What do you do if you suspect your partner is cheating

Comms69

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Mine is password protected (as is the sim) so that if someone finds/steals my phone they can't phone their relatives in Australia before I can report it lost.

I meant why she shared her password and vice versa

Marisco

NeilCr wrote: »

I must admit I read some of these threads and am pretty stunned at the "apparent" laissez-faire attitude of the supposed cheaters. They leave their phones lying around, they leave incriminating messages to be read, they take their wedding rings off blatantly, etc etc.

If I was cheating I'd be paranoid. I'd have no messages on my main phone, I'd have a second phone (as per Mr Bugs!), and I'd only take my wedding ring off out of the house.

They are either very confident, very dumb or don't give a s""t.

Or want to get caught so they don't have to actually say anything. The ball would be in her court then.

Redacted

Comms69 wrote: »

Can I ask why?


Whilst I don't have anything on my phone that would cause anyone alarm bells, I still feel it's a privacy issue.

I know you didn’t ask me, but as another in the same situation -

There have been times when my partner has asked me to check his phone/reply to a message when he can’t, like when he’s driving, and vice versa, so we know each other’s codes.

I’ve never rummaged through his phone and he’s never shown any desire to rummage through mine.

So our reason is - convenience coupled with trust that we wouldn’t violate each other’s privacy.

If you haven’t got trust in a relationship you’be got naff all, to be honest.

DrivingMissDaisy

Check phone, follow him, confront him as well

Marisco

If you can afford it, hire a PI, saves you doing the "leg work" yourself.

bertiewhite

You could put an ad in the local personal ad column advertising for someone who likes, say Pina Colada's, getting caught in the rain and making love at midnight. Say that you're not into yoga or health food either and sit and wait.

If you get a response, arrange to meet them at noon in a bar called something like O'Malley's (or anything really, it doesn't matter).

If the person who replied to you turns out to be your husband then he's cheating - if not then you'll have to think of something else I'm afraid.

Comms69

DrivingMissDaisy wrote: »

Check phone, follow him, confront him as well

So stalk him? That's ok is it?

Exodi

Comms69 wrote: »

So stalk him? That's ok is it?

I nearly always agree with you Comms (in fact I can't think of a time I haven't) but I do disagree with your stance in this thread.

You recommend asking the partner if they are cheating? In what Utopian world do you live in that any deceitful partner would say "you got me!"? You can hardly rely on them being honest or loyal if they are simultaneously jumping into bed with someone else in secret?

Plus, if they were aware you're 'on to them' they'd double their efforts to see that their trails are well hid. Real life experience shows when someone is confronted with allegations of an affair, they deny it and get angry/defensive.

It's also hard to read this thread with people arguing privacy issues; if you recommend the OP should not look through their partners phone, emails, follow them, investigate at all, etc - how do you propose they find out?

I wonder how many people have actually had first hand experience of this sort of thing because a lot of these suggestions don't help the OP.

@OP I've always been a firm believer that your gut instinct is usually right when it comes to cheating. But make sure you're right first... he may just have something else going on his life (that's not an affair).

bugslett

Comms69 wrote: »

So stalk him? That's ok is it?

Definitely stalk.


I'll go through the two versions.

Version 1,

Babes, you having an affair, cos I'm worried, you are taking your wedding ring off and secretive about your phone?

Sugar, light of my life, really? I think I'm getting a gold wedding ring allergy/ don't want to scratch the enduring symbol of my love for you when I'm stripping the gearbox. Phone, you are imagining it.

Oh OK babes. Thinks, well I can't argue cos I don't actually know.


Version 2.

Wonders if he is having an affair. Doesn't ask cos frankly, he'd lie wouldn't he?

Checks phone. Nothing there but that gut instinct is kicking hard.

For the first time x years of marriage/togetherness, goes through things. Finds second phone with messages on, though nothing that technically says anything more than flirting. Investigates further and ends up driving 150 miles having (long story) whittled down the potential place to one small town, drives round. Sees them in the pub. Follows them to the floozies home. What's seen proves an affair, no doubts.

Not nice to do, but I'm not ashamed because as I said before, if you do not actually know as opposed to guessing, then the bar steward will lie to you.

Comms as above, I usually agree with you, but trust me on this one, if you are in the OPs situation you have to know, otherwise you lose any leverage you have. You are already on the backfoot and yes, I did bug my own home. That meant that when he tried to manoeuvre and get a share of my business, I was way ahead of him. I don't regret anything I did because none of it would have happened if he had said, I'm not happy, we need space, blah blah. He didn't, he put me through unimaginable hurt that took more than a decade to get over. Betrayal is a horrible thing to experience.

Comms69

Exodi wrote: »

I nearly always agree with you Comms (in fact I can't think of a time I haven't) but I do disagree with your stance in this thread. - Sure, I don't mind it'd be strange if we agreed on everything

You recommend asking the partner if they are cheating? In what Utopian world do you live in that any deceitful partner would say "you got me!"? - sure, I know what you're saying. The issue is very complex. If there is cheating, just so we're on the same page; I condemn that completely. But the issue I have with the 'follow him' kind of advice is that it causes so many issues. For example she follows him on Monday and nothing. Is that the end of it? Does the OP then continue until they finally catch them at it.


You can hardly rely on them being honest or loyal if they are simultaneously jumping into bed with someone else in secret? - of course. But then again if they are cheating, perhaps they would fess up, as they want out of the relationship anyway.

Plus, if they were aware you're 'on to them' they'd double their efforts to see that their trails are well hid. Real life experience shows when someone is confronted with allegations of an affair, they deny it and get angry/defensive. - I agree that may happen. It's a very difficult one.

It's also hard to read this thread with people arguing privacy issues; if you recommend the OP should not look through their partners phone, emails, follow them, investigate at all, etc - how do you propose they find out? - Well I guess it's difficult to advise on limited info we do have. But what if he isn't having an affair? Would this end the relationship; I suspect so. Really the goal must precede the action. If the intention is to save the relationship, then open and frank discussion is the only way from my perspective.

I wonder how many people have actually had first hand experience of this sort of thing because a lot of these suggestions don't help the OP.

@OP I've always been a firm believer that your gut instinct is usually right when it comes to cheating. But make sure you're right first... he may just have something else going on his life (that's not an affair).

I do agree with you that gut instincts are very often on to something.


And I agree that it could be any number of things going on.


I just don't think stalking your partner is the answer. If for no other reason than to protect the OP. Should there be an affair and things turn sour, how easy could it be for him to go to the police?