What do you do if you suspect your partner is cheating

Comms69

bugslett wrote: »

Definitely stalk.
- again we often agree, so it's great to see how perspectives can differ.

I'll go through the two versions.

Version 1,

Babes, you having an affair, cos I'm worried, you are taking your wedding ring off and secretive about your phone?

Sugar, light of my life, really? I think I'm getting a gold wedding ring allergy/ don't want to scratch the enduring symbol of my love for you when I'm stripping the gearbox. Phone, you are imagining it.

Oh OK babes. Thinks, well I can't argue cos I don't actually know.


Version 2.

Wonders if he is having an affair. Doesn't ask cos frankly, he'd lie wouldn't he?

Checks phone. Nothing there but that gut instinct is kicking hard.

For the first time x years of marriage/togetherness, goes through things. Finds second phone with messages on, though nothing that technically says anything more than flirting. Investigates further and ends up driving 150 miles having (long story) whittled down the potential place to one small town, drives round. Sees them in the pub. Follows them to the floozies home. What's seen proves an affair, no doubts.

Not nice to do, but I'm not ashamed because as I said before, if you do not actually know as opposed to guessing, then the bar steward will lie to you.

Comms as above, I usually agree with you, but trust me on this one, if you are in the OPs situation you have to know, otherwise you lose any leverage you have. You are already on the backfoot and yes, I did bug my own home. That meant that when he tried to manoeuvre and get a share of my business, I was way ahead of him. I don't regret anything I did because none of it would have happened if he had said, I'm not happy, we need space, blah blah. He didn't, he put me through unimaginable hurt that took more than a decade to get over. Betrayal is a horrible thing to experience.

Totally respect your point of view, as I'm sure you know.


I guess it's a balancing act. Your actions (which as I say I don't suggest as it can potentially lead to police calls etc. ) were vindicated by finding the truth.


Had the affair not been happening, would you have told your husband about your suspicions?


That's an impossible question and I do understand that. I guess it's one of those 'history is written by the victors' situations.

bugslett

Comms69 wrote: »

Totally respect your point of view, as I'm sure you know.


I guess it's a balancing act. Your actions (which as I say I don't suggest as it can potentially lead to police calls etc. ) were vindicated by finding the truth.


Had the affair not been happening, would you have told your husband about your suspicions? I knew and it's really difficult to explain but after 19 years I knew him well.
Really he wasn't as good as he thought about keeping secrets.


That's an impossible question and I do understand that. I guess it's one of those 'history is written by the victors' situations.

It really does depend on every situation, there are so many permutations to every relationship - duration, level of jealousy, irrationality, that what works for one, doesn't work for another.

I do think I'd make quite a good PI:rotfl:

Pollycat

Exodi wrote: »

You recommend asking the partner if they are cheating? In what Utopian world do you live in that any deceitful partner would say "you got me!"? You can hardly rely on them being honest or loyal if they are simultaneously jumping into bed with someone else in secret?

In my 'utopian world' actually.
I asked the question and he admitted he was having an affair.

I think he was relieved that it was out in the open.

Exodi wrote: »

I wonder how many people have actually had first hand experience of this sort of thing because a lot of these suggestions don't help the OP.

Obviously from my comment above, yes, I have had first hand experience of this sort of thing.
This is the advice I gave the OP - which as a starter for 10 is - imho - better than checking his phone and emails and following him like a second-rate gumshoe.

Pollycat wrote: »

How long has this been going on for?
Could there be another reason e.g. stress at work, worry over his health?

I think if it were me, I'd ask him why he's acting strange, why he sometimes picks a fight for no reason and then leaves, why he sometimes takes off his wedding ring, why he's secretive on phone calls and who is calling.

You may not like the answer.

I would certainly not access his emails or check his phone.

Marvel1

I asked, they denied it, I believed them.

Few months later, something else happened, thought screw asking, I don't care I checked phone, I was right.

Brought it up, denied, told about the phone, the classic spin around, finally talked and truth, oh and also about the first question from months ago - it was true.

I was happy to break up as I was no longer a mug, they only wanted to stay for free lifts to work etc. (I'm just waiting for someone to now say it's wrong I should have kept doing these things!)

bugslett

Pollycat wrote: »

In my 'utopian world' actually.
I asked the question and he admitted he was having an affair.

I think he was relieved that it was out in the open.
QUOTE=Exodi;75544338]
I wonder how many people have actually had first hand experience of this sort of thing because a lot of these suggestions don't help the OP.

Obviously from my comment above, yes, I have had first hand experience of this sort of thing.
This is the advice I gave the OP - which as a starter for 10 is - imho - better than checking his phone and emails and following him like a second-rate gumshoe.[/QUOTE]

Mr Bugs denied it even when I'd seen him with her, so it really does depend on the person.

Behaving like a second rate gumshoe was my best bet. Actually I employed a PI and I found out where she lived before they did - I think that makes me a first rate gumshoe;)

Sorry pollycat for some reason the quote has gone awry, I've put your comments in italics

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

How long has this been going on for?
Could there be another reason e.g. stress at work, worry over his health?

I think if it were me, I'd ask him why he's acting strange, why he sometimes picks a fight for no reason and then leaves, why he sometimes takes off his wedding ring, why he's secretive on phone calls and who is calling.

You may not like the answer.

I would certainly not access his emails or check his phone.

Just wanted to post this again as I think it's really good advice.

I wouldn't ask him outright if he is cheating but I would try to find out if there is another explanation for his behaviour before going into stalking mode!

I do agree that there are lots of different scenarios and many of us have different experiences. In my case my wife told me she had feelings for someone else. I knew she was friendly with this guy from work but hadn't clicked just how strongly she felt. Funnily enough she'd got it wrong with him - she'd misinterpreted their interaction as something more than it was. But, she wanted to be honest and open with me.

I also think there is quite a bit in how far you go. I kind of get the feeling (tipping my hat here to bugslett and Marvel1 who were right) that some posters would never ever believe someone wasn't cheating however much evidence they didn't find. And you just keep looking and looking - that's the way madness lies.

POPPYOSCAR

and another.....

light blue touch paper and sit back post.....

from a newbie...........

Exodi

Pollycat wrote: »

In my 'utopian world' actually.
I asked the question and he admitted he was having an affair.

I think he was relieved that it was out in the open.

Exodi wrote: »

I wonder how many people have actually had first hand experience of this sort of thing because a lot of these suggestions don't help the OP.

Obviously from my comment above, yes, I have had first hand experience of this sort of thing.
This is the advice I gave the OP - which as a starter for 10 is - imho - better than checking his phone and emails and following him like a second-rate gumshoe.

Perhaps it would have been better placed to say 'mostly' then as I can't see the majority of people coming clean when asked, I mean in this thread alone the people (except you) with first hand experience of confronting their cheating spouse had them deny it and whilst I'm glad it worked for you, I can think of a plethora of reasons why starting by asking is a bad idea (of which I won't repeat).

It's also nice you haven't had to resort to techniques that make you a 'second-rate gumshoe' but I wonder what would have happened if the shoe was on the other foot and they'd said no but you were still suspicious (as is the case for the two posters below you)?

But we're comparing apples and oranges, I guess everyone's different and what may work for one person may not work for another. As you had said, and NeilCr has reiterated, having a non-accusatory conversation in the first instance seems like the best placed advice.

Pollycat

bugslett wrote: »

Obviously from my comment above, yes, I have had first hand experience of this sort of thing.
This is the advice I gave the OP - which as a starter for 10 is - imho - better than checking his phone and emails and following him like a second-rate gumshoe.

Mr Bugs denied it even when I'd seen him with her, so it really does depend on the person.

Behaving like a second rate gumshoe was my best bet. Actually I employed a PI and I found out where she lived before they did - I think that makes me a first rate gumshoe;)

Sorry pollycat for some reason the quote has gone awry, I've put your comments in italics[/QUOTE]

My apologies, trouble multi-quoting on my phone.

You clearly got a scumbag who thought you were stupid (which -imho- is worse than having an affair ).

Why did you employ a gumshoe (1st, 2nd or even 3rd rate) if you'd already seen him with someone else? (Cue confused smiley)

bugslett

Pollycat wrote: »

Mr Bugs denied it even when I'd seen him with her, so it really does depend on the person.

Behaving like a second rate gumshoe was my best bet. Actually I employed a PI and I found out where she lived before they did - I think that makes me a first rate gumshoe;)

Sorry pollycat for some reason the quote has gone awry, I've put your comments in italics

My apologies, trouble multi-quoting on my phone.

You clearly got a scumbag who thought you were stupid (which -imho- is worse than having an affair ).

Why did you employ a gumshoe (1st, 2nd or even 3rd rate) if you'd already seen him with someone else? (Cue confused smiley)[/QUOTE]

We actually moved on after and had some happy times till he fell ill. It's hard to condense everything and lots of nuances, but he apologised genuinely and profusely and as one of his friends said, it was like some sort of mental aberration.

're the PI, I employed one and whilst they were looking, I managed to find them myself, they found them the following day.