My Financial Contributions In Relationship

dilemma10

Hi All,

Hope you can advise me as I am pulling my hair out with this one. My other half owned a flat (I rented). We decided to buy somewhere together but it was clear from the start I did not have a deposit so I did say, let me save up and contribute. Other half was impatient and said he would prop up the sale with the equity from his sale. I did a declaration of trust to protect this for him as it was a large sum of money (80k).

This was a year and a half ago and the idea was that I would still contribute 50% towards the stamp duty, legal fees and other such costs (written into the declaration for me too).

I have paid back approx. 50% of that in 1.5 years, the reason being that we decided to decorate the entire house (which I paid half towards too), go on luxury holidays (which I paid half towards too).

Every now and then he flips out at me and when we get to the bottom of it he says he is sick of me owing him money still. Now, I would absolutely get this but the man refuses to fly anything less than business class on holidays which means I also have to pay thousands just for a flight (I know this sounds ridiculous...) sometimes he pays for my flight because of it, so that's nice...but, we are always on holiday or doing something expensive and as a result I have worked out that of the cash I have available to pay off the above "debt", 85% of it has been spent on doing the house up, paying him back or going on holiday.

I have said, numerous times, I cannot service all of the above - something needs to be prioritised if he keeps having a go at me for the money. By the way, he is absolutely not destitute (owns two cars, always buying big expensive gadgets, always out entertaining etc.) if he were, obviously I would categorically refuse to go on all holidays referenced above and not do the house up.

Am I in the wrong? Have I lost the plot with this one?

Smellyonion

My first question would be- is there is a big income/ wealth gap between the both of you?


If he is substantially wealthier, expecting you to pay half is simply not fair. It should be a proportionally equivalent. Ie if he spends 10% of his salary flying business class then should spend 10% not 50:50 of the pure cost. If he does not see this then this relationship has a huge power imbalance and is not healthy. You should also be strong enough to refuse to supplement this lifestyle.

dilemma10

Smellyonion wrote: »

My first question would be- is there is a big income/ wealth gap between the both of you?


If he is substantially wealthier, expecting you to pay half is simply not fair. It should be a proportionally equivalent. Ie if he spends 10% of his salary flying business class then should spend 10% not 50:50 of the pure cost. If he does not see this then this relationship has a huge power imbalance and is not healthy. You should also be strong enough to refuse to supplement this lifestyle.

Many thanks for your response, I appreciate it. The wealth gap is difficult to explain. In terms of salary, not massively, BUT, he is ten years older, I have not always earned what I do today ( in fact in 3/4 years have had a £30k pay rise. I pay out more for pension, car etc. He gets his car included and doesn't pay for a student loan. I would say the monthly different therefore is probably £1k.

He also gets a lot of help (which don't get me wrong benefits us both). His Mum paid off a credit car last year of 4/5k, she regularly gives him money at Christmas etc and paid out massively for our house stuff (gave him another 5k just for stuff we needed when we moved in). So I would say yes.

He also used to get massive quarterly bonuses -5k+ every three months at one point!

74jax

My husband has around 4k more a month than me, and so we both pay a % towards bills rather than 50 / 50. Could you suggest this to allow more spare money to pay off debts etc.

If his parents paid off his credit card and he didn't, if they give him money to buy things in the house so he doesn't have to, then he doesn't see HOW to pay off debts, others do it for him.

Comms69

dilemma10 wrote: »

Hi All,

Hope you can advise me as I am pulling my hair out with this one. My other half owned a flat (I rented). We decided to buy somewhere together but it was clear from the start I did not have a deposit so I did say, let me save up and contribute. Other half was impatient and said he would prop up the sale with the equity from his sale. I did a declaration of trust to protect this for him as it was a large sum of money (80k).

This was a year and a half ago and the idea was that I would still contribute 50% towards the stamp duty, legal fees and other such costs (written into the declaration for me too).

I have paid back approx. 50% of that in 1.5 years, the reason being that we decided to decorate the entire house (which I paid half towards too), go on luxury holidays (which I paid half towards too).

Every now and then he flips out at me and when we get to the bottom of it he says he is sick of me owing him money still. Now, I would absolutely get this but the man refuses to fly anything less than business class on holidays which means I also have to pay thousands just for a flight (I know this sounds ridiculous...) sometimes he pays for my flight because of it, so that's nice...but, we are always on holiday or doing something expensive and as a result I have worked out that of the cash I have available to pay off the above "debt", 85% of it has been spent on doing the house up, paying him back or going on holiday.

I have said, numerous times, I cannot service all of the above - something needs to be prioritised if he keeps having a go at me for the money. By the way, he is absolutely not destitute (owns two cars, always buying big expensive gadgets, always out entertaining etc.) if he were, obviously I would categorically refuse to go on all holidays referenced above and not do the house up.

Am I in the wrong? Have I lost the plot with this one?

Regardless of his financial situation, if you owe him the money I can understand that the principle is important. It's not an equal partnership if you owe him money and aren't paying it back.


I don't think you can say "well you're well off, so it's not important".


Now if you aren't happy with it, or equally he isn't, then ultimately the relationship will end.


How he spends his money isn't relevant in anyway to this to be honest. It's how you split your finances and if you've agreed 50/50 on this, then it's not fair that you don't make the effort to pay.

dilemma10

Comms69 wrote: »

Regardless of his financial situation, if you owe him the money I can understand that the principle is important. It's not an equal partnership if you owe him money and aren't paying it back.


I don't think you can say "well you're well off, so it's not important".


Now if you aren't happy with it, or equally he isn't, then ultimately the relationship will end.


How he spends his money isn't relevant in anyway to this to be honest. It's how you split your finances and if you've agreed 50/50 on this, then it's not fair that you don't make the effort to pay.

Thanks, that's a useful angle for me. Honestly, I don't see it as he's well off so it's not important what I think the issue is - is that I physically cannot prioritise it as he sets off numerous house projects that I have to pay off and then wants to go on holidays which are expensive.

I'll just have to grit my teeth it seems and see what I can do to pay it back quickly.

Comms69

dilemma10 wrote: »

Thanks, that's a useful angle for me. Honestly, I don't see it as he's well off so it's not important what I think the issue is - is that I physically cannot prioritise it as he sets off numerous house projects that I have to pay off and then wants to go on holidays which are expensive. - So say no?

I'll just have to grit my teeth it seems and see what I can do to pay it back quickly.

Anyway you've had issued for 4+ years. Which clearly haven't been addressed. That is the core of this.




https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5779386/some-of-the-things-he-says


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5572007/need-sound-advice-regarding-relationship-issue-break-up

Candyapple

dilemma10 wrote: »

Every now and then he flips out at me and when we get to the bottom of it he says he is sick of me owing him money still. Now, I would absolutely get this but the man refuses to fly anything less than business class on holidays which means I also have to pay thousands just for a flight (I know this sounds ridiculous...) sometimes he pays for my flight because of it, so that's nice...but, we are always on holiday or doing something expensive and as a result I have worked out that of the cash I have available to pay off the above "debt", 85% of it has been spent on doing the house up, paying him back or going on holiday.

He can’t have it both ways – either he wants his money back, or he wants you to accompany him on expensive holidays. If he wants to fly business class but doesn’t want to pay for your flight too, if you can’t afford it, then your choice is that you don’t go or opt for economy seating if available. It's that simple. If he chooses to pay for you – then that should be seen as a gift and the onus is on him to be happy with his decision and not expect repayment of that too down the line.

I would put my foot down and categorically state that you only have x-amount left at the end of every month available for repayment to him. If he wants you to go on nice holidays then that will have to come later down the line once your debt to him is repaid. If you keep spreading yourself thin, you’ll never clear the debt and your relationship will only fester over time as he harbours feelings of ill will against you.

Ganga

It does not sound like a normal loving relationship,more like two people sharing a house/bills etc.

Skibunny40

What about just refusing to go on holiday / doing home improvements and when he queries why, explain that you're saving to repay your debt to him.

pinkshoes

You owe him money and he clearly has an issue with this.

You need to take a look at your take home pay, then put aside as much as possible each month.

If he has credit card debts yet is flying business class, then it suggests he is living beyond his means...