New me New start, Pania's positive Progress!

Seaxwyn

Pania, I'm so sorry to read that, you poor girl, what a horrible shock to find out he's been lying for months. And what a time of year to have to deal with tricky relationship stuff. I can't think of anything to say to make it better, except that you are such a strong and positive person you will be fine whatever mess he is getting into and whatever you decide to do longer term.

If it's just the money he's struggling with, well I'm sure we can have some sympathy with his muddles. But if he's undervaluing your relationship and treating you with disrespect - then that's another thing entirely. Please don't make any hasty decisions but think through what is underlying this and what you want to do.

Lemon_Tree

Pania, sending you hugs from me and the furbabies. You are such a genuine and caring person you really don't deserve to be treated like this and lied to. Lies are killers as they just eat away at both of you and trust is everything. You know where i am if you need an escape, a bit further from Hypno but if you need to blow the cobwebs through a car drive then i'm here. You are facing such a tough decision that i don't envy you especially as you've upped sticks and moved this distance, but you must do what's right for you.
Good luck hope you didn't blow it on your trip into town, i'm off into town as well today to meet a friend for lunch, i've got to pick up something for my parents so that's going to have to sufice as my spending spree.

HBFS

Awww pania, that's so bad. I must say I feel for you totally. Being as I have been your ex on a number of occasions, I know the damage it causes and I can only hope you come out of this better and stronger to deal with us idiots!

In_Search_Of_Me

HBFS - did you used to go out with P or am I getting something wrong?!
Masive hugs for you P! Only you can answer the question of whether you can carry on as its a very personal thing that you have to live with when you make the decision IYKWIM! I can only speak from experience with my x who used to spend the mortgage money, lied and finally had an affair which was the last straw...I havent looked back since and while single am happily so in the knowledge that its not worth going back to that kind of uncertainty again...I know whats in my account, can safely pay my mort each month & dont lie in bed for hours worrying where he is etc...Being lied to is awful because it errodes trust and in my book trust is the most important element of a relationship because so much of my investment relies on me being able to trust someone with the love, care, time etc that I give IYKWIM? I dont have the answer for you as this one is a decision that you muct come to yourself but we will all support you, no matter what you decide!! Wish I was there to give you a hug but am sure hypno will pass one on for me!

Snaggles

Oh no Pania, I'm really sorry to read about your troubles with OH. Honesty and trust are so important in a relationship, and it must be hurting you so much to find out he has hidden things from you.

Maybe you need to get to the bottom of why he has lied. If, in some misguided way, he thought he was protecting you, then maybe it's slightly more understandable than if he just 'didn't want to get into trouble with you'.

Only you know if this is a relationship worth fighting for, but you know that we will be here to support you whatever you decide.

(((hugs)))

skintscotslass

Oh Pania, I'm so sorry. I cant really add anything else except to send you hugs xx

dreams_R_free

Pania, I was almost in tears when I read about your problems with OH. You seem so caring and willing to put everyone else before yourself. I've loved your new upbeat diary, it's given me a lot of courage to make changes in my life. Please don't let OH depress you.

It's easy for me to say, i can't even heed my own advice.:o Only you know if the relationship is worth fighting for, but it seems as if you are making all the compromises and not even being met half-way.

Secrets and lies are horrible and although my DH (the 'D' bit is a joke :rolleyes: ) can be a nasty piece of work I'm sure he never lied to me. Lies on top of everything else would be the last straw. But I'm the one with the debts and he knows absolutely nothing of them and that makes me feel so bad. But at least I'm not lying to him about them, I pay my way and never have to impinge on his 'generosity' so i suppose I'm not lying in the true sense .

Just don't do anything hasty that you might regret in the cold light of day. I assume your relationship is relatively short, whereas I've been with 'D'H for 22 long years and have only finally convinced myself that enough is enough and I want to start over on my own. 2008 is the year when I'm really going to do it:j . Watch this space!

You'll be in my thoughts over Christmas. At least you can unburden yourself on here as you know we're all here for you. Plus, you've got a true friend in hypno, which must be so reassuring when things seem blackest.

Big hugs
Imp x

redsquirrel80

Aww hun... massive hugs for you xx I just popped on to say thanks for the Christmas card - so sad to read what's happened.

I think Snaggles is right, you need to try to find out why he's lied. Don't make any rushed decisions, but if you decide to give things a go then I think you have to insist he's open with you about everything, including money as it's obviously a big issue between you. I suspect he's been ashamed to admit he's been so stupid, especially when you're being so careful. From what you've said it doesn't seem to be a very even relationship at the moment - you seem to be doing all the giving and supporting - that can work for some people if they're happy with it, but you don't seem to be. I really think you need to spend some time thinking about what would make you happiest, and you and him need to sit down and talk seriously about things.

Will be thinking of you over the next few days - whatever you decide to do, remember you deserve to be happy xxx

ZTD

:grouphug:

So sorry to hear than Pania - this year seems to be an annus horibalis for you. I would suggest that you try to find out the whole extent of both the deception and his problems before coming to a decision.

:grouphug:

pania

Hi guys, just got back from one day christmas shopping, we have been arguing all day and it's been yukky.
He has stated to me that he will continue to lie to me about "small" things if he feels it's better i don't know. I can't live with someone like that. I think I know in my heart that it is over but at such an awful time of year.
I asked him if it was as he was scared of my reaction, he said no it's because you can be a pis*y cow when I annoy you and I'd rather not go there!! have said that surely my actions over the last months have proved that I would stand by him no matter what and yes I may get annoyed at things he is done but as all people do, I say my piece, stand by him and move on. So much for loyalty hey!
I've explained why I hate lying and that no relationship should have detrimental secrets, aparently everyone in a relationship keeps things for a relationship, well if thats the case with guys then Z, i'm going to head back to the brandy spoon (see snaggles post of the other night) and see if life on the other side is any better!!! Kidding of course!!!!
All day he has been calling me a miserable c o w and generally going out of his way to wind me up. If there was any remorse there at all that would NOT have been going on.
Leave it til the new year, don't rock the boat between now and then and make my decisions come that time. I'm really not even sure if I can say hand on heart that I love him right now, I think the problems of the last 4 months have done that in.

Thankls so much for all the hugs guys, and don't worry I am going to have a happy christmas with my family, come hell, high water or copious quantities of wine!!

Your all stars and lovely people.
P
xxx