Having children but sure if you really want to.

Georgiepie

ripplyuk wrote: »

I’ve always known that I would never want children. I’ve often been surprised by the answers people give as to why they decided to have children. Things like ‘I need someone to look after me when I’m old’ (So, born with a job), or ‘I liked the thought of living on forever through my genes’ (which again seems self-centred). Other people didn’t have a reason at all, just apathy about birth control. With many people, it isn’t that they want children, it’s a fear of regret.

To me, none of these are good enough reasons. I think the only people who should have children are those who desperately want them and literally cannot bear the thought of life without them.

Quite a few of the people I know with children have said they had them because "it's the done thing" or because "it's normal". Also amazed at how many had them because they were accidents!

Hardly any of them say they actually discussed it with their partners. Me and DH discussed at length whether to have children or not.

I have been asked who will look after me when I am old and also told I will be very lonely if my DH dies before me because I have no children.

As you say, no one should have children so they have someone to look after them. There is never a guarantee of that anyway. My previous next door neighbour was 93. She had had 4 children but all died before her. Her grandchildren lived miles away

Claddagh_Noir

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Having children so someone can look after you when you get older is the height of stupidity as well as deeply selfish. There is no guarantee the child(ren) will be resident in the same country as you, no guarantee have sufficient free time (working long hours to support their own family), they may have health problems of their own, or you may have a difficult relationship.

You beat me to saying this. I firmly stand by this too. Also, how do you even know your children will outlive you?

easterbunni

I don't want kids for various reasons:

Why contribute to an already overpopulated planet that is dying
It's a pretty nasty process to go through pregnancy and it might kill me or leave me with ongoing pain or issues
I don't want kids that might turn out to be lazy or criminals or whatever
I couldn't deal with having to raise a disabled child
I don't really like people - I would rather give unwanted animals a safe home
I like my stuff not being destroyed by creatures that can reason and understand when you tell them not to eat chocolate on the sofa but do it anyway
Children bore me or I have nothing to say when they come out with their weird stuff

sourcrates

I never wanted kids, I was always a bit of a “jack the lad”, loved the ladies, but not the commitment, like so many other young men at the time, I valued my freedom, and I still do now.

Then I met a woman and fell in love, i was 36, she was 29, we had 3 kids, and were together for 13 years, things happen, as they do, we got divorced, kids live with her now, we are still friends, I see the kids all the time, my eldest has just had a daughter of her own, so now I’m a grandad, yes they argue and fight, but I would not change things at all, they certainly change your life.

My son is autistic, so he’s a challenge of a different kind, but he is so clever in so many ways, you can give him a lump of modelling clay, or blue tac, and he can make the most detailed model of a dinosaur you have ever seen, kids can be amazing in many ways.

Mrs_Soup

Sea_Shell wrote: »

I've actually been told I'm selfish for not wanting children!!! As if it automatically makes you a "me, me, me" person.

This is completely illogical though isn’t it? How is not having children any more selfish than having them, having children is also selfish as you choose to have them for yourself not for anyone else’s benefit.
I have children and wouldn’t be without them but it’s no picnic. I agree with the poster who said they would rather regret not having them than regret having children, in my view that is very unselfish as if they regret not having children they have hurt only themselves, if you regret having children this is detrimental to the children as well.

FtbDreaming

I always knew i wanted kids, I don't have a particular reason why it was just something that I knew I would do. Had my 1st at 21 then 24 and 26.

It is hard work and loud and drains the life out of me but now im past the baby stage its easier. I used to be one of those people that thought everybody should have kids but now I understand people that choose not to. I would have always had kids though (as long as I physically could) but knowing what I know now id have just had 1.

I think the holiday, sleep in, meals out argument is debatable... I still do most of that. Still went to uni got a career and a Masters, own 2 cars and have a decent roof over our heads.

'Children' are only children for so long (21 years in my case) im halfway there now and its flew! So i think you can do both its just about timing it right for you.

Or if you decide against then thats fine too.

chesky

Didn't realise this was a pretty elderly thread resurrected (never look at the dates). Began reading down and suddenly thought "oh, I agree with that". Then I noticed that the post was from me. At least I still agree with myself.

comeandgo

I don't have a maternal bone in my body. Never wanted kids but somehow was talked into it and have 2. Luckily their father was able to give the attention and love I was unable to give. They are adults now, and my unmaternal gene has not been passed on. Both now with families of their own and extremely good parents.

chesky

comeandgo wrote: »

I don't have a maternal bone in my body. Never wanted kids but somehow was talked into it and have 2. Luckily their father was able to give the attention and love I was unable to give. They are adults now, and my unmaternal gene has not been passed on. Both now with families of their own and extremely good parents.

Nah, nothing to do with genetics. They probably just thought 'well, I'm never going to be like mum, with MY kids'.

How do you get on with your grandchildren?

DD265

My issue with parenthood is that society acts as though you're supposed to be certain; certain that you want child(ren), or certain that you don't.

I'm not certain at all, either way. Had a 'scare' a few years back and was upset that when the test result came back (negative) I was still none the wiser. I figured if it was positive and I was excited, or negative and I was gutted, then I wanted a child. Negative and pleased or positive and devastated would have meant parenthood isn't for me.

OH and I do talk about it, and I think we lean more towards than against, but certainly not enough to plan anything. That said, I am making sure my next car has at least two isofix points, as I'll hopefully own it throughout my mid-30s, so that might tell you something. :rotfl:

I like that there are a lot more open conversations around choosing to have children (or not) these days, but there's still a way to go, I think, before it stops being the expectation.