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Criticism
unsurewhatswhat
Posts: 6 Forumite
Hi all,
Using a throwaway account here, just for a bit of anonymity more than anything. This will probably be wordy and rambling so apologies in advance, but just wanted to get this off my chest and who knows, maybe I just need to be told I’m in the wrong!
I’ve been married for five years, and have two boys, aged four and two. I work full time, my wife works three days a week and the boys are both in nursery three and a half days. I preface this by saying I’m by no means perfect but I try. I’ll do the washing up, cooking at the weekend, hoovering etc. My wife does do most of the housework on her two days, watching the kids on her days off etc and I know it’s incredibly hard. When I’m home, I try and do as much as possible.
I would say, on and off, my wife has always been a critical, sometimes justified, sometimes not, but I know that’s like most relationships! I just feel like recently, even as recently as over the past weekend, it’s increased in amount and ‘level’, for want of a better term. Rightly or wrongly, it’s making me feel negative and questioning if I have any redeeming qualities at all.
Over the past few days, examples have included:
• I went out with friends on Friday evening, and stayed out until 1am. This is the first night out I have had with friends for about a year. My wife will admit she wasn’t that happy about me going – I get this, it’s been about six months since she went out and I think she sometimes feels she has no-one to go out with as a lot of friends she used to hang around with have moved/now annoy her, ha! I encourage her to arrange stuff with the few people she does want to see but it can be hard getting people together of course.
She felt 1am was too late to stay out and although she text about 11.30pm to say she was going to sleep, she stayed up to make sure I got home safe. She said it was inconsiderate and showed I don’t really think about her by staying out that late. This one is fair enough, thinking about it, as I don’t want to worry her and can see why she was.
• On Saturday she took our four year old to a birthday party. Our youngest wasn’t involved so I took him to a local play farm with play equipment, a farm shop etc, where we had a drink and a cake. There’s a type of beer that she likes so I got her a bottle from the shop.
Later she asked if I’d brought her back any cake. I said no, I didn’t think they did take away at the cafe. She complained everyone had had some cake (out eldest had some at the party) except her, and that it showed I didn’t think about her, that it ‘summed up our relationship’. I explained I’d got her some beer she liked, to which she rolled her eyes.
• Saturday evening we were in bed and leading up to sex but it fizzled out before getting there. She complained I lacked passion and seemed blas! about sex, like I didn’t really want it. This really isn’t true, and I feel this one goes both ways. Our chance for sex is a short window in the evening when the kids are asleep at the end of the day, which we both acknowledged is when we are both tired.
• On Monday we’d been out and were driving back. The kids were being noisy and shouting and she said she was going to go on holiday on her own. I chuckled (I thought) sympathetically but she said not to laugh in that way that makes light of how hard it is. She said it’s probably hard for me to but she definitely has it harder, and I don’t understand what it’s like. This has basically left me feeling I can never bring up when I’m finding things hard because in her eyes, it will never be as bad as she has to put up with. I never see it as a competition, I think it’s just hard in different ways.
• On Thursday evening she is going to a late meeting for work which will run until about 10pm. It’s not in the best of areas, let’s say. She expressed this a couple of weeks ago, and I totally understood and asked who else was going (there’s about 10 people) and could she arrange to go together with someone or meet up with them to walk to and from the place if she can’t park outside it. (I would take her and pick her up but the kids will be in bed). She said she’d see.
Last night, she said she’d been speaking to her dad and he wanted to pick her up because of the area. She said she didn’t like that her dad was so concerned but her husband didn’t give a s**t. I said I didn’t say that, that I always worry about her and I thought she was going to see who else was going so something could be arranged? She ended up just storming off.
These probably seem like such small examples, but her criticisms about me (I don’t think about her, consider her feelings, lack passion, don’t care about her, don’t understand what it’s like for her, I don’t do enough around the house, when I do I do things wrong etc) all mount up to make me wonder what she even sees in me any more. We’re both tired all the time and it can feel like we’re in a rut, it just feels like that is all attributed to me and I’m a pretty bad husband.
Sorry, this is more just getting this off my chest and it’s incredibly long so might not even be read! But if you did get this far, feel free to tell me the honest truth about what you think!
Using a throwaway account here, just for a bit of anonymity more than anything. This will probably be wordy and rambling so apologies in advance, but just wanted to get this off my chest and who knows, maybe I just need to be told I’m in the wrong!
I’ve been married for five years, and have two boys, aged four and two. I work full time, my wife works three days a week and the boys are both in nursery three and a half days. I preface this by saying I’m by no means perfect but I try. I’ll do the washing up, cooking at the weekend, hoovering etc. My wife does do most of the housework on her two days, watching the kids on her days off etc and I know it’s incredibly hard. When I’m home, I try and do as much as possible.
I would say, on and off, my wife has always been a critical, sometimes justified, sometimes not, but I know that’s like most relationships! I just feel like recently, even as recently as over the past weekend, it’s increased in amount and ‘level’, for want of a better term. Rightly or wrongly, it’s making me feel negative and questioning if I have any redeeming qualities at all.
Over the past few days, examples have included:
• I went out with friends on Friday evening, and stayed out until 1am. This is the first night out I have had with friends for about a year. My wife will admit she wasn’t that happy about me going – I get this, it’s been about six months since she went out and I think she sometimes feels she has no-one to go out with as a lot of friends she used to hang around with have moved/now annoy her, ha! I encourage her to arrange stuff with the few people she does want to see but it can be hard getting people together of course.
She felt 1am was too late to stay out and although she text about 11.30pm to say she was going to sleep, she stayed up to make sure I got home safe. She said it was inconsiderate and showed I don’t really think about her by staying out that late. This one is fair enough, thinking about it, as I don’t want to worry her and can see why she was.
• On Saturday she took our four year old to a birthday party. Our youngest wasn’t involved so I took him to a local play farm with play equipment, a farm shop etc, where we had a drink and a cake. There’s a type of beer that she likes so I got her a bottle from the shop.
Later she asked if I’d brought her back any cake. I said no, I didn’t think they did take away at the cafe. She complained everyone had had some cake (out eldest had some at the party) except her, and that it showed I didn’t think about her, that it ‘summed up our relationship’. I explained I’d got her some beer she liked, to which she rolled her eyes.
• Saturday evening we were in bed and leading up to sex but it fizzled out before getting there. She complained I lacked passion and seemed blas! about sex, like I didn’t really want it. This really isn’t true, and I feel this one goes both ways. Our chance for sex is a short window in the evening when the kids are asleep at the end of the day, which we both acknowledged is when we are both tired.
• On Monday we’d been out and were driving back. The kids were being noisy and shouting and she said she was going to go on holiday on her own. I chuckled (I thought) sympathetically but she said not to laugh in that way that makes light of how hard it is. She said it’s probably hard for me to but she definitely has it harder, and I don’t understand what it’s like. This has basically left me feeling I can never bring up when I’m finding things hard because in her eyes, it will never be as bad as she has to put up with. I never see it as a competition, I think it’s just hard in different ways.
• On Thursday evening she is going to a late meeting for work which will run until about 10pm. It’s not in the best of areas, let’s say. She expressed this a couple of weeks ago, and I totally understood and asked who else was going (there’s about 10 people) and could she arrange to go together with someone or meet up with them to walk to and from the place if she can’t park outside it. (I would take her and pick her up but the kids will be in bed). She said she’d see.
Last night, she said she’d been speaking to her dad and he wanted to pick her up because of the area. She said she didn’t like that her dad was so concerned but her husband didn’t give a s**t. I said I didn’t say that, that I always worry about her and I thought she was going to see who else was going so something could be arranged? She ended up just storming off.
These probably seem like such small examples, but her criticisms about me (I don’t think about her, consider her feelings, lack passion, don’t care about her, don’t understand what it’s like for her, I don’t do enough around the house, when I do I do things wrong etc) all mount up to make me wonder what she even sees in me any more. We’re both tired all the time and it can feel like we’re in a rut, it just feels like that is all attributed to me and I’m a pretty bad husband.
Sorry, this is more just getting this off my chest and it’s incredibly long so might not even be read! But if you did get this far, feel free to tell me the honest truth about what you think!
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Comments
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unsurewhatswhat wrote: »Hi all,
Using a throwaway account here, just for a bit of anonymity more than anything. This will probably be wordy and rambling so apologies in advance, but just wanted to get this off my chest and who knows, maybe I just need to be told I’m in the wrong!
I’ve been married for five years, and have two boys, aged four and two. I work full time, my wife works three days a week and the boys are both in nursery three and a half days. I preface this by saying I’m by no means perfect but I try. I’ll do the washing up, cooking at the weekend, hoovering etc. My wife does do most of the housework on her two days, watching the kids on her days off etc and I know it’s incredibly hard. When I’m home, I try and do as much as possible. - So far this seems like a reasonable arrangement, just FYI
I would say, on and off, my wife has always been a critical, sometimes justified, sometimes not, but I know that’s like most relationships! I just feel like recently, even as recently as over the past weekend, it’s increased in amount and ‘level’, for want of a better term. Rightly or wrongly, it’s making me feel negative and questioning if I have any redeeming qualities at all. - that isn't good by the way. Regardless of what is going on, no-one should be made to feel that way
Over the past few days, examples have included:
• I went out with friends on Friday evening, and stayed out until 1am. This is the first night out I have had with friends for about a year. My wife will admit she wasn’t that happy about me going – I get this, it’s been about six months since she went out and I think she sometimes feels she has no-one to go out with as a lot of friends she used to hang around with have moved/now annoy her, ha! I encourage her to arrange stuff with the few people she does want to see but it can be hard getting people together of course. - yes, as a once in a blue moon thing I think that's fine.
She felt 1am was too late to stay out and although she text about 11.30pm to say she was going to sleep, she stayed up to make sure I got home safe. She said it was inconsiderate and showed I don’t really think about her by staying out that late. This one is fair enough, thinking about it, as I don’t want to worry her and can see why she was. - no it's not fair enough. You're an adult. There was no need to stay up.
• On Saturday she took our four year old to a birthday party. Our youngest wasn’t involved so I took him to a local play farm with play equipment, a farm shop etc, where we had a drink and a cake. There’s a type of beer that she likes so I got her a bottle from the shop.
Later she asked if I’d brought her back any cake. I said no, I didn’t think they did take away at the cafe. She complained everyone had had some cake (out eldest had some at the party) except her, and that it showed I didn’t think about her, that it ‘summed up our relationship’. I explained I’d got her some beer she liked, to which she rolled her eyes. - nope. sorry. She didn't ask you to get any, no reason to be annoyed. You had considered her.
• Saturday evening we were in bed and leading up to sex but it fizzled out before getting there. She complained I lacked passion and seemed blas! about sex, like I didn’t really want it. This really isn’t true, and I feel this one goes both ways. Our chance for sex is a short window in the evening when the kids are asleep at the end of the day, which we both acknowledged is when we are both tired. - Do you otherwise have a good physical relationship?
• On Monday we’d been out and were driving back. The kids were being noisy and shouting and she said she was going to go on holiday on her own. I chuckled (I thought) sympathetically but she said not to laugh in that way that makes light of how hard it is. She said it’s probably hard for me to but she definitely has it harder, and I don’t understand what it’s like. - she may have a point. 2 young kids and jobs in the house is stressful. This has basically left me feeling I can never bring up when I’m finding things hard because in her eyes, it will never be as bad as she has to put up with. I never see it as a competition, I think it’s just hard in different ways. - indeed. But she clearly needs a break
• On Thursday evening she is going to a late meeting for work which will run until about 10pm. It’s not in the best of areas, let’s say. She expressed this a couple of weeks ago, and I totally understood and asked who else was going (there’s about 10 people) and could she arrange to go together with someone or meet up with them to walk to and from the place if she can’t park outside it. (I would take her and pick her up but the kids will be in bed). She said she’d see.
Last night, she said she’d been speaking to her dad and he wanted to pick her up because of the area. She said she didn’t like that her dad was so concerned but her husband didn’t give a s**t. I said I didn’t say that, that I always worry about her and I thought she was going to see who else was going so something could be arranged? She ended up just storming off. - she's a grown woman, and can sort out her own safe way to travel.
These probably seem like such small examples, but her criticisms about me (I don’t think about her, consider her feelings, lack passion, don’t care about her, don’t understand what it’s like for her, I don’t do enough around the house, when I do I do things wrong etc) all mount up to make me wonder what she even sees in me any more. We’re both tired all the time and it can feel like we’re in a rut, it just feels like that is all attributed to me and I’m a pretty bad husband. - I don't know. because it's all subjective. There's your version, her version and the truth. But I will say that balancing jobs, kids and life is difficult. Communication is key and not backhanded comments
Sorry, this is more just getting this off my chest and it’s incredibly long so might not even be read! But if you did get this far, feel free to tell me the honest truth about what you think!
Talk to her and ask her what she wants from you; and tell her what you want from her.
Perhaps you can go part time and she works 5 days a week?
Perhaps you can pay for an extra afternoon at nursery to give her some time?0 -
What leaps out to me is that your wife doesn’t feel like she’s important to you, and that she’s finding life hard at the moment. Her friendships are drifting too.
Has she ever had any issues with depression or low mood?0 -
Talk to her and ask her what she wants from you; and tell her what you want from her.
Perhaps you can go part time and she works 5 days a week?
Perhaps you can pay for an extra afternoon at nursery to give her some time?
Thank you. Definitely going to talk it over tonight, as it was still frosty this morning so it needs addressing.
Despite how hard it is, she wouldn't want to go back full time and would prefer the arrangement we have. Not sure the nursery thing is practical but I do try and encourage her to spend time to herself. I'll reiterate that sentiment to her.0 -
onwards&upwards wrote: »What leaps out to me is that your wife doesn’t feel like she’s important to you, and that she’s finding life hard at the moment. Her friendships are drifting too.
Has she ever had any issues with depression or low mood?
Yes, I think you are spot on with the first paragraph. Things are definitely hard for her, and she will sometimes acknowledge they are for both of us and that she is guilty of the same things she accuses me of, and sometimes won't.
She does get in low moods sometimes, sometimes about how busy/hard things are (e.g. practical stuff) and other times about having a feeling of worry and unhappiness about (by her admission) nothing in particular. I have (sensitively I hope!) in the past suggested she may benefit from a visit to her GP to discuss it but she dismisses the idea as not needed.0 -
I cant offer any advice sorry.
However this does seem pretty prevalent among my generation and those of us with kids. Im not sure how typical it is of all marriages but my suspicions are its a lot to do with the changing roles in the home over the last few decades.
Were all a bit lost and trying to find our roles in the home but it seems that rather than finding new roles both parties take up all of the roles which increases the pressure on both sides and fires up the competition which tends to head down hill.
I suspect like most people youre a good person and you are more than capable of doing thigns right, all be it what might be different from her 'right'. Theres nothing there that i would do any different and im confident that im a good husband and dad.
Good luck, worth remembering that its stressful af with a young family and theres probably a thousand reasons why you chose her to start one with.0 -
Would it be possible for someone to have the children overnight (or stay at your place so you could have a night out and maybe go to a hotel for the night (if people are at your house)?0
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I cant offer any advice sorry.
However this does seem pretty prevalent among my generation and those of us with kids. Im not sure how typical it is of all marriages but my suspicions are its a lot to do with the changing roles in the home over the last few decades.
Were all a bit lost and trying to find our roles in the home but it seems that rather than finding new roles both parties take up all of the roles which increases the pressure on both sides and fires up the competition which tends to head down hill.
I suspect like most people youre a good person and you are more than capable of doing thigns right, all be it what might be different from her 'right'. Theres nothing there that i would do any different and im confident that im a good husband and dad.
Good luck, worth remembering that its stressful af with a young family and theres probably a thousand reasons why you chose her to start one with.
Thank you and yes, the line about it firing up a competition definitely resonates. Sometimes it does feel like a competition as to who has it more difficult and I don't want it to be like that.
I think part of the issue is that it's too easy to become a mum or dad and stop being a wife or husband. Other things take priority and it's easy to put each other at the bottom of the priority list after the kids/the housework/jobs etc.0 -
Archergirl wrote: »Would it be possible for someone to have the children overnight (or stay at your place so you could have a night out and maybe go to a hotel for the night (if people are at your house)?
Yes, we did that a couple of months ago - our Christmas present from her parents was money for a night out and babysitting overnight too. It was great when we went, then I guess it's back to reality!
We have the same present from my parents so are looking to book that in, so it is on the cards.0 -
unsurewhatswhat wrote: »Yes, I think you are spot on with the first paragraph. Things are definitely hard for her, and she will sometimes acknowledge they are for both of us and that she is guilty of the same things she accuses me of, and sometimes won't.
Does it matter whether she acknowledges it or not or whether she is ‘guilty’ too? Would it not be better to let her talk about how she feels and really listen without it being about you at all? Because, to be honest, it probably isn’t much about you.
Relate might be a good idea.0 -
You have to try and talk with her so she knows how you feel.
As others have said can you not pay for another half day at nursery so she has half a day for herself and not to be wife or mom, especially as you say she hasn't really got anyone to go out with.
You both also need time together as a couple, to go on a date and just be in each others company.
The cake thing was just a dig, if you would have had cake that would have been wrong for another reason. The work and her dad giving her a lift is also not a good thing to hear, especially as she knows the kids will be in bed; maybe offering to pay for a taxi but again I would expect that would have been not what she wanted to hear.
How are things financially?
What kind of age are you? 20's, 30's etc.
Would she like a weekend at a spa with her mom or another friend? So she can have a few treats and be spoilt?Mortgage started 2020, aiming to clear 31/12/2029.0
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