Alcoholic brother - do I say something?

Racky_Roo

My brother started drinking really heavily when he was made redundant 18 months ago. My mum and dad ended up staging an intervention and took him to live with them. He sorted himself out and got a new job which he’s had for 9 months but he’s still living at theirs and drinking - about 1/2 a litre of vodka a night (in secret). M&D have tried to talk to him multiple times but he refuses to admit he has an issue and they’re worried to death he’s either going to get liver failure or end up drinking more and getting caught drink driving.

I’m due to stay at theirs next week to look after the cat but it’s actually it’s more to keep an eye on him and the house. Should I try to talk to him about his drinking and if so any help on what to say? We don’t have a close relationship and he tends to get in a strop over the slightest thing anyway so I don’t really want to fall out with him if he isn’t going to listen anyway.

elsien

If he's drinking that much he hasn't really sorted himself out, has he?

You could try a gentle approach along the lines of if he ever wants to talk/get support then stop if he starts to get shirty.
The momentum for change has to come from him, it won't work otherwise.

Racky_Roo

Well by sort himself out I mean he’s eating, washing and capable of working, which when he moved back home he wasn’t. He looked like a homeless person - skinny, unwashed, hadn’t had a haircut in months and had the shakes for days. I think you’re right, he needs to want to stop drinking and he clearly doesn’t. I suppose he needs to hit rock bottom or have a lightbulb moment

choille

How can he afford to drink that much if he is unemployed?

He does need help but it can only come from him as you know. He does also need to not be molly coddled by having everything done for him - cooking, washing of clothes etc. he does need a 'role' and to be encouraged to function, get another job etc.

lindylootoo

As a functioning alcoholic, it's probably time for him to leave home and accept responsibility for himself. Only when he finds he can't cope will he hopefully ask for help.

Good luck

elsien

choille wrote: »

How can he afford to drink that much if he is unemployed?

He does need help but it can only come from him as you know. He does also need to not be molly coddled by having everything done for him - cooking, washing of clothes etc. he does need a 'role' and to be encouraged to function, get another job etc.

He's not unemployed. Read the OP again.

theoretica

Racky_Roo wrote: »

M&D have tried to talk to him multiple times but he refuses to admit he has an issue and they’re worried to death he’s either going to get liver failure or end up drinking more and getting caught drink driving.

If he is drink driving (including quite possibly the morning after and alcohol still in the blood stream) is it more responsible to ensure he gets caught for merely drink driving, rather than causing an accident?

Savvy_Sue

You and your parents might find Al-Anon helpful - for those affected by someone's else's drinking. You can't help him until he wants to help himself.

Manxman_in_exile

The other posters are correct that he needs to reach a stage where he wants to help himself. Sometimes that requires some sort of crisis. (Unfortunately, functional alcoholics tend to lull themselves into a false sense of security. )


When he reaches that stage he really needs to speak to his GP for advice (and blood tests, liver fibroscan etc.). Local NHS funded services can provide counselling and (most importantly) a safe and progressive plan for reducing and stopping drinking. Many people are aware of going "cold turkey" with heroin addiction, but most people are not aware that, if you are physically dependent on alcohol, the withdrawal symptoms from just stopping drinking can have fatal consequences. (In fact I think withdrawal from alcohol and benzodiazepines are the only drugs where withdrawal can be fatal).


If he's drinking 20 units of alcohol per night he really should not be driving next day. But he'll think he's ok. A rough rule of thumb is it takes one hour for your liver to process one unit of alcohol - so that's 20 hours.


I believe there can be two causes for the "shakes". One is having drunk way too much. The other, more common reason, is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal - and that is potentially fatal. If a medical professional thinks you have symptoms of alcohol withdrawal they'll advise you to have a drink.


Living with an alcoholic can be a nightmare, but it is possible for them to stop, given the correct advice.


You, or your parents, could also try seeking advice from your own GPs and/or Drinkaware.


https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/


EDIT: Some people can suffer severe health problems on relatively little alcohol; some people can abuse alcohol for years with little apparent effect. But it will catch up with them. However, it's also never too late to stop.

ska_lover

To be honest, he likely full well knows himself he has issues - as a functioning alcoholic he hasn't totally lost himself, he has the ability to work, think for himself etc

Everyone I have ever known who drink to this extreme, has been self medicating for something. EG Unhappiness, anxiety, depression, any other mental health disorder. Until the underlying causes are resolved or treated, the drinking will not stop as drinking is a sticking plaster for something

People don't do half a litre a night, if they are happy

Don't bring it up. It sounds like it has been brought up before - and as you are not that close, it will only upset him - and you - and your parents.

if you are not close to him, you are not the right person and you will be bringing it up for your parents sakes, not for his sake. It is not the right reason at all to tell someone to stop drinking because someone else is unhappy about it - HE needs to make the choice

Just my thoughts.

Fire_Fox

Sorry to read that your brother is struggling. Given his history it is unlikely he is only drinking at night.

No medical professional would recommend going 'cold turkey' from that intake. Sorry to be blunt but he would be at risk of having seizures and dying. Permanent and irreversible damage to the liver (cirrhosis) usually takes years.

Someone needs to take the car keys off him before a pedestrian or another driver gets hurt. It is not simply about how much alcohol is in his system from a previous drinking session.

Not judging: I know plenty with substance misuse issues, and drink far too much myself.