Alcoholic brother - do I say something?

Racky_Roo

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read. My parents have contacted the charities but like everyone says, he has to want to stop drinking and until then they just need to keep telling him they are there for him when he decides he needs help which they do regularly

We've talked about the drink driving and quite honestly I think it would make things worse if he was caught (i'm not saying he does drink drive btw) as he would have to quit his job (if he wasn't sacked) as my parents live in quite a rural location and he would struggle to get anything he could cycle to. Talking to him won't help, they've tried that and even bought some of those testing kits which he's never used.

We think the root of his unhappiness is his ex gf who was mentally and physically abusive to him. They split up 2 years ago but I don't think he got over her.

Again, like you all say, he needs to be the one who wants to change and I don't think he does at the minute. He's quite lazy and likes everything handed to him on a plate, so this is probably looking like hard work!

Manxman_in_exile

Sadly it probably will be hard work. Although sometimes people "wake up" and decide they have to stop - but they will usually need a strong support network to do so.


The important thing once he reaches that point is to make sure he doesn't just stop drinking altogether. To do it safely requires a gradual progressive reduction in alcohol intake. (eg once stabilised at a particular level - sounds like 20 units per day? - reduce by a couple of units every four days or so until he gets down to a level where he can safely stop. NB - I'm not giving medical advice here - it needs to come from his GP or some other suitably qualified clinician).


Doing this yourself is possible, but requires enormous will power. I used to work for a NHS mental health trust and I understand the easiest and quickest way to stop is an in-patient de-tox, but there's a very long waiting list for that across the country.


As somebody else has posted, you don't knock back 20 units of vodka a night if you're happy. If at all possible, try to address the underlying issues.

Manxman_in_exile

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Sorry to read that your brother is struggling. Given his history it is unlikely he is only drinking at night.

No medical professional would recommend going 'cold turkey' from that intake. Sorry to be blunt but he would be at risk of having seizures and dying. Permanent and irreversible damage to the liver (cirrhosis) usually takes years.

Someone needs to take the car keys off him before a pedestrian or another driver gets hurt. It is not simply about how much alcohol is in his system from a previous drinking session.

Not judging: I know plenty with substance misuse issues, and drink far too much myself.

All of that is correct.


If the parents "know" he's secretly drinking 20 units per night, he's probably drinking more than that and probably suffering withdrawal during the day.


Also it's not being over the limit driving that's the problem so much as the potential consequences. But he won't be thinking of that.


And yes, people who don't understand the problems of alcohol dependency can sometimes come across as being judgmental - which certainly doesn't help.


Good luck OP.

Money_maker

Any chance you could spend some time together (gym, cafe, bowling, hobbies) and maybe he may open up to you?

Racky_Roo

Unfortunately I live an hour and a half away so only see him about once a month. I did suggest us doing something next weekend before my parents return but he’s invited his mate round so they can play on the PS4 all weekend

Baileysonice

Hello Racky Roo you and your family must be at your wits end

I can highly recommend https://smartrecovery.org.uk/ they do both on line and face to face meetings including one online for friends and family. He needs to make the decision himself but you need support too. All free of course

Good luck and hope he decides to change soon for all of your peace of minds

gabriel1980

My brother is an alcoholic. He reached rock bottom and moved back in with our mum for a while.

He was made redundant from his job in the foreign office and got a massive lump sum. His wife left him, he lost all his friends, he lost his license and was eventually sitting in an empty flat with no electricity as he had blown his redundancy on alcohol. My other brother eventually fetched him home to our mum's house.

He seemed to stop drinking very easily and he had like zero money so I don't think he was drinking in secret. He has since moved out and down the country, has a job, girlfriend, car and seems to be liking his life. I'm pretty certain he's starting drinking again though. He's in his mid-fifties and eventually there comes a point where you just have to let them get on with it. Until he realises he has a problem, there's really not much you can do. Just be there when he hits rock-bottom and is willing to accept help.

TripleH

Might there be other issues that he is using drinking as a means to 'manage' or just the shock of redundancy?

It might be worth having a word with his friend if you get a moment alone, to find out if there is something else your brother is not telling you. Or even ask your brother (I accept he might not be forthcoming with you).

It might be a case of trying to deal with the reasons he has made for drinking alcohol and thus dealing with the excess drinking indirectly than trying to tackle it head on?

onwards&upwards

Racky_Roo wrote: »

We've talked about the drink driving and quite honestly I think it would make things worse if he was caught (i'm not saying he does drink drive btw) as he would have to quit his job (if he wasn't sacked) as my parents live in quite a rural location and he would struggle to get anything he could cycle to. Talking to him won't help, they've tried that and even bought some of those testing kits which he's never used.

I’m going to be quite blunt here.

The impact on him doesn’t matter compared to the damage and pain he could cause by driving drunk. He could kill someone, easily, someone’s child, someone’s parent, someone’s husband, wife, sibling, friend.

I really think your parents have a duty to call the police when they think he is driving under the influence. He needs to be stopped.

Manxman_in_exile

Have you or your parents asked any of the organisations you've approached about the driving aspect? They must have ways of dealing with this as it must be a common problem.


I think the answer is obvious (he shouldn't be driving) but how do you achieve this? Contacting the police is one way. (Better to be done for DD than to kill someone).


If he drinks as much as you think (and I suspect it may be more) his driving and judgment must be impaired virtually all the time. When it comes to driving, it's not only him and his family who can be affected.


Sorry, there's no easy answer to this, but there is a simple one. If he really can't see sense about driving he needs to be stopped. Are there no alternatives for getting to work until he can sort himself out.


And sorry again - I'm sort of equivocating here because I don't know how much you and your parents want to report him to the police, even if you need to do so. But when it's too late, it'll be too late.