Help with asking a friend to move out....

AnotherJoe

01afraser4 wrote: »

I think a subtle way that may seem a little easier to approach the subject would be something along the lines of:

Arrange a night where you get a takeaway and some wine (whatever drink of choice you like). Have a good laugh together and chat away. Then say something like "Promise you'll still visit so we can have nights like this after you have a place of your own..." or something along those lines.

It's subtle and it shouldn't make her feel awkward but it will remind her of the upcoming deadline and you can then go on to expand the chat and discuss what plans she has for moving out etc.

People like this don't respond to subtle. And most likely rely on you feeling awkward to sponge off you. She needs a clear instruction on the end date. No subtlety and so what if it's awkward

kerri_gt

AnotherJoe wrote: »

People like this don't respond to subtle. And most likely rely on you feeling awkward to sponge off you. She needs a clear instruction on the end date. No subtlety and so what if it's awkward

What do you mean 'people like this'? Based on OPs post, the friend has done nothing outside the agreement, has paid £200 a month since getting a job, and it's not April so hasn't overstayed the agreement. OP has no clue as to the friends plan because they haven't asked.

AnotherJoe

kerri_gt wrote: »

What do you mean 'people like this'? Based on OPs post, the friend has done nothing outside the agreement, has paid £200 a month since getting a job, and it's not April so hasn't overstayed the agreement. OP has no clue as to the friends plan because they haven't asked.

Lets revisit in a month and see what signs of her going there are

warby68

How about a conversation because you've revisited the word doc and realise it was a little vague on a latest leaving date (which it is with 'working towards') and you'd like to firm that up now and make sure you're both on the same page with regard to the temporary arrangement.

If you're friends it shouldn't actually be that awkward - she won't want to take advantage of you. If she does push it, then its perhaps a bit one-sided and you can then firm up your own stance.

eilidhcatriona

You should bring it up directly I think, point out it’s early Feb and it can take time to find a suitable place and get it organised. Offer to go with her to view places and give a 2nd opinion, and if you drive you could offer to give her a lift to viewings. That way you’re pushing things along while also being a good friend.

Honeylife

ftb_deena wrote: »

Hi all. I need some friendly advice.

My boyfriend and I bought a house last April. Around the same time a friend of mine was going through a rough time and needed somewhere to stay to get her life together.

We agreed to let her stay from July 2018, pay £100 rent per month whilst jobless and £200 when she had found a job.

Prior to moving in, I sent her a word document listing everything I expected from her whilst living with us and included “work towards moving out by April 2019. If this isn’t possible, let me know.” I did not ask her to sign it.

So she got a job within a month and has been paying the £200 monthly rent and saving. With now two months to go until April, I need to tactfully ask her if she’s started looking elsewhere or is on plan to move out...

She has spent a lot of money learning to drive over the past few months and has mentioned that she wants to buy a car once passed. In my mind, she needs to spend money moving out first and THEN buying a car.

I really don’t want to upset her and I do feel awkward about these kind of things. Just looking for some help? Thanks in advance. Appreciate it.

In a near similar situation literally daughter went to Uni and a vague cousin was put in the room by my aunt ("Oh you have an empty room and my daughter needs a place in London!!") but with no luxury of an agreed end date.

My husband and I started asking her how the "room hunt" was going or talking about rooms available elsewhere. We read out loud Spareroom ads and offered to go with her to view places. Initially, she thought it was funny but we didn't give up talking about it or cutting ads out of the local rag and leaving them on the dinning table for her. She constantly referred to "well youre not using the room for anything else" but we completely ignore that and pressed on. It took three months to elbow her out.

Just start talking about it now so she gets her head around the impending departure

Cakeguts

ftb_deena wrote: »

Hi all. I need some friendly advice.

My boyfriend and I bought a house last April. Around the same time a friend of mine was going through a rough time and needed somewhere to stay to get her life together.

We agreed to let her stay from July 2018, pay £100 rent per month whilst jobless and £200 when she had found a job.

Prior to moving in, I sent her a word document listing everything I expected from her whilst living with us and included “work towards moving out by April 2019. If this isn’t possible, let me know.” I did not ask her to sign it.

So she got a job within a month and has been paying the £200 monthly rent and saving. With now two months to go until April, I need to tactfully ask her if she’s started looking elsewhere or is on plan to move out...

She has spent a lot of money learning to drive over the past few months and has mentioned that she wants to buy a car once passed. In my mind, she needs to spend money moving out first and THEN buying a car.

I really don’t want to upset her and I do feel awkward about these kind of things. Just looking for some help? Thanks in advance. Appreciate it.

My feeling about this friendship is that it has already started to go wrong and the friend has already started to take advantage of the situation.



What makes me think this is that instead of making a lot of effort to find somewhere else to live once she had got a job the friend started to spend a lot of money on herself. You would have thought that the first thing she would have done was to save all the money she has spent so that she could move out sooner than April and leave the OP and boyfriend in peace. This is not a house share where they are all tenants together the friend is living in a house belonging to someone else as a favour to her.



The problem with all these things is that you have to ask yourself why the friend was in need of somewhere to live in the first place and the answer appears to be that she doesn't save money. As soon as she gets some she spends it on herself buying things she wants as in this case driving lessons and a car that she can't at present afford because she needs to move out.



I suspect it is going to turn into another example of why you shouldn't rent to family or friends.



The friend knows that the OP is going to find it difficult to ask her to move because after all she managed to manipulate her into letting her move in, in the first place.



If the OP feels the need to ask how to get the friend to leave on here it has already become a difficult situation with the friend already showing no intention of finding somewhere else to live.



Friendship goes two ways. A true friend would have moved out long before April and not spent large amounts of money on herself in the form of driving lessons and certainly would not have mentioned buying a car. The driving lessons and purchase of a car should have been done after she moved out. The friend may have thought that she would not have been able to afford to do it after she moved on so has taken advantage of the low rent to do it now. If I had a friend like this they would soon not be a friend anymore. Much too self centred for me.

breaking_free

Cakeguts wrote: »

Friendship goes two ways. A true friend would have moved out long before April and not spent large amounts of money on herself in the form of driving lessons and certainly would not have mentioned buying a car. The driving lessons and purchase of a car should have been done after she moved out. The friend may have thought that she would not have been able to afford to do it after she moved on so has taken advantage of the low rent to do it now. If I had a friend like this they would soon not be a friend anymore. Much too self centred for me.

^ This times 10.

Why are you beating around the bush? Be direct and tell her she needs to be gone by April. As you're clearly uncomfortable having this conversation, ask yourself this: what is the worst that can happen?

You might think that her getting upset is the worst that can happen but it's not - you falling out with your partner because your friend won't leave is the worst that can happen. He will inevitably start grumbling about having her around (I would!). Just tell her you need 'couple space' and that you want her to actively start looking for a new place. Good luck.

Honeylife

Cakeguts wrote: »

Friendship goes two ways. A true friend would have moved out long before April and not spent large amounts of money on herself in the form of driving lessons and certainly would not have mentioned buying a car. The driving lessons and purchase of a car should have been done after she moved out. The friend may have thought that she would not have been able to afford to do it after she moved on so has taken advantage of the low rent to do it now. If I had a friend like this they would soon not be a friend anymore. Much too self centred for me.

If there is a verbal agreement until April why on earth would she move out earlier? It has enabled her to settle, think and make plans. Don't think the friend having driving lessons is such a big deal. A Driving Licence is considered a skill and requirement for some jobs. It may be part of her plan to gain a skill for future employment with a better wage and she has done so at a time when her rent is (stupidly) low. Yes she has taken advantage of her situation and thats not a bad thing. Would have been mightily annoyed if friend was spending money on several holidays, tons of clothes or fripperies and not making any sensible plans for her future ie not doing anything.

Bearing in mind we don't know how much she may have saved away for her departure. The OP can't do anything now about the driving lessons but congratulate her when she passes her test and mention that it a good skill to have when she moves on.

The primary objective now for the OP is to re-affirm the departure date and encourage the friend to leave at the appointed time. Preferably before the friend purchases a car!

Sibz

Sounds like we need to have the OPs friend analyzed professionally.

OP can we arrange this? I'm dying to know if she's the villainous squatter some people have assumed.
Whatever she's like I bet she'd love reading this.

What other than a car has she been spending her undoubtedly ill-gotten gains on? Has she slept with your partner yet? Boiled any beloved household pets?

This isn't Eastenders, perhaps people should stop assuming the worst of people. She might just be blissfully unaware that she isn't welcome anymore...