Alcoholic brother - do I say something?

Manxman_in_exile

I wonder if this gets used much?


https://www.gov.uk/alcohol-problems-and-driving


I note it says "must".

coffeehound

Alcohol problems are often deeply rooted in early childhood. Any domineering, controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parenting, OP? If so it would require a lot of therapy to treat, and probably private rather than NHS funded. “Laziness” in this context is probably another result of the sub-optimal upbringing in that case; it’s a bit of a lose-lose scenario for the victim.

Manxman_in_exile

coffeehound wrote: »

Alcohol problems are often deeply rooted in early childhood. Any domineering, controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parenting, OP? If so it would require a lot of therapy to treat, and probably private rather than NHS funded. “Laziness” in this context is probably another result of the sub-optimal upbringing in that case; it’s a bit of a lose-lose scenario for the victim.

Bit of a broad generalisation? The OP seems to have turned out OK.


People abuse alcohol for a lot of different reasons - some people just like the taste or the social aspect of it, but sometimes this can gradually get out of control and next thing you're a secret drinker. Or they experience some sort of crisis in adult life and turn to drink as an anaesthetic.


Going back to how you've been parented seems a bit "analytical" to me.


The first priority is to get him to reduce and then stop drinking, and then worry about the external causes. (I think).

coffeehound

Manxman_in_exile wrote: »

People abuse alcohol for a lot of different reasons - some people just like the taste or the social aspect of it, but sometimes this can gradually get out of control and next thing you're a secret drinker. Or they experience some sort of crisis in adult life and turn to drink as an anaesthetic.

People who resort to self-medication probably have inadequate coping skills and low self-esteem plus often feelings of guilt or shame though; these are definitely rooted in childhood experience. I don’t disagree with your pragmatic approach to treatment, though.

Manxman_in_exile

coffeehound wrote: »

People who resort to self-medication probably have inadequate coping skills and low self-esteem plus often feelings of guilt or shame though; these are definitely rooted in childhood experience. I don’t disagree with your pragmatic approach to treatment, though.

Possibly. I'm not so sure.

onwards&upwards

coffeehound wrote: »

Alcohol problems are often deeply rooted in early childhood. Any domineering, controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parenting, OP? If so it would require a lot of therapy to treat, and probably private rather than NHS funded. “Laziness” in this context is probably another result of the sub-optimal upbringing in that case; it’s a bit of a lose-lose scenario for the victim.

The OP has told us that the parents have taken him in to their home and desperately want to help.

I think your post is pretty presumptuous. People find themselves struggling with alcohol (or other addictions) for all sorts of reasons, not just parenting.

I say that as a former addict, although not to alcohol.

coffeehound

coffeehound wrote: »

Alcohol problems are often deeply rooted in early childhood. Any domineering, controlling, abusive, or narcissistic parenting, OP? If so it would require a lot of therapy to treat, and probably private rather than NHS funded. “Laziness” in this context is probably another result of the sub-optimal upbringing in that case; it’s a bit of a lose-lose scenario for the victim.

onwards&upwards wrote: »

The OP has told us that the parents have taken him in to their home and desperately want to help.

I think your post is pretty presumptuous. People find themselves struggling with alcohol (or other addictions) for all sorts of reasons, not just parenting.

I say that as a former addict, although not to alcohol.

You seem to have missed the bits in bold.

Primrose

Alcholics are always sadly in denial and probably all you'll achieve is to create an unpleasant atmosphere between you for the week you're staying therefore yiu raise the issue of his drinking directly.

You could show a general interest, ie how's the job going, is he aiming for promotion, you're proud of him that he,s got another job after a bad patch.

Perhaps try to boost his esteem and self confidence and acknowledge his ability to have got over a bad time in the past. That might at least encourage him to value himself a little more and see himself in a more positive light.

It may not make any difference but if your parents are continually nagging him, having some interaction with somebody who sees him as having some positive abilities may just trigger a lightbulb moment or at least encourage him to try and reduce his drinking. .

There,s no point in the two if you falling out. We had a close family relative die of alcoholism so in the end you will have to accept that few alcoholics actually are able to give up.

onwards&upwards

coffeehound wrote: »

You seem to have missed the bits in bold.

No I didn’t.

You don’t know anymore about family dynamics than we’ve been told either,
.

Manxman_in_exile

The question asked is: "Do I say something?"


I think the answer is yes, but how do you broach it without a major confrontation if the drinker is in denial.


Does he demonstrate any "odd" behaviours? Does his physical health seem poor? If "Yes" ask him if everything is OK, is he ill, he looks ill etc. This might encourage him to open up a bit and accept there may be a problem. But it's up to you how far you feel you can push this approach without a family breakup.


(EDIT: When (if?) your brother seeks advice from their GP, the GP may suggest that all the NHS can offer is either an in-patient or a home detox and the waiting list is long. That may not be wholly true. In many parts of the country, the NHS provides other alcohol services either through or in partnership with third sector organisations. These services support people trying to stop drinking and you can usually self-refer. Where I live that NHS funded service is provided by an organisation called "Change, Grow, Live". They are a national charity. Try to find out if they, or some similar body, does the same where your brother lives. CGL also provide support groups for spouses, partners, family etc)