so he's going to book a weeks' holiday in the next few weeks to have some time to look for jobs. Also after our chat he rang his friend and they ironed out the issue although i'm not sure the friendship will be totally the same again.

I think his problem is he bottles things up and doesn't really seem to be able to work through issues easily. I'm quite methodical and so if I have a problem I go into solution mode where as he just buries his head in the sand and hopes it'll go away.

Racky_Roo

And with regards to all the comments regarding the drink driving, that actually wasn't what I was asking help with. Telling me the likelihood of him crashing his car and injuring others is not really helping. I already know that and I live with that as do my parents, however, if you have not been in this situation (and I hope you never will be) you cannot comprehend how hard it would be to report him and know it would mean he has no job, no driving licence and no change of getting another job so can we please not keep discussing this as that wasn't the purpose of the thread.

Primrose

Sounds a positive start. Bottling up problems is not helpful so hopefully now the ice is broken it may be easier for your brother to ask for support or at least feel he can let off steam with you .
Looking for another job sounds a positive step if he is unhappy.

Onviouslynthe ex is still exerting a bad influence in the background but he just needs to be encouraged to try and ignore her and move his spheresmof activity away from areas where she can still interfere.

onwards&upwards

Racky_Roo wrote: »

And with regards to all the comments regarding the drink driving, that actually wasn't what I was asking help with. Telling me the likelihood of him crashing his car and injuring others is not really helping. I already know that and I live with that as do my parents, however, if you have not been in this situation (and I hope you never will be) you cannot comprehend how hard it would be to report him and know it would mean he has no job, no driving licence and no change of getting another job so can we please not keep discussing this as that wasn't the purpose of the thread.

It will be tough, it might be both the hardest and the best thing you ever do.

If you know he is out driving under the influence though, you HAVE to do it and if you don’t you are just as responsible for any harm he causes.

I’ve never had to do it no, but equally I hope you are never in the position of seeing people you care about suffer the depths of grief because of a drunk driver.

Even if you only care about him, how do you think a prison sentence and the guilt of killing or injuring someone will help him? What if it’s himself he kills? Is that better than losing his licence for a bit?

I hope things work out with the job and the friend, it’s goid that he can talk to you.

Fire_Fox

coffeehound wrote: »

Alcohol problems are often deeply rooted in early childhood. Any domineering, controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parenting, OP? If so it would require a lot of therapy to treat, and probably private rather than NHS funded. “Laziness” in this context is probably another result of the sub-optimal upbringing in that case; it’s a bit of a lose-lose scenario for the victim.

coffeehound wrote: »

People who resort to self-medication probably have inadequate coping skills and low self-esteem plus often feelings of guilt or shame though; these are definitely rooted in childhood experience. I don’t disagree with your pragmatic approach to treatment, though.

Research indicates that hereditary/ genetic ('nature') risk factors far outweigh environmental ('nurture') ones in alcohol dependence.

Manxman_in_exile

Racky_Roo wrote: »

And with regards to all the comments regarding the drink driving, that actually wasn't what I was asking help with. Telling me the likelihood of him crashing his car and injuring others is not really helping. I already know that and I live with that as do my parents, however, if you have not been in this situation (and I hope you never will be) you cannot comprehend how hard it would be to report him and know it would mean he has no job, no driving licence and no change of getting another job so can we please not keep discussing this as that wasn't the purpose of the thread.

Racky Roo - I understand how difficult that would be for you and your parents - that's why I was sitting on the fence somewhat earlier.


However, that's all the more reason to get him reducing and stopping. And it almost certainly won't be easy.


And I wouldn't worry at the moment too much about why he's drinking (unless there's something you or your parents can do to address that now.) He needs to accept he has a problem, start reducing, stop.


Easier said than done, unfortunately.