Should i ignore my partners flirting?

Mumsy3

My partner of over 4 years is very sociable and hugs and kisses everyone he knows. I do not have a problem with this when it's out in the open. He is the nicest guy and everyone tells me this. However, i have told him he needs to be careful because this could give other women the wrong message and could be seen as a 'come on'. I have seen him in action and he loves being 'friendly'. Overlyso in my opinion calling wonen my darling and sweetheart (even his ex wife in front of me), After our first argument about this he agreed to tone it down a bit.and said he could understand my point.
Last year he was on a lad's holiday and i decided to go on his ipad where i found texts and private photo messages to other women with comments such as 'hello my darling wish you were here' along with kissy emojis and love hearts. I confronted him once he was home and at first he was cross at me looking at his messages! But then agreed it was inappropriate and said he'd stop. I believe that he has done nothing physical with anyone else but my concern is the message he gives out and what it could potentially lead too. He does cheaper diy jobs (on the side) for these women and I think they probably enjoy his flirting messages to them. He is very good at deleting messages and i haven't seen any flirty messages back from the women.

Anyway things were good over the past year and i trusted that the messages had stopped and for a long time i didn't check his phone. In January we seemed to be going through a bit of a lull (maybe that was because he was always out doing extra jobs!) and the night before he went away again with his mates i looked at his phone and found another flirty message he'd sent to another woman. He was upset that I'd looked at his phone again - or more that he'd not deleted the message in time!!! I pretended i wasn't too bothered so that we'd both have good separate holidays.He put a different lockcode on his phone!

I went away with a friend the same week and the thought of all this completely ruined my holiday with wondering what to do and whether i was stupid keep putting up with this.

Big argument when we both got home. He promised he'd stop and would unlock his phone but the lock is still on! He thinks i shouldn't read his messages. I'm making out that because he has promised not to continue with the flirting that we are ok again.

I love him and do believe he loves me and hasn't been physically unfaithful in anyway but it does really bother me that he gets a buzz and feels the need to keep on flirting in secret messages.

What would you do??

By the way we are in our 50s and both divorced after we'd both been cheated on by our spouses!

Thanks for listening!

thorsoak

Look on the dating sites ....is he on any of them?????

74jax

Mumsy3 wrote: »

After our first argument about this he agreed to tone it down a bit.and said he could understand my point.

But then agreed it was inappropriate and said he'd stop.

He promised he'd stop and would unlock his phone but the lock is still on! He thinks i shouldn't read his messages.

What would you do??

I'd stop giving him chances.

Marvel1

A classic line blaming the other person for looking (finding out the truth) on their phone etc.

suejb2

Marvel1 wrote: »

A classic line blaming the other person for looking (finding out the truth) on their phone etc.

Shifting the ‘bad guy’ status onto you for looking at his phone rather than accepting his wrong doing.

Comms69

I can understand both positions.


You keep looking at his phone. If it's a deal breaker that he is like he is; tell him. It's not fair to expect him to change who he is.


Equally he could tone it down a bit.

NeilCr

I'd stop looking at his phone, personally.

I've got flirty (to some who read them) messages on my phone. My partner is a super flirt. But we trust each other. I don't mind her looking at my phone - but she wouldn't dream of doing so. And vice versa. It wouldn't cross my mind to start digging through her tablet/phone while she wasn't around. I must admit I am astounded how many people do this on this forum.

Our friends don't do it either. I think, sometimes, I live in some parallel non MSE universe.

A bit more seriously. I think you need to decide whether or not you trust him.
You seem pretty sure that he loves you and nothing has happened (or will happen). I'd go with that. You could get yourself into a real worry cycle about something which, ultimately, doesn't sound as though it will actually occur

[Deleted User]

I'd hate to be with someone like this,


he sounds the sort of oaf most women would cringe away from, darling , sweetheart, yuk , over bearing and condescending and disrespectful to you aswell.


God I sound like a right feminist and I'm not but I hate cringy men.

hazyjo

Sometimes it's just regional. My OH is a proper East Londoner and even calls my mum "darlin'". On the other hand, never in a million would he use 'hun', 'babe' or 'love'.

Certainly not him being oaf-ish, overbearing, condescending nor disrespectful.

Suppose it depends on who you're mixing with and who you're talking to. I can't imagine he'd say it to my line manager if he met her lol, but he'd certainly say it to most of my friends. It's just a term of endearment, same as other areas use different terms.


PS on topic - yes, he's flirty and gives 'em "all the ol' chat", but he'd not give some 20-40 odd year old the same sort of chat. I suppose he's more charismatic than flirty.

Mojisola

hazyjo wrote: »

Sometimes it's just regional. My OH is a proper East Londoner and even calls my mum "darlin'". On the other hand, never in a million would he use 'hun', 'babe' or 'love'.

Mumsy3 wrote: »

Last year he was on a lad's holiday and i decided to go on his ipad where i found texts and private photo messages to other women with comments such as 'hello my darling wish you were here' along with kissy emojis and love hearts.

That doesn't sound like something you could excuse by being 'regional behaviour'!

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

I got to the point of ex wife

get a locksmith and ….