Criticism

babyblade41

I have no answers I'm sorry but it seems this situation has been developing slowly until resentment has started to creep in.

I'm no expert on relationships as now on second marriage and kids grown and moved on but what I do find different is that we have totally separate lives together

We have difficulty doing a lot of things as we have many rescue animas but even if this wasn't the case we would still operate differently than most.

I manage a few weekends away on my own and so does he , thankfully neither of us do the typical holiday on the beach so we don't spend a lot of money.

I think you should encourage her to start doing things and also give her the confidence , maybe some tickets for her to see/do something on her own first . If she is in low mood motivation will be difficult .

Take one night out a month just the two of you and above all carry on with your life and talk about why she feels resentful if you do do things without her.

You have to stand your ground or this relationship will go down the tube as soon as kids start becoming more independent .

Keep your life good and encourage your partner as much as possible to take other interests without you

You alone are not responsible for her well being and she will need to address her problems at some point

With my situation we are best friends rather than life partners and companionship is always better than being totally alone but we are 2 separate people with totally different hobbies, interests etc that we both pursue often .

I think with age your wants and desires are different , priorities when children aren't in the equation change as so much energy is put into nurturing ones offspring.

All you can do is your best and help when you can but enjoy your life outside the home and it really is your partners problem if she doesn't approve

System

OP - these are classic boundary (often known as s**t tests) and comfort tests and how you respond to these directly affects both you and your partner's life. Your wife is looking for some leadership and depending how you responded to these, depends on whether or not the value she had/has for you is going down. It is potentially your fault and may end up being your problem (if it isn't already). PM if you want to chat about how to respond and what it all means.

unsurewhatswhat

Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to reply, lots of interesting points to think about! Someone asked so to give the context, we are both 35. The question was also asked about financials - we're not rolling in it but we're comfortable enough and money doesn't really stop us doing anything so there's not really any financial pressures.

We didn't get chance to talk properly about it all last night due to us both having work things at different times, so tonight will be the night. I'll ask her what, practically, she would like me to do that I'm not doing and in turn will explain how some of the things she says or does make me feel.

Obviously she will confirm, but I think it's a case of things get a bit overwhelming every so often, which can make a little thing (or something I might conceive of as little) seem much more serious and lead to interactions like the ones I described in the OP, and I do understand.

We both know we need to make more of an effort to do things together without the kids, so I'll reiterate that idea but organise something as well, to make it happen.

A few people have mentioned the kids doing longer at nursery. We've discussed it before, but she has said (hard as it is) she enjoys the time she gets with the kids and doesn't want to give it up. Especially as our eldest starts school in September so she won't see him as much. But I will definitely bring it up again.

To reiterate, I am in no way perfect and while I don't think everything she complains about is justified, some of the things are - there's always two sides to every story and you've only heard mine after all. I guess from my POV I want her to know I do know and appreciate and understand how hard it is for her. I want her to know and appreciate it's hard for me too, but mainly that we are a team and even if I don't do everything 'right' all the time, we're a team and I'm on her side and not fighting against her.

Thanks again for replying, really do appreciate it!

[Deleted User]

Having been there, I suspect your wife feels she is losing value, for herself, with you. Its the daily grind, it really gets you down. Many people, although happy with the kids and at a job, also wonder what happened to that young smiley carefree person we were, and who you fell in love with.

Many of the things can't be changed. I learned to make my kids laugh, and made myself laugh as well. It helped. But yes, I can only speak for myself but having some 'me' time (when i finally got it) was a major turn around. But needing that, can make you feel selfish, so the need might be denied.

I don't know if you do this as a general part of the relationship - before you say anything, tell her how much you love her and what she does is so important, and she does it so well. You recognise the sacrifices. That you are both very busy, but you are busy in a different way to her, can see she is unhappy.

But don't just wait for her to say what will put things right, ask her if x, y or z will help to show you have thought about it. Take some of the load off her.

I know at some stages, due to a lack of sleep, I was a zombie and couldn't see a way out but probably with a bit of help I could have contributed to a conversation like this.

If you can manage it, get a take away, find somewhere with the cake she likes, if she likes flowers (not everyone does) take her some flowers. Make her feel special and young again over a bottle of wine. Then start talking.

onwards&upwards

andydownes123 wrote: »

OP - these are classic boundary (often known as s**t tests) and comfort tests and how you respond to these directly affects both you and your partner's life. Your wife is looking for some leadership and depending how you responded to these, depends on whether or not the value she had/has for you is going down. It is potentially your fault and may end up being your problem (if it isn't already). PM if you want to chat about how to respond and what it all means.

I just googled s**t test because i’d never heard of it and the results were all horrific MRA sites!

OP, advice from those woman haters will not help your relationship in any way. Your wife is a human being, just like you are, not fundamentally different in her emotions and needs.

onwards&upwards

unsurewhatswhat wrote: »

Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to reply, lots of interesting points to think about! Someone asked so to give the context, we are both 35. The question was also asked about financials - we're not rolling in it but we're comfortable enough and money doesn't really stop us doing anything so there's not really any financial pressures.

We didn't get chance to talk properly about it all last night due to us both having work things at different times, so tonight will be the night. I'll ask her what, practically, she would like me to do that I'm not doing and in turn will explain how some of the things she says or does make me feel.

Obviously she will confirm, but I think it's a case of things get a bit overwhelming every so often, which can make a little thing (or something I might conceive of as little) seem much more serious and lead to interactions like the ones I described in the OP, and I do understand.

She might not confirm! She might think something different or more than what you think she thinks.

Please be prepared to actually listen, properly, even if it’s hard.

belfastgirl23

I find the best approach is often to gently ask someone what's going on with them as they don't seem like themselves rather than making it about practical issues. With maybe a suggestion that they seem a bit down or whatever. It can open up a space for them to admit they've been grumpy rather than going on the defensive. And being noticed and heard can make a difference in itself!

AnotherJoe

Just as minor thing but if its a work event why the heck isn't she getting a taxi?

She does seem to be going out if her way to pick fights.the cake is ridiculous but perhaps a sign. Maybe she is getting depressed. I think you need to sit down and talk through what can be done to sort things out before they get worse.

pinkshoes

Me and Mr Pinkshoes have a similar working pattern.

I do 3 days a week (teacher) and most the housework.

We have recently got a cleaner which has mad a HUGE difference. Trying to do housework with kids around is a nightmare/stressful/exhausting.

It is so lovely to come home from work to a clean house!!

If she doesn't get out much, then it sounds like she is suffering from cabin fever. Too much time with kids makes you go nuts!

I would suggest she gets a hobby which involves a weekly class where she can chat to other grownups!!

hb2

OP It sounds as if your wife is feeling rather isolated. Are the friends you mentioned from her pre-baby days? Does she have any friends among the other mums at nursery, baby gym etc? Its easy to let friendships slide when you have kids to look after and you can find you now seem to have little in common with people who don't have children of their own (in the days when your own children are young and taking up so much of your time and energy).

Does your wife have any 'me time' to do something she enjoys? This can be as simple as a long soak in the bath without being disturbed, but could also be something like a reading group, or going for a swim/walk.

A visit to the GP isn't a bad idea - don't forget that anaemia can cause increased tiredness etc.