Criticism

Socajam

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Does it matter whether she acknowledges it or not or whether she is ‘guilty’ too? Would it not be better to let her talk about how she feels and really listen without it being about you at all? Because, to be honest, it probably isn’t much about you.

Relate might be a good idea.

Yes, but it works both ways.
Maybe the wife should become a single parent for a month and then she will realize how good she has it.

Socajam

I am not sure why grown adults feel that they need someone to go places with them.
Just returned from a 2 day trip and had a wonderful time. Husband did not want to go and friends (well we know how that goes). I make a conscious decision that if there are any places that I want to visit, I am going. I was born alone and will die alone.
The first time was nerve racking, but after that, I love doing things by myself.
My husband drops me off at the picking up point and picks me up on my return.
My last trip this weekend had at least 50% of the people who were on their own (including both sexes). We just start talking to each other and everyone had a wonderful time.
If something were to happen to you, what on earth will your wife do.
I agree that at least once a month have a overnight visit just the two of you - taking it in turn for one of you to choose the location.
If the grandparents are agreeable, have a long weekend, look for deals on the Internet.
Not sure how your wife is about surprises, but this is something you could do to surprise her.
How about a walking trip? or a nature? What are her interests?
At the same time, don't let her stifle you if you want to have a night out with your friends. Women does that a lot and it is a known fact that men suffer a lot more later in life than women when they give up their male friends.
I would have one weekend with your wife every month (just you and her), have one Saturday night a month with your friends and the other 2 weekends she can have one for herself, that leaves 1 to spend as a family.
That way everyone gets some time as a family, as a couple and with one's friends.

Socajam

MovingForwards wrote: »

You have to try and talk with her so she knows how you feel.

As others have said can you not pay for another half day at nursery so she has half a day for herself and not to be wife or mom, especially as you say she hasn't really got anyone to go out with.

You both also need time together as a couple, to go on a date and just be in each others company.

The cake thing was just a dig, if you would have had cake that would have been wrong for another reason. The work and her dad giving her a lift is also not a good thing to hear, especially as she knows the kids will be in bed; maybe offering to pay for a taxi but again I would expect that would have been not what she wanted to hear.

How are things financially?

What kind of age are you? 20's, 30's etc.



Would she like a weekend at a spa with her mom or another friend? So she can have a few treats and be spoilt?

She is not a child, she could get a taxi herself. - Book a spa herself
This is what I do for my birthday for me. I realize my happiness comes from me and no one else.
I book a day spa - full body massage, facial, pedicure and manicure and to top is off I send myself 50 roses.
Whatever else my husband does, I am grateful for, but this is me treating myself. That way I am not disappointed
For my husband's birthday I invite at least 10 of his friends around - cook a wide variety of food and drink and leave them to it.
When I first approached him with the idea he was not keen. But when the day arrived and everyone turned up, he was like a kid in a candy store.

Pollycat

I think you need to sit down and talk about how you're both feeling because to me she sounds like she's questioning your relationship, how you treat her, her life.
And she's clearly not happy.
To be clear, it sounds like you do a lot within the relationship and are a caring person but her perception seems to be that it's not enough.
Could she be struggling with work?
Could she be depressed?

culpepper

Could you perhaps suggest you pay for a taxi for the late meeting as you know she is worried?

It is jolly hard being a stay at home mum never mind a part time working mum. Sometimes the only adult you see all day is hubby and I expect things that are social occasions at work are mostly the singlies.

The cake thing seems a bit strange but she felt left out, maybe magicking her up a cake and a nice cuppa as a surprise would help .

The physical thing needs you both to talk about it when you arent just about to engage in it or disagree about doing so.

onwards&upwards

Pollycat wrote: »

I think you need to sit down and talk about how you're both feeling because to me she sounds like she's questioning your relationship, how you treat her, her life.
And she's clearly not happy.
To be clear, it sounds like you do a lot within the relationship and are a caring person but her perception seems to be that it's not enough.
Could she be struggling with work?
Could she be depressed?

I agree, it doesn’t sound like it’s actually about the little things she’s complaining about.

It’s about how she’s feeling in herself and the value she feels she has at the moment, which don’t sound good.

Doodles

She does sound unreasonable from some of the examples you gave, certainly over the cake!

However, there is always two sides to everything. She sounds fed up and its coming out verbally in swipes at you. Is she justified? I don't think any of us can know that.

You both need to sit down and talk. Properly.

Ask she what she wants more from you. Equally, you need to say what you need from her. If you feel criticism is unfair, stick up for yourself. Tell her how demoralising it feels to be criticised all the time. If you feel she has a point about something, agree what you can do to put it right. I hope you can work it out.

In terms of your answer re. the late night return in the rough area. I do feel that you were a little flaky on what you said to her - I do realise you would have the kids in bed but could you not said you would give her the money to get a cab home? Perhaps when you have your chat you could raise it and ask her 'given the kids would be in bed, what would you have liked me to do that night?'

maman

My overall reading of your post is that your wife is miserable and is taking it out on you. To use the old lyric 'You always hurt the one you love....'.

It's hard to say why. It could be having the second child, it could be feeling that life is a bit boring, anything really. Why are her friends annoying her? Maybe she's difficult with them too but at the same time she misses having something to do outside the home. Maybe she's a bit jealous of other 'yummy mummies' who don't work at all. Maybe she envies you working full time and doing childcare and housework when and if whereas she has to do more because she has more time.

That being said, I don't think having a go at her on a tit for tat basis will help. I do think she's being childish and involving her father is ridiculous but pointing that out won't help. She probably knows she's behaving badly and is a bit jealous of you coping with things better than her.

I agree with other posters. I'd try talking to her, preferably in neutral surroundings. So, by all means, go away for the weekend and enjoy yourselves but try to have a constructive discussion so that you bring a plan back with you to improve things at home.

It's a bit naff, but would she like date night at home? What about inviting friends round? I'm sure talking is the answer but not point scoring (however much she deserves it )

theoretica

Posters have mentioned possibly more time for the kids in the nursery - an alternative to consider if you can afford it would be hiring in more help with housework - cleaning etc or good pre-prepared meals. Or babysitters just to give you time together at a weekend.


Going to see the GP seems worthwhile as some mood changes can result from simple physical things.

Pollycat

Socajam wrote: »

I am not sure why grown adults feel that they need someone to go places with them.
Just returned from a 2 day trip and had a wonderful time. Husband did not want to go and friends (well we know how that goes). I make a conscious decision that if there are any places that I want to visit, I am going. I was born alone and will die alone.
The first time was nerve racking, but after that, I love doing things by myself.
My husband drops me off at the picking up point and picks me up on my return.
My last trip this weekend had at least 50% of the people who were on their own (including both sexes). We just start talking to each other and everyone had a wonderful time.
If something were to happen to you, what on earth will your wife do.

I think you're comparing apples and elephants here.
It's all very well going off on a singles holiday - with your husband dropping you off at the pick-up point - but the OP's wife is attending a meeting which is not scheduled to end until 10pm and is not in a good area.
Anyone with a little common sense would be concerned about potential safety.

It depends if this is a new worry for the OP's wife. Has something like this never been an issue before? Maybe she's just saying (without saying) 'I need a little bit of looking after'.

You may have been on holiday without your husband but you were with other singletons.
I'm very confident in going out and about on my own, I have 4 concerts booked in 3 different cities this year and am travelling on my own, attending the concerts on my own and staying in hotels on my own. I will be walking through major cities on my own at night.
That doesn't stop me understanding that other women may not be as confident as I am.

Socajam wrote: »

She is not a child, she could get a taxi herself. - Book a spa herself
This is what I do for my birthday for me. I realize my happiness comes from me and no one else.
I book a day spa - full body massage, facial, pedicure and manicure and to top is off I send myself 50 roses.
Whatever else my husband does, I am grateful for, but this is me treating myself. That way I am not disappointed

From what the OP says, his wife is not feeling 'loved', 'pampered' and 'valued'.
Whether that's true or not, whether that's justified or not - it is what it is.
Booking a spa day yourself isn't the same as someone saying 'Here sweetie, I've got you a treat' (although I personally wouldn't thank anyone for that, but that's just me).

I've read lots of similar posts on here and the OP really needs to find out why his wife is feeling like she is. And he needs to do it without any more delay.
This woman is seriously unhappy about a lot of things!