Milocat's Long Road Home..

in Debt free diaries
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  • Kitten868Kitten868 Forumite
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    Hello there,

    Your diary has drawn me in twice now so I thought I should comment :)

    Why can't your partner complete the step change process himself? You don't need to shoulder all of the worry yourself and he needs to see where his actions have led you both. Also he's home in the day to deal with the calls. Not stressing like you to fit the calls in.

    I can tell your touchy about why you don't expect him to get a new job, why you don't pay any housing costs and can get debt against the house and why you're not willing to push him to make sacrifices on the tv packages but I think you need to work out why. Why it's ok to have you and your daughter go without but not him. You do deserve better. You've said how your ex has saddled you with £10k of debt to deal with but sounds like your current partner is getting you into much more. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or call you stupid. I think most women do it. I just want you to see that deserve more. You deserve to feel more financially secure. You're making the sacrifices so can he. You're working so hard and it should pay off. Keep going as you're making headway xxx
    Loan 1 £5200/£8000
    Loan 2 £300/£5800
    Total £5500/£13800
  • Kitten868Kitten868 Forumite
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    Have you looked at now tv passes for the sports?

    Also please tell me why netflix and Amazon are £10 each? We pay £5.99 for netflix and it was £7.99 for prime x
    Loan 1 £5200/£8000
    Loan 2 £300/£5800
    Total £5500/£13800
  • milocatmilocat Forumite
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    Kitten868 wrote: »
    Have you looked at now tv passes for the sports?

    Also please tell me why netflix and Amazon are £10 each? We pay £5.99 for netflix and it was £7.99 for prime x

    Netflix is £9.99 because we have HD and Multiscreen on it so all the kids can watch it at once on different devices. Amazon isn't actually £10, but I round up because I prefer to overestimate than under haha. We tried the Now TV passes but for the amount of sport OH (and his dad when he comes down, which is regularly) watch, it isn't worth doing.

    My OH probably could do it himself, but he gets anxious about talking on the phone, and a whole host of other really specific things, that if you asked me I'd say it was social anxiety related, and if you asked him he would say he just doesn't like it. He has unmedicated ADHD and it basically causes a whole host of issues around impulse control and executive dysfunction so in order for us to actually function I need to take on the majority of the "looking after". Unfortunately he is very "old-school" and doesn't believe that medication helps anything, won't see a doctor unless its life-threatening, and has generally only in the last few years really opened himself up to seeing that people are ill in all sorts of different ways. It's an ongoing process.

    Initially my ex saddled me with £18000 but I've paid a chunk of it off. He also took most of the furniture when I told him I wanted a divorce, leaving me in the house with his one year old daughter, a bed, and a dining table. It was messy to say the least and I still count finding the strength to leave him as one of the best things I've ever done. My OH is not great with money but he isn't malicious in any way, it is always well intended, if a little scatter brained.

    I apologise if I'm coming across as being touchy, that's really not my intent at all. I've just read too many threads on here where people tear into SOA's and it scares me because while I know I could cut right back to the bone, I also know that I've tried that and it really really doesn't work for me. I can stick to it for about 4 days, just like an extreme diet, and then I crash and spend a lot, or eat a lot or whatever it is. I could be debt free in the space of 5 years if I applied myself, but quality of life is really important to me as well and I know my weaknesses. It's one of the reasons I started writing here again, I want to make sure I keep myself accountable. The debt this time is mine as well, and a large chunk of it is from moving to this house, and buying lots of lovely furniture that we should have saved up for and didn't. Lesson learned I guess. There's lessons to be learned in everything if you look hard enough!

    ANYWAY, thank you for commenting and reading my ramblings, I do really appreciate it and any input that is given.
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
  • CCW007CCW007 Forumite
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    milocat wrote: »
    He said he needs a total financial overhaul, and he's happy to not have a good credit rating if it means we are no longer drowning.

    Maybe trashing his credit rating could be a good thing if it prevents him from getting access to any more credit, would he be prepared to close the accounts he currently has?
  • teafor2teafor2 Forumite
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    Evening Milocat :) I think how other people see things looking from the outside in can be fairly wide of the mark at times, but their observations can also make you stop and think and question why you're actually doing things the way you are. And I don't just mean you personally, I mean people in general - myself included.

    The main thing is when you've mulled over what other people have said, you feel happy with how you're both going to be dealing with the situation from now on. If you are, that's fine. If not, a different perspective might help you to make some changes as you go along.

    I do know what you mean about SOA's. I read some and most of the replies are really helpful but some can be quite direct :o I'm sure they're all meant with good intentions though. xx
  • joeyjimblesjoeyjimbles Forumite
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    Still think you're a superstar.

    And to save you looking, here is the link for the e-rewards surveys sign up.

    https://www.nectar.com/brands/e-rewards

    It's not a referral link, don't even know if they do them, but I'm evangelical about them as they add up. Also, don't wait for them to email you each time there's a survey - they will but there's an easier, quicker way, just keep one of their invitation emails on your inbox and keep using it to access the surveys. The website will often, at the end of the survey, say that there are none left, but it's worth clicking the link in the email again just in case - I often get a few more that way and I easily get the equivalent of £10+ a week just by checking a few times a day. You also get 10 points (5p) if you're screened out which is better than nothing.
    Ms 05.23 £80.00/£80.00 (100%)
    AP 08.23 £95.00/£95.00 (100%)
    D+ 09.23 £80.00/£80.00 (100%)
    BP 10.23 £60.00/£60.00 (100%)

    NF 02.23 £16.00/£16.00 £64.00/£24.00

    X23 £1000.00/£0001.00
    Renewal 24 £600.00/£000.00

  • milocatmilocat Forumite
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    CCW007 wrote: »
    Maybe trashing his credit rating could be a good thing if it prevents him from getting access to any more credit, would he be prepared to close the accounts he currently has?

    Absolutely agree with you. He has agreed to close the accounts, although I think that is part of the automatic process with Stepchange anyway so he doesn't have much choice.

    teafor2 yes I agree, all meant with good intentions but nonetheless intimidating. Its rare for me to have people be so straight with me in real life, so perhaps that's why I get defensive. :o

    joeyjimbles you are too kind. Thanks for the link! We get all our fuel at Sainsburies so it will definitely come in useful. I only actually got a Nectar card about 3 months ago, I shudder to think how many points I've missed out on up to this point.

    Stepchange emailed me out the paperwork we need OH to sign to set up the DMP. They spelled his name wrong... Think John instead of James. I've had to ring and get them to amend it at 8am this morning, which is far too early to be dealing with this type of thing.

    FIL turned up last night and treated us to a curry, which was both delicious and generous of him, and we had a nice evening talking about music and history. I excused myself to bed when it turned to politics though; while I love them, they are very different politically from me and so I refuse to discuss it with them in case it all goes south. ;)

    Its little one's sports day today, so I have a half day at work to go watch her. She's spent the morning telling me she is going to "run like Sonic" but somehow I think it will be more like an octopus on land. She's SO easily distracted - last year she ran over to hug me instead of running to the finish line. She was only 3, but still... :rotfl:

    DMP agreement signature thing is printed and ready to be signed, then scanned and emailed back over tomorrow morning. I need to call my old energy provider and ask for account number and outstanding balance, then I will have all the debts in one place to put on the list tonight.

    I've been thinking about debt the last couple of days and here is what I've concluded. While the initial buzz of purchasing things, or smartening up your home, or getting new clothes that don't cut into your waistband because you've put on a lot of weight from binge eating Aero bubbles is fun. It is SO shortlived. And then you are left with guilt, and misery and stress. And it is not worth it in any way. We as humans are wired towards short term gratification, especially in today's culture of now now now. And it is a process to learn how to delay that easy fix, especially as it can be addictive. I'm hoping I can rewire the need to please into camping and hiking and memories, and not just buying things.
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
  • natsplatnatnatsplatnat Forumite
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    milocat wrote: »
    I've been thinking about debt the last couple of days and here is what I've concluded. While the initial buzz of purchasing things, or smartening up your home, or getting new clothes that don't cut into your waistband because you've put on a lot of weight from binge eating Aero bubbles is fun. It is SO shortlived. And then you are left with guilt, and misery and stress. And it is not worth it in any way. We as humans are wired towards short term gratification, especially in today's culture of now now now. And it is a process to learn how to delay that easy fix, especially as it can be addictive. I'm hoping I can rewire the need to please into camping and hiking and memories, and not just buying things.


    Perfectly put!
    start = Wed 19th Nov 2008 £21,225
    end = Mon 28th Sept 2015 DEBT FREE!
    I love a good plan - it may not work.... but I love a good plan!
  • teafor2teafor2 Forumite
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    Morning Milocat :) Smiling at your DD running over to hug you instead of aiming for the finish line - now that sort of thing is worth it's weight in gold :)

    I think you've perfectly summed up the "I want it all and I want it now" world we live in. That realisation will take you far on your journey.

    Have a lovely day. xx
  • milocatmilocat Forumite
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    Stepchange have been contacted! We have set up a new plan. Between us we have 16 debts (not including the conservatory and the car that I can't put into the DMP because we would lose them/the hosue if I did), that total £24,800 approximately. We will be repaying £92 a month to Stepchange. My monthly debt repayments have gone from £ 1,252, down to £438.
    It took almost 2 hours to complete everything on the phone, and I still need to send off the proof of income to them, and ring and cancel the direct debits to the creditors and ask for 30 days grace while Stepchange is set up. But the relief is already palpable.

    PS. My little one repeated her trick of running to hug me... twice. She also came dead last in almost every race she ran BUT she had a lot of fun, and when we got home we cooked hot dogs on the barbecue for her and played in the sunshine. SO all around it was a lovely day. x
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
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