Milocat's Long Road Home..

in Debt free diaries
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  • milocatmilocat Forumite
    175 Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Siebrie wrote: »
    Hi Milocat, it seems you have a lot on your plate, and your husband has added to that, instead of helping you eat it. May I suggest you clear your own debts first? Pocket money for him may be useful, for instance £5 per week, which should also be used for any hobbies he has (smoking? Drinking? Nights out with mates?). If he goes stircrazy in the house, maybe he could find a side-job or handyman's work to do? Your inheritance should not be spent already, that comment made me really mad.

    It may help you if you could post a Statement of Affairs here, so that we can make suggestions on where to cut costs.


    Hi, thanks for your reply, especially re: SOA. I'm still in the process of adjusting my budget on a regular basis, so until we have managed a month and I'm sure of the ins and outs, I will temporarily hold off. It will happen though!

    As regards OH - I agree his attitude is infuriating. He's had plenty of money throughout his twenties and is struggling greatly with the adjustment of suddenly not having a disposable income. He works very hard in a very physically demanding job so I would like to avoid him doing any more than that (unless absolutely necessary of course). Now we have a joint account I'd like to pay him pocket money into his regular account, and then once its gone it would be gone.

    When I was in university I worked behind a bar and I used to make a game out of seeing if I could survive the week on tips alone. I got very good at being thrifty - unfortunately for me, the men in my life (both ex-HB and OH) have had the opposite mentality, and combined with my inability to say no, this has led to a lot of trouble. Its only in the last month over soundbargate that I managed to put my foot down and tell OH, no we will not be spending an additional £1k to buy a soundbar when you can just change the setting on the very expensive television you purchased. It shocked me when the world didn't end, he didn't sulk, and we were able to move on with our day - with ex-HB it would have been endless tantrums and aggression until I said yes.

    Speaking of standing up for myself - I just went to Boots on lunch and got some deo and shower gel for OH on offer - it should have cost me £3 but it rang through at £4.99. I queried it after double checking and got my £1.99 refund - very mse of me :D

    I've also had a call back from one of the jobs I applied for this morning - they have passed my CV on and if shortlisted will call back next week for a more formal telephone interview. Fingers crossed!
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
  • SiebrieSiebrie Forumite
    2.6K Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Well done on queriing, and well done on saying 'no' and standing firm!
    Are you wombling, too, in '22? € 58,96 = £ 52.09Wombling in Restrictive Times (2021) € 2.138,82 = £ 1,813.15Wombabeluba 2020! € 453,22 = £ 403.842019's wi-wa-wombles € 2.244,20 = £ 1,909.46Wombling to wealth 2018 € 972,97 = £ 879.54Still a womble 2017 #25 € 7.116,68 = £ 6,309.50Wombling Free 2016 #2 € 3.484,31 = £ 3,104.59
  • teafor2teafor2 Forumite
    3.3K Posts
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Afternoon Milo :) I think I'd be lost for words as well regarding the inheritance comment - it's like counting the days down to somebody in your family passing away :o I very much agree though, he should not be ear-marking your money to clear his debts again.

    It sounds like your OH has a live for today attitude and in a way it's a bit of a cop out handing the reins over to you, although I can understand why that probably feels the best way to do things at the moment. He needs to accept his days of buying soundbars for £1k are over for now ;)

    I think packed lunches for your DD is a good idea especially if she's coming home to a hot meal anyway.

    I'd do exactly the same as you with the debts. Small ones first so they get paid off and I can see something for the hard work I'm putting in :D

    I really hope this works out for you and hopefully OH will come more on board as time goes on although it sounds like it might take a while.

    Keep posting because when you do your SOA that's when you'll get loads of good advice. Have a lovely afternoon. xx
  • milocatmilocat Forumite
    175 Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic

    Beergate occurred last night -OH works Mon-Thurs so he wanted beer and I explained that we have £45 spare including camping money until Friday, and that it wasn't possible. That's twice this month I've said no to him. :whistle: We ended up eating the slow-cooker curry I made, and then he fell asleep on the sofa whilst watching Hannibal (the film, not the series. Also not a film I recommend watching while you're eating but there you go).

    This morning we had a chat about it. He's basically aware that "needs must" is the way forward, but is bored by the prospect of meal planning etc and doing nothing but sitting in, eating and watching telly. I had to bite my lip to stop myself mentioning the reason we are in this situation is partially because of the extortionate TV you bought. We did come up with some other ideas though; card games, adult colouring, picnics and hiking are all things we can do together for no cost. If anyone has any other ideas, suggestions are very much welcome. I want to make this fun!

    He did give me a cuddle and say that he would rather be poor and with me than rich and alone. So even though I feel awful for having to impose all these regulations on our lives, it is for the best and I'm hoping he can see that. This is the first month we haven't had to fall back on the CC's just to get by and also the first month that all the essential bills have actually been paid in... well. Years.

    It irritates me no end that if not for prior recklessness with money then we could have financed our dream of a camper van and gone on weekend trips already. However, it is nice to think that hopefully moneysaving will become a habit for us, so by the time I do inherit, it will be spent and saved wisely.

    It looks like once the chores are done tomorrow (including cleaning the car) we will go for a walk and a picnic before coming back to get the incinerator\fire going. I'm really starting to look forward to a quiet few hours to myself on Sunday. My hobbies are reading and cross-stitch and watching trashy television... Not terribly thrilling. I do like going camping, playing badminton and hiking as well, but those are more hobbies we have together rather than just hobbies for milocat. The thing about reading and cross-stitch is that it's not very sociable. I was an only child growing up so solitary hobbies were great. Now I'm afraid they make me come across as 'boring'. I'd really like to take up rock climbing but I can't think of when to fit it in, not to mention that it costs £8.95 a session. Do any MSE'rs have good hobbies? I love to hear what other people are passionate about.

    Not much else to mention, last six hours now then 3 day weekend will roll around. :T

    Finance Summary
    Joint Account total £0.01
    My account total £83.64
    OH account total £0.00

    Bills this week
    [strike]Car finance £207 25th May [/strike]
    Car insurance £40 29th May

    Money due in
    [strike]Child Benefit £82.80[/strike]
    Wages £200 23rd May
    Wages £1400 31st May
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
  • Choccygirl123Choccygirl123 Forumite
    1K Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Morning milo

    Well done for keeping firm and saying no. My hubby isn't great with money and it seems to burn a hole. We both have a set amount of pocket money that is for personal spends. It's taken a few years but finally he's twigged he can't have new trainers, a night on the pop then trip to footy with the lads.

    Good luck with the job applications I'm sure you'll find something soon.
    2023 Savings Challenges
    1 to 500 pence grid challenge from extra income from selling, surveys & cashback
    Total £286.59 / target by Xmas 2023 £1252.50

    Save between £1-£52 a week - random generated numbers to save each week
    Total Saved £259/ £1378

    Debt Overpayments
    9/2/23 - Total for year £650 (£600 tax return)
  • teafor2teafor2 Forumite
    3.3K Posts
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Afternoon Milo - have to say the names you give your conundrums amuse me. Sounds like OH is testing the boundaries but was quite OK with beergate not coming off. ;)

    I've no suggestions regarding hobbies you can do together, me and OH very much have our own interests. Mine are like yours but probably because I have 3 siblings - I think even now the chance for peace and quiet and time to myself is still a massive plus for me.

    CG's idea of pocket money is a good one. That way nobody feels like the other is having too much. Spend it on what you want without comments from the other, but once it's gone it's gone. If you really like the idea of rock climbing maybe that's something you could treat yourself to once a month. You seem to be shouldering a big chunk of this so something to look forward to might be just what you need to keep motivated.

    Have a lovely Bank Holiday weekend. xx
  • edited 24 May 2019 at 8:08PM
    Spendy_SpendersonSpendy_Spenderson Forumite
    35 Posts
    Second Anniversary
    edited 24 May 2019 at 8:08PM
    Hi Milo,

    Just read through your diary and a number of things stuck out for me:

    In your opening post you mention that you've had to work seriously hard to unlearn some bad habits, namely "killing myself financially to support my partner". You seemed to be referring to your Ex-HB but it seems to me that history is repeating itself with your new partner? Please do remember that you've unlearned that habit and don't let the cycle continue. Just be aware that you are not there to clean up other people's mistakes when they are old enough to know better. He should not be expecting you to burden the responsibility of everything, and whilst I understand that you taking control of finances means you have some peace of mind over what's being spent, I don't think he will learn anything from this - just as he doesn't appear to have learned anything from you paying off his credit cards twice over. He's continued to spend on them, and more, leaving you much worse off than before. It's almost the same logic as to why a consolidation loan doesn't work - it doesn't actually teach people anything or change their inherent bad habits. Beergate and Soundbargate are signs that he does not realise the seriousness of the situation and isn't on the same page as you, potentially not even the same book. I think if you are going to be successful in fighting this debt longterm then he needs to be fully onboard with adjusting how you live and making sacrifices. Not thinking it's all ok as one day YOUR inheritance will pay off all his frivolous spending.

    You mention you feel awful for having to impose all these regulations on your lives but remember these are due to his recent and reckless spending with the credit cards. You are not imposing anything, you are trying to create a better, more secure and reliable way of living for your blended family. He's needs to take responsibility for being part of this work too, not fight you every step of the way.

    Lastly you mention that it's hard to be in charge of everything all the time, housework, finances, actual job, children etc. The two of you are a unit and I think that if you've now stepped up to take over the responsibility for the finances, he should step up and take responsibility for another area of your joint life, not sit back and leave everything to you. That could be that he takes over the cleaning or the meal-planning and cooking but it should be something. Your plates need to be equally balanced here. Maybe that will also give him something to do at the weekends that stops him going stir-crazy or needing to go out spending money that you don't have.

    I really hope this doesn't come across as harsh, I mean it with the best of intention but just wanted to highlight areas in your last few posts that really struck a cord and stood out. I wish you the best of luck, you sound really determined and I hope your partner can get onboard and provide you with the support you deserve.


  • milocatmilocat Forumite
    175 Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Hi everyone, just wanted to drop a quick note to say I'm not dead!

    I started a new (permanent) job last Monday, and my other half has agreed his debts can go to Stepchange so instead of paying £995+ a month on his debts, I only have to cover the car which is on finance in his grandfather's name and the conservatory which is on finance in his name, but attached to the house so HAS TO BE PAID. My only thought is that a) it will trash his credit rating to go to SC and he is the only one of the two of us with a decent credit score and b) I don't know if I can just add his debts on to my DMP or if I have to set him one up seperately? Advice is welcome. I don't suppose we need him to have good credit, because we aren't planning on taking anything else out on credit, but still.

    Longer update to come shortly, typing this at work and don't want to get caught x
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
  • Thick_n_ThinThick_n_Thin Forumite
    329 Posts
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Posts
    Hi milocat,
    I’ve just read through your diary and I just wanted to offer my point of view, I agree with a couple of the other posters previously who have said that your other half really needs to shoulder some responsibility with all of this, your not his parent and he shouldn’t be treated as one he needs to be shoulder to shoulder with you on this. I’m not saying that his good intentions are not there but there will come a time when you are not always strong enough to say no to his demands and may give in to him for an easy life if he gets you at a weak moment. I don’t know what the solution is though. For a long time I was ( and still am) the spendy one in my relationship and because I am the main breadwinner I justified that as my reason for overspending. My oh is frugal by nature not because he is tight but has never been in a well paid job so has always had to watch what he spends. I got us into a lot of debt because o wanted things there and then and was never prepared to save up for anything, you name it Caribbean holidays, clothes, nights out, weeekends away, household stuff has all gone on credit cards and loans. I am finally on the same page as my other half but it has taken me 20 odd years to get here and I still have relapses, I guess what I’m saying is if you don’t have shared values on things like money and finances it’s going to be a very difficult road. My major wake up call was the thought of heading into retirement with debt. Do you mind me asking how old you both are?
    I hope you are not offended by my observations and feel free to ignore. X
    Aiming to be mortgage free in 3 years June 2023. 
    May 2020 - £63,493
    Jan 2021 - £56,145
    April 2022 - £44,750
  • milocatmilocat Forumite
    175 Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Hi milocat,
    Do you mind me asking how old you both are?
    I hope you are not offended by my observations and feel free to ignore. X

    Hi Thick n Thin. I'm 28, he's 36. I got some bad news at the weekend and we went for a drive. We sat and talked for a few hours in the rain, something about the noise of the rain on the roof and the roar of the sea meant I was able to think clearly and also relax a bit. We talked about the fact that I don't want to be the kind of person that relies on credit, and I would like us to work towards saving up for things rather than just putting it on a card and forgetting about it. He said he needs a total financial overhaul, and he's happy to not have a good credit rating if it means we are no longer drowning. I do not want to keep up with the Joneses any more. I have a lovely house and a lovely family and I want to focus on that working, rather than the latest shiny gadget. (Which is all well and good until I get distracted by shiny gadgets such as the Samsung smart watch that would link to my phone... I don't need it, it's purely a want and I will deprive myself of this want until I can afford it, in approximately 300 years time.)

    I rang Stepchange last night but it was too late to do the budget review and add on the debts, so will ring them again tonight before 5pm to make sure I've got enough time to get it all done.

    OH is unfortunately no longer employed. so I'm beyond glad he's agreed to Stepchange otherwise I would officially collapse from stress. We still have a holiday to pay off. We are due to take the kids away in October. It was an impulsive idea agreed upon by him and his sister, and I assumed we would be okay because we had several months to pay it off. We have looked into cancelling it but we would lose ALL the money we've already paid (approx £1500) so that's not an option. We only have about £500 left to pay, which isn't too bad, given that we are paying for six of us to go all inclusive for a week, including transfers and flights and baggage. It's causing me no end of panic though, I have to get my passport renewed, and lose about 2 stone so I don't look like a beached whale at the side of the pool. It's our last major spend that needs to be done. We've done nothing but camp for the holidays for the last 3 years, usually in fields that contain 2 portaloos and a tap. It will be such a treat for the small ones, as they've never been abroad before, but I can't help but be racked with guilt about it now as it's just another expense on my list and we are now down to only my income. The only real positive to OH not working any more is that he can pick my little one up from school every day, saving me £50 a week in childcare, plus he is saving £80 a week on fuel costs as he no longer needs to drive to his job. Honestly once Stepchange is in place, we will actually be in a better position for him being at home than we were when he was working, and my little one can attend Brownies and learn to swim and go to the park and do all the things with him that I'm always home too late to do.

    This entire entry is a mess, I'm sorry.

    I did write out our budget, but I'm embarrassed to post it. We spend SO MUCH MONEY on television each month, but we use all of it between us and the kids and I'm loathe to change it because it is literally about my only hobby at this point apart from going to the library. To sum up the budget, for a household of 3 (and every other weekend 7+ depending on what family is staying) I spend £1400 a month. Not including whatever payment amount I agree on with Stepchange tonight, and the money I need to pay off the holiday. If it wasn't for the car and the conservatory, that would be under £1000. And between us we have (again, not including the car and the conservatory) £23,500 in debt approximately - £10,000 of which is a lovely gift from my ex husband.

    My head is all over the place today so I'm going to finish up. I just hope that Stepchange works and we can learn from all the stupid mistakes we've made.
    Laura 20.08.14 ♡ Ivy 05.07.13
    "...within me there lay an invincible summer."
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